Should I be worried??... DH, girl at work, and phone secrecy!

[chocochoco]

DH and I have been married for 5 years, have a DD - almost 2 and I am currently 5 months pregnant. A few months ago a new girl started at DH's work (and i do mean "girl" - she is 18, DH is 35) and he was working very closely with her... training her etc.

DH told me straight from the start that they got on well and have a lot in common and have struck up a good friendship etc - which of course is fine. But he also told me a little while ago that he thinks she is really pretty (even looked her up on facebook without adding her as a friend and showed me a picture of her!) And yes she is very attractive - alot more so than I am.

She has now left the company to go travelling for a few months before she starts uni. They have been texting each other - I am not sure how much... which brings me onto my DH's phone obsession and secrecy! He has an iphone with a password and his phone does not leave his side. I have asked him what they text each other and he briefly tells me its just general chat but when i ask him if i can read the texts he says no, and that i should trust him - he senses my jealously and tells me he loves me etc. I will add that there is very little romance in our relationship and very little sex - but that is not new.

I dont think necessarily that anything has happened between them (but i am worried), and i obviously dont know what she is thinking but i have my suspicions that DH has feelings for her and why is he so secretive with his phone?? If the message tone comes on and i pick it up he grabs it from me - even though i cant even get through the password!

Do you think i should be worried? Or is it just pregnancy hormones making me a bit paranoid? Would love to hear your thoughts.

It would make me uncomfortable no matter what is or isn't going on. The mere fact you feel unhappy about it is enough that it should stop. Partners shouldn't make each other sad/suspicious.

I don't think you are being paranoid.

He is way out of order, sorry.

Yes, Hully is spot on.

It's not a nice way to behave towards your partner - knowing that you're making them feel unsettled and suspicious. He knows that you're worried, and yet he won't put your mind at rest by showing you his phone? Then he has something to hide, imo.

And, fwiw, I'm one of those people who is very big on privacy - I have nothing to do with DPs phone or iPad, don't know his passwords etc. And I expect the same in return. But if I was feeling like you, and told him, I would expect reassurance.

Did he used to be more relaxed/open with his phone? If this is new behaviour I would definately be suspicious. Tell him he's making you feel shit with his constant texting and secrecy. Don't accuse him, just say that and see how he reacts.

I think he's being out of order. If he knows you are worried and the texts ARE innocent, it wouldn't be a big deal just to let you have a look at them so that fact he won't is quite cruel. With my ex we were big on privacy but when I was concerned about the messages I thought he was sending to a friend on fb, he let me have a look at the whole conversation. The time he was sending questionable pictures to someone, he wouldn't let me see the conversation at all.

Its not on that he didnt show you the texts and yes there probably is more to it unfortunately.

How come there is no romance or sex between you though???

If you dont nurture your own relationship together, it will die eventually

Yes, you should be worried, sorry

Now what is he going to do to ensure that you have nothing to worry about ?

Nothing ? Except cheap words that any old liar can trip off a deceitful tongue ?

oh dear

You are not paranoid.

It is not you, it is him.

Has he always been so protective over his phone?

I would be very uncomfortable and worried if my dh was texting a woman and acting all shifty like this.

Sorry.

He has always been a bit private with his phone but in the past i have known his password and on the couple of occasions i have had a sneaky peak, i have not found anything i shouldnt... but since "work girl" has been around he has changed his password.

I have been trying to sneakily look when he types it in - and think i may have a rough idea what it is. The trouble is his phone is always in his pocket and he never just leaves it lying around so i dont get a chance to have a sneaky look - although i do know that is wrong anyway. Howver, it is something i will do if i get the chance because i have asked him on numerous occasions what his password is or if i can look at his texts and he wont let me!

Regarding the lack of romance etc, DH has never been the the most affectionate person. Being pregnant, having a young DD, both working full time etc etc.... But i do wonder if he finds me attractive anymore if i am honest.

Don't blame yourself, choco

And don't let anyone else put that germ of an idea in your head

If he was unhappy, he could talk to you about it. He could make sure you both get equal leisure time, so you are less tired. He could suggest ideas to reconnect with you

Instead he transfers his interest to a young girl at work and does nothing to make you feel better about it. Seriously arsehole behaviour.

He even grabs the phone from you?

A decent man would not behave like this.

This new level of secrecy would worry me.

He should be allaying your fears, not making you feel paranoid, even if nothing has gone on. Time for a serious chat.

Branleuse "If you dont nurture your own relationship together, it will die eventually"

You have a skewed view on relationships if you don't mind my saying so. You have automatically deferred the fault onto the OP even though you have no idea of the situation. In your mind, it is her fault for not nuturing her relationship with him.

OP you have your hands full with a pre-schooler and a baby on the way so none of this is your fault AT ALL. I know how hard it is when you are at home all day, feeling exhausted and running around after a little one. I used to envy my dh with his allocated tea-breaks, full 1 hour lunch break and adult conversation!

A healthy relationship is made up of respect, love and teamwork. He is not acting as part of a team by keeping things from you, nor is he showing you much respect by making you feel upset and paranoid.

Relationships don't have to be so open that you read each other's mail and emails all the time but when it comes down to passwords and refusing to show you texts when asked, that smacks of him covering something up.

