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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bloomin text messages!

22 replies

gettingfedupnow · 25/02/2013 12:49

Hey, I've name changed for this one as I'm mentioning my friend.
I know I shouldn't look at dp phone but I would rather not live in blissful ignorance tbh
I have only looked a few times but whenever I do there is always something on there, like message with just xxxx, or someone recently saying ' just saw you xxxxx' but no name and he deletes as soon as he gets it.

I ask him whos sending them ( we have had problems at start of our relationship with him sneaking into garage/ bathroom etc to text a women friend)! he says he hasn't a clue who sends them , someone must mistakenly be sending them to him. he's said I can take his phone for the day etc if that would put my mind at rest, but I know thats wrong so don't say yes.

Do men just text other women and it does mean nothing?
I have a married friend and she found out her usual 'good morning beautful/sexy ' text her husband sends her every morning he was also sending to many others too. I would really not like this, she did get hurt by it, but never really said anything to him.

Am I over sensitive and being weird here, I can remember relationships where if someone wanted to say something they would phone, now texts just seem so easy to send without thinking about respect maybe.

Rant over ! :)

OP posts:

CajaDeLaMemoria · 25/02/2013 12:53

What the?

If this is serious, then no, the vast, vast majority of men don't text other women in either of the manners you describe.

Your friend's husband is a twat. There is simply no excuse for that.

As for your partner - well, he could be right, and it could be a random person. I used to get messages from India - but I replied once saying wrong number, got a sorry message and then they stopped. Has he ever bothered to do that? Or to get his network to block the number?

Texting is just a faster, more discrete way of saying what you were going to say anyway. They don't make you forget your partner, or say something to the wrong person.

One thing I am surprised about - if your partner knows that these texts bother you, and they really are just someone with a wrong number, why hasn't he done anything about them?

Original poster

gettingfedupnow · 25/02/2013 13:12

We has a big argument over one of the texts at the weekend, I said the normal thing people seem to do is text back saying 'who is this etc' and you may know who it is but no longer have there number etc.

He said he hadnt thought of that and if it happens again then he will do that.

I don't know there just seems something not quite right, but we split up over this insecurity and crap over xmas, but he was so persistent in getting back together I figured if someone else was on the scene then that wouldn't be the case?
I just wish if he does know who it was why not tell me, least you can deal with it then instead of feeling so unsure and unrelaxed about my relationship.

OP posts:

Charbon · 25/02/2013 13:18

These texts are from someone he knows. He'll be sending texts too, of course.

You look at his phone because you don't trust him because even at the start of your relationship, he was unfaithful.

How your friend responded to her husband's multliple infidelities is irrelevant. Presumably you are not that stupid.

You should have either called his manipulative bluff and agreed to have his phone for the day or told him that you are not stupid and know that he is being unfaithful again.

But the better action would be to dump someone who will never be trustworthy.

Zaphiro · 25/02/2013 13:39

I saw a text on my DP's phone saying 'Just saw you and your GF. I'd still fuck you though.' I was FURIOUS! It was an ex who was trying to cause trouble. Do you think the sender is trying to stir things up, and your DP hasn't told you so as not to worry you?

I'd take the phone for a day and call the number.

Buzzardbird · 25/02/2013 14:14

He obviously sees this person everyday and that is why he said you could take his phone. He knows he will see her first to warn her not to message you.
Is there anyone at his work that you would suspect?
Either way he is lying and you deserve better.

Original poster

gettingfedupnow · 25/02/2013 14:31

Please tell me do all men do this though?
Unfortunately I have strong feelings for this man and it would be so hard to leave, I don't want to find its just something thats done these days and I'll be going through it all again in the future?!

OP posts:

Xales · 25/02/2013 14:34

Nope. Sorry not all men do this.

I alsovdon't think I know one person who would not text who is this if they didn't already know.

foolonthehill · 25/02/2013 14:34

No. All men don't do this. Nor should they.

UnknownGnome · 25/02/2013 14:36

No. All men do not do this.

Do your male friends text you similar things? Clearly not, or you wouldn't be asking.

I repeat, all men do not do this. It's not normal and it's cop-out for him to say that someone must be sending them by mistake.

catlady1 · 25/02/2013 14:39

I'm sure you know deep down that this isn't normal or something that all men do.

