Feeling insecure - need some perspective

[Confused2013]

I've name changed for this as I never thought it's something I'd need to post about. Don't want to talk to anyone in RL as I'm embarrassed and really need some MN objective wisdom.
Dh and I been together a long time and married for 6 years. Have 1 dd and am currently 12 weeks pregnant with dc2. We've always been happy - he's a great husband and dad and our sex life has been great. Perhaps could happen a little more often (combination of busy working lives and looking after small child) but the quality is great. I've been nervous in first trimester so we've not had sex since I found out I was pregnant.
Was looking on the laptop over the weekend and saw in the recent searches that dh had been looking at lingerie which was not completely unusual as he's bought me hold ups etc. in the past and this was much of the same. I did feel a bit weird though given that I'm pregnant but have said that we can resume our sex life once I'm into my second trimester (as last pregnancy I was horny as anything and he was the nervous one). Anyway finding those searches made me look at the full search history and I found that he had looked at about 8 or 10 pages of porn 3 weeks ago. It was disgusting with some anal sex (all male / female) and has left me feeling inadequate, angry, naive (as never thought he would look at that stuff) and really vulnerable.
I challenged him about it and after initially denying it he admitted that he had felt frustrated and was curious. He says he feels ashamed of himself and is very sorry; he says this is the only time he's ever looked and I've no reason to doubt him on this. I just want advice about whether I'm over-reacting in my hormonal state. I can't get it out of my head as I'm a million miles away from the surgically enhanced women on the Internet.
Sorry it's long but I'd really like some objective advice. Thanks.

As you say, you are feeling vulnerable. And your sex life is currently on hold (for valid reasons). It's not nice but tbh most men look at porn, and it has no reflection on what he wants in RL. It's just a visual stimulant.

He's being very contrite so I'm inclined to say don't read more into it than him just getting a bit of distraction.

Others may disagree but I really don't think it's that big a deal.

marriednotdead - thank you for your post. I agree that I'm possibly reading more into this than is warranted but you're right that my vulnerability (and feeling a bit fat and unattractive in early pregnancy) is having an influence. He is contrite and has been very apologetic in the face of my shouting and snide comments. Thanks for your opinion - it's helpful to read.

You are not over-reacting. If you don't want him having an additional source of sexual arousal which he does not share with you, then spell it out to him - as you seem to have done.

You do need to work on communication - it's not easy for someone to express their frustrations, but it is much better that he learns to do so, rather than just turning secretively away from you. Even if you've not felt like sex in the first trimester (and his frustration is normal) there are better ways to deal with it than the one he chose.

FWIW, I do find it credible that it was out of character and one hopes something he will not repeat. After reading MN threads, I asked DH if he had ever looked at porn - he confessed to having done so for a few weeks some time ago - curious after hearing colleagues discussing porn at work and becoming He stopped, because he found it grubby not arousing. We've had some heart to hearts about what is tolerable. Not easy conversations as he was battling shame despite it being so long in the past. But well worth it.

scaevola - thank you for that. He actually said that he didn't find it arousing and didn't act on it. I asked him if he masturbated watching it and he denied it. I did think he had more imagination than resorting to porn but I know men need that visual stimulation. I have said that he could have spoken with me about his frustrations but he said that he felt awkward doing that as I've been exhausted and I'd just think he was a pest! I guess he just felt the urge to act on his frustrations - I hope he speaks to me next time. I'm irrational as I've been imagining him moving on to chat rooms etc. - bloody pregnancy hormones! I've never had any cause to doubt him in the past so hope I can just forget about this. Thanks again.

Bumping thread for any other viewpoints.

Not all men as a whole sex look at porn or require visual stimulation. Many men find their eroticism through different senses. He might be telling the truth about not finding it arousing; many men are initially curious but find it unappealing and offensive - and that's without the sound political arguments against porn.

I think it would be better to have a grown-up discussion about your sexual fantasies and needs, rather than one that involves shame. Is he interested in anal sex, for example? If he was, does he feel he could discuss this with you? Are there things that appeal to you but you've been too scared to discuss with him?

There's no biological reason why penetrative sex needs to be off the menu at any point in pregnancy incidentally. But if neither of you are comfortable with that, it is only one aspect of sex after all; there are lots of other ways of giving and receiving pleasure.

I agree with what charbon said.

Is there a valid reason you are not having sex? Have you have bleeding or any probs with first child or do you just feel rough?

Even if you don't want penetrative sex could you not have oral or at least some touching?

Even you really don't fancy it that's fair enough, but I personally wouldn't think looking at some porn after 3 mths of no sex as a big deal at all. Not saying men can't use their imagination but I guess its nice to look at an image if you are not getting the real thing.

I think using porn is a big deal, as is using it secretly. But it's better for people in a relationship to be truthful and honest about their sexual needs and fantasies.

Oh course anything secretive is wrong.

I'd want my dp to be honest if he was into porn, anal sex .

I'd also want him to discuss with me the fact we hadn't had sex for 3mths, not be too scared to bring it up.

He actually said that he didn't find it arousing and didn't act on it. I asked him if he masturbated watching it and he denied it.

Then why did he look at 8-10 pages of porn?

You are entitled to your views on porn and to make it a deal breaker. It may help if you ask him to do some reading on the realities of the porn industry and its links to drugs, trafficking and abuse of vulnerable girls and women.

Thank you all for your posts - it's given me some food for thought.

I know there is no risk to having sex in pregnancy but I've felt pretty exhausted and wiped out for the past few months; I've managed to maintain my working life without colleagues guessing I'm pregnant and my time away from work is spent looking after a typical 2 year old. Dh has been working compulsory extra hours at work so by the time I've done the majority of the cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing I'm pretty tired at the end of the day and sex is the furthest thing from my mind. I'm also psychologically (and probably irrationally) nervous about the risk of miscarriage before 12 weeks.

We've always been open and honest about our needs as a couple and he's caring and considerate to me in all ways, including in bed. There has never been any indication that he is interested in anal sex - in fact he has said the opposite and has certainly never tried to discuss it as something he would want to pursue (we've been together over 16 years so not a new relationship). I do need to try to talk to him in a more calm and rational manner - my initial reaction was fuelled by my anger and disappointment. MadAboutHotChoc - I agree with your observation that he looked at several pages before he decided it was not his thing.

Lots of talking for us I think. I can't make my views about porn any clearer to him. Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

His looking at porn, hopefully,is now in the past,his curiosity was satisfied,you can't erase that fact, but hopefully he will promise you never to visit such sites again. Make it known to him how bad it makes you feel.

Thanks flatbellyfella. I'm hoping it is in the past and he's certainly clear on my feelings about this. He only has the home laptop if he wants to access anything like that again - has no smartphone and a work laptop. He's never had a problem telling me what he wants before - he has made a few comments over recent months but clearly got the impression that I wasn't keen. I would rather he had just told me how he really felt than secretly looking at porn. It's hardly a substitute for a good real life sexual relationship.

I 100% agree.