She may well be flattered by the attention of an older man but ultimately she is 18 and has her whole life ahead of her, she's hardly going to want to be burden with a married man who has one child and another on the way so he shouldn't get his hopes up.

Nor should he be even contemplating it. He has a wife at home and whilst it's all very well saying that he loves you - actions speak much louder than words.

What he is generally like OP? How does he treat you? You say there is no romance or sex, have you tried? Have you talked about it? Is there any communication between you? Were the pregnancies planned?

He is generally a nice man, who absolutely adores our DD. He might not show me any affection but he smothers our daughter with kisses and cuddles. Our DD was planned but the current pregnancy wasnt. I am 5 months pregnant and we have only had sex once since falling pregnant, and i cant see it happening again any time soon really.

I dont initiate sex with him as to be honest i feel overweight - which i am a bit and more so as i am pregnant, and he is obviously attracted to slim "work girl" - he also eyes up pretty girls on the TV... sort of in a jokey way but enough to make me feel insecure... like he is trying to tell me something without actually saying it.

There is communication between us i think... well maybe it is me communicating to him. I do ask for a cuddle sometimes but he makes out it is a chore and sometimes he says no. Thinking about it, it doesnt feel "real" very often if you know what i mean... like he is cuddling his sister.

It doesnt sound good does it

no no Im not blaming her, it was a question, not an accusation and it doesn't make his behaviour ok.
no sex OR affection is not conducive to a healthy relationship though and is generally an affair waiting to happen. that is certainly not laying blame with op though

Ok this could be innocent but this is the way my ex acted, put it to back of my mind and thought it was prob nothing but wished I'd listened to my instincts as 5 months later I found out he had been having an affair. All within work hours and sneaky days off. Please listen to your instincts and talk to him. It may be innocent but if he is he's out of order being so secretive why hide something. His response is exactly what my ex used to say!

Ooh hope I'm wrong Hun x

I would feel very uncomfortable if my DH had a password on his phone that he want happy to share with me. Why would he need to be secretive about it?

I'd be very unhappy of my DH was texting an 18yr girl in a friendly way. Why would a married middle aged man be 'friends' with an 18yr old girl??

My DH works with many young women he has never become 'friends' with any of them. In fact he is very careful to never discuss anything outside work issues with them as he is aware that an over familiarity is easily misconstrued.

This has bells all over it I'm afraid.

I'm so sorry choco but it looks, from what you've just posted, like he gave up on your relationship a long time ago and is now looking for an excuse to bail out.

He might shower your dd with love - I doubt that will ever change, but you also deserve love.

I suggest you talk to him when he gets home. Put your dd to bed, tell him you need to chat and then just open up and tell him that you realise there is something wrong with your relationship. Don't blame, just tell him how it feels to you. No sex, no cuddles, no shows of affection - that's not a sign of a healthy relationship and I'm sure he knows this. You can ask him what's wrong, if he wants out, etc but you must be prepared to hear things you might not like.

If he wants to make another go of it, you could suggest Relate. But if he doesn't you may have to accept that this could be the end. However for you it's not the end. Your children have a very hands-on dad who adores them and you would be free to find someone who will give you the love you so rightly deserve.

Be strong, you deserve more than a relationship which is just about existing. It's a shame your man isn't decent enough to open to you about it, he seems to be taking the cowards way out and is already looking elsewhere.

And honey, it doesn't matter if you are fat or stick thin, a good relationship is one in which you are loved for who you are and not your physical attributes. I'm sure he isn't exactly Mr Picture Perfect himself.

I really thought about this and tried to see it from his point of view but I would insist on seeing them messages if they are not already deleted!! It really would have me thinking the worst too Chocco - I feel for you. Good luck

Definitely dodgy behaviour

There should be full transparency and no secrets.

From what OP has said, it looks like he has been withdrawing intimacy and affection from her not the other way around

Do my eyes deceive me? 'Hun'??? 'Hun' sunny? Off with your head to the other place you go!

It doesn't sound good, choco, honey, and I suspect he's fallen for the allure of a young girl half his age as the attention she has, of necessity, given him in his role of instructor/trainer has flattered his ego to the extent where he consciously or subconciously sees her as a means to put away the cares and woes of a 35yo married man, father to 1 and another on the way, and become a teenager again.

He's deluding himself and his infatuation with her and/or her infatuation with him won't last, but unless he grows up comes to terms with the 'what if's' and the 'if only's' which are part and parcel of the myriad decisions we make, whether trivial or life-changing, and which can beset us all at various times in our lives, the chances are that this won't be the first time he's swayed by what is, essentially, a fantasy.

To me, it seems as if he's prematurely aping those older men who take up with women young enough to be their daughters and while there may be nothing wrong with that per se, a married man who engages in pursuing a much younger woman can quickly become a laughing stock to the even greater humiliation of his long-suffering wife.

Maybe you should ask him how he would feel if a married man of his age comes a courting your dd when she's 18? If nothing else, it may make him realise that this young woman is on the threshold of her adult life and undoubtedly has dps of her own who will not wish to see her fall victim to one such as he at this, or any other, point in time.