When you split up with your dp/dh did you talk to your best friend about it ?

[Norah]

Just wondering - as my best friend (of very long standing) can't talk to me !

I thought she had dumped me tbh - but I wrote to her saying how sad I was that she wasn't letting me support her - and she has written back saying that I am still her greatest friend - but she cannot bear to talk to me about any of it as it is all too raw and painful. She says she is just "getting through the day" - frequently bursting into tears and cannot talk to me.

I've said I understand and will be here when she wants to talk - but I am really finding it hard to believe ! If it was me I know I would want to talk to her.

So - I was just wondering if anyone else found it hard to speak to their close friends in the wake of a split ?

Sometimes it was hard, but I did find her very supportive, and in the end it was good to talk to someone about it.

But I always thought that I might be going on a bit too much about it so didn't talk as much as I could have.

Hmmmm - I don't know, this is really worrying me.

Maybe it's because we were a bit of a foursome before they moved away -but she and I have been best friends since we were 17 and that is long before we met the h's. I could sort of understand if we were only friends as couples - so confusing.

Maybe she thinks of him when she speaks to me ?

So worrying !

?

She probably a bit ashamed ..I know it makes no sense but she may feel like a failure just be supportive she probably will speak to you it's just too raw at the mo... don't take it personally

She's (I mean)

Me too kama

Thanks both of you - I just can't get my head around it so it's good to know that you were the same.

I think there is an element of shame - specially as I have heard from others that she is already seeing someone else. I guess one of the reasons I am confused is that the split is entirely her choice - her h is devastated - but not without fault. Really I think they were not compatible and her family never liked him - so to my mind she has got what she wanted - so I can't understand why she is so "raw" - I guess it could be sense of failure and obviously deep sadness that it has not worked out.

I should back off I know - I have backed off - but I am just worried now that if she can't talk to me is she storing all her problems up for the future etc.

None of my business I guess - I should butt out. Just that after 21yrs I thought it was some of my business.

Im the same norah
Although circs are different
Dh is leaving me, Im devastated
Talking to people who are further away physically or emotionally is much easier than talking to people I am close to - be they friends or work colleagues

Oh I'm sorry to hear that busybee - hope you are bearing up ? Talking is good to my mind - talking helps me get things straight. I don't necessarily want opinions or advise - just sounding boards.

Trouble is I am physically distant - 200 ish miles - and I know all the history that has lead up to it - so to my mind I am the ideal person to talk to - and hence why I am so sad and worried about it.

Just don't get it. Nothing I can do though - just wait.

Took me 3 months to tell anyone Norah, apart from on Mumsnet. I talked here online, because it was the only way I could hold it together. I also didn't want to tell people what a giant sh*t ex-H had been until I was completely sure that our relationship was over.

Could you just a tiny weeny bit possibly be turning this into a crisis about you and your friend instead of it being about your friend and her dh???

No offense ...

No shimmy - I am not turning it into a crisis - it IS a crisis about me and my best friend of 21 years.

Thanks so much for your helpful observation

Bugsy - I am so glad that mumsnet helped you. I wish that my friend could come on here but she doesn't do computers and has no access.

I am worried that by only talking to her parents - who hated her h anyway - that she is getting a very polarised view of her situation. I just wish I could help her.

Thanks for the insights into your situation - it really helps that others have felt the same.

Wish I had a close friend like you. From my own experience which is quite recent I would say she is being as honest as she can and will really appreciate your letter. What a lovely friend you are and how lovely for your friend to know that you are there for her.

Thanks rey, that's really nice of you.

Shimmy's comment earlier really upset me tbh. I just want my friend to be happy - she hasn't been happy for years and this is just the beginning of her new life. I just hope that she takes me with her to her new happy life.

Not much more I can do really - I hate feeling helpless.

maybe seeing you in a happy partnership while hers is breaking down is just too much for her?

nope - only cause she ran off with him.....

it may be the beginning but she still has to grieve and deal with the past before she can move on... maybe she just needs space to get her head around. If she has said she is just getting through the day - perhaps send some flowers and just a wee note that says you are thinking of her.

Thanks eidsvold - didn't understand your first line I'm afraid - but yes have done the flowers and notes thing. Just think it's important for her to know that I am thinking of her even though she can't speak to me right now.

I think Eidsvold meant her hubby ran off with her best friend? I may be wrong of course.

Oh God - I'm sorry eidsvold - I had no idea !

Not the case here thankfully ! would be me not speaking to her if that was the case !