I agree with the others - he definitely knows this person, he also texts this person, and he probably sees her every day hence why he said you could keep his phone. Either that or he's texted her and told her not to message him for a day or so (and then deleted the messages, obviously). There is NO WAY that if someone received a text like you described, they wouldn't think to ask who had sent it if they genuinely didn't know. And then if it really was innocent, the sender would realise they had to wrong number and it wouldn't happen again.

Original poster

gettingfedupnow · 25/02/2013 15:11

A few months ago the xxxx text come through but this time it was under a mans name in his phone, I threw his phone at him , I stupidly should have just rang the number on reflection.
He said that this 'Alan' must have text his number by accident?
Reading in wrote down I no what I'd be thinking reading this post if someone else was writing it!

Thing is we dont have nights out apart, so I dont believe its an affair, I'm so confused:(

OP posts:

Charbon · 25/02/2013 15:17

Don't be confused. 'Alan' and the person who's texting now are either one and the same woman at work, or two different women at work or some place he goes during the day. Affairs don't just happen after dark.

MadAboutHotChoc · 25/02/2013 15:19

This is very dodgy behaviour. He is lying and he is cheating.

Many affairs take place during work hours and lunchbreaks.

Original poster

gettingfedupnow · 25/02/2013 15:33

Why why why do I believe him when he is reassuring me that its all a misunderstanding.
I've got a bit of intelligence I'd like to think!! Maybe not :)
Could this all be a coincidence? What if it was your partners / husbands?

Would you just walk away?

OP posts:

Cherriesarelovely · 25/02/2013 15:39

There is no way these texts are coming through as a "mistake". He is lying to you, I'm pretty sure of that. I don't think all men do this by any means. If this were my DP I would be livid and if I couldn't trust them then ultimately I would leave them. Sorry, that is horrible to hear and it may well not come to that in your situation but I couldn't live with someone who thought it was ok to, at the very least, send romantic text message back and forth to someone other than me.

SweetSeraphim · 25/02/2013 15:41

Something is not right here, OP. Even if he is not having a physical affair, he is acting very oddly. He seems to get a lot of calls and texts from people by accident

SweetSeraphim · 25/02/2013 15:44

If it was my DP.... I would have to get to the bottom of it, or it would make me ill. I would ask him to come home from work as soon as possible, and confront him by telling him I thought he was bullshitting. And I would demand to see the messages and to find out the truth. It would be hideous, but I couldn't deal with it in any other way. What worries me is that he is such a smooth liar. Because he is a liar. I'm really sorry for being so blunt

tightfortime · 25/02/2013 15:58

Yes, he's saving her (their) numbers as men's names. Yes, it's probably someone at work who he sees first thing and can warn off. And yes, it's happening before, during and after work.

Is he leaving earlier in the morning? Is he dressing smarter? Coming home hungry because 'he got no lunch' or in exceptionally good form? Is his phone really busy with texts in the evenings and at weekend? Are you invited to work dos or to meet his colleagues?

I'd do a little more digging before confronting him as he seems to have a prepared 'excuse'

Charbon · 25/02/2013 16:03

If my partner already had form for secretly contacting women early on in the relationship and this was happening again, I would end it. The reason you believe the unbelievable is because you don't want it to be true. That doesn't mean the relationship is one that's worth having, or that you will ever trust him.

AnyFucker · 25/02/2013 18:22

I have only known one man who behaved like this

And he was a sexually incontinent twat who couldn't keep it in his trousers

Don't fall for the idea that he can't be up to something because he rarely goes out in the evenings without you. Many dodgy people manage to get up to no good during work time, just before/after work or book sneaky days off without you knowing

You seem to be pushing away every chance to get to the bottom of this. You are subconsciously scuppering any chance you have to find out the truth. Take your head out the sand, love, and pluck up your courage. If he's making a fool of you, surely it's best that you know sooner rather than later ?

I wouldn't take an offer to have his phone for the day serioulsy now though. You keep warning him, and giving him oodles of time to cover his tracks.

Buzzardbird · 26/02/2013 09:51

I know guys who put female friends in their phones under men's names. It is dodgy as it is a deliberate act of deceit. It really gets my goat that even I am entered under a male name which makes me look like a bit on the side too!

It is obviously dodgy, why are you not seeing it?

SweetSeraphim · 28/02/2013 11:38

What was the outcome of this OP?

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