Where do I draw the line? / When is it worth getting divorced over?

[BirdFromDaNorf]

I've posted a couple of times in the last few years that I struggle to sustain a decent relationship with MIL. I just want to know of people who have decided to not have a relationship with either their MIL or FIL or both, and where they've been able to evolve things on, so that your DC and DH can still see them, and it doesn't have to be awkward forever.

She and I just don't get on. Period. I don't want to know her. She's not a nice person.

I always come back to the line in my head that it's not worth getting divorced over. But my DH is stuck in the middle and doesn't have enough balls to tell her where to go when she's rude, manipulative and undermining of our parenting - in front of us. I do. And therein lies the problem.

So is it possible to just not know her? And if not, when does it get to the point where it's worth getting divorced over - because it causes problems in our marriage on an ongoing basis.

And just so no one thinks I'm drip feeding. We live next door to the PIL. Not attached. But next door. Our DC love them. I love that they love them. I want DH to be happy. I feel that I'm the fly in the ointment preventing them from getting along when I react to her statements. DH just pretends to not hear them - he tells me that's the way forward but I can't have someone tell me I am not dressing my DC properly. When I'm insisting on extra layers for rugby as it's snowing outside. I want to evolve this - I want to move it on - I don't want to have a big blow up with her every 4 months.

Sorry for ranting. Thank you in advance for input. x

You''ll obviously have thought of this, but if it was me I would move house. If you're not in the position where you could bump into them anytime you open the front door you'll surely feel a lot more relaxed about them. You can surely make up some reason for moving. Preferably far enough away that it requires a bit of effort for them to come round.
Unfortunately many people, especially the next generation up, believe that they know how you should be bringing up your children. Your MIL is not alone in that.

I second moving house.

Or ask her to leave every time she is rude and do not back down. If she realises that you aren't going to accept her behaviour and it means she can't be in your house, she may stop or reserve it for when you are at hers.

Although I imagine you have tried this, refusing any other discussion and saying "Please leave" until she does robs her of the opportunity to argue with you and create drama. And when she comes back you have no residual bad feeling as all you've asked of her is that she leaves until she calms down.

Have you told your husband that this is wearing you down to the extent that you have considered divorce? Does he realise that minimising his mother's behaviour is damaging your relationship to that extent?

I would also move house, its likely something you have already considered.
Being this close has its disadvantages particiularly when there is underlying familial tension and dysfunction.

BTW it is not your fault she is like this, I would blame her own parents for unleashing such damage on her.

You don't mention FIL; what's he like?. Is he really like many men in these situations i.e a bystander and her willing enabler (such women always but always need a willing enabler to help them) who acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life?.

Does she really bring a lot into your childrens lives, they also see how you are treated by her and perhaps are confused by her actions. She could also end up using your children against you or show overt favouritism to one sibling over another.

Unfortunately your DH is also part of the problem because he cannot stand up to his mother. He may not ever be able to I warn you now.

Your H cannot fully defend you when she casts aspertions on your parenting. Going lalala and sticking his fingers in his ears is a tactic that does not ever work. I would also suggest she is having a pop at your DH as well by doing this.

Unfortunately your DH has had a lifetime of conditioning at the hands of his parents and he is likely to be either unwilling or even unable to accept the fact that his mother is not nice at all. BTW she would have been the same regardless of whom he married, such difficult and emotionally unhealthy people are often unhappy and love to pull others who are happy down to their level.

When you do visit I would suggest you all go together; you are a family unit and you are a big part of this. She would perhaps very much like to see just DH and the children; do not give her such satisfaction.

You need boundaries re these people and you need to properly decide what is and what is not acceptable behaviours to you.

Your own consistency in dealing with such people is key, the "normal" rules of dealing with familial relations fly out of the window when up against such dysfunctional people.

WOuld also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as this could well help you.

This is really about power and control; his mother wants absolute power.

All you can do with such dysfunctional people is detach emotionally from them with a view to considering how much contact you actually want with such people at all. You certainly need to put more physical distance between them and yourselves.

Your DH still seeks his approval from his dysfunctional mother I think. People love their parent no matter how awful and he's had a lifetime of such conditioning.

MIL has never apologised for her actions has she or even taken responsibility for same.

She and her H will never come around, its their way or no way basically and I would think long and hard about how they interact and behave with regards to your children particularly as they could well slag off mum and dad within their hearing.

Imo its not worth getting divorced over. Can you somehow just tolerate her? I find thats waht most people have to do but I understand it can be trying. As long as your children are safe around her... just try to live and let live. Difficilt sometimes I know. Alternatively, move.

If you've posted before I imagine you've akready been advised to do non-response responses? "Oh, that's nice" and "Do you think so?" and "That's nice" and "Do you really think so?" ad infinititum.

If your DH is really not up to dealing with her then you've got to think of some way to stop this winding you up so much

I have a hideous MIL but thank goodness she lives in Italy!!

DH has never stood up to her when she was vile to me because she is vile to everyone and he is used to it.

I have cried sooooooo many tears over her and then one day i said enough was enough! She has cut everyone off and is mean to everyone apart from my boys.

I am a grown up and do not need to put up with this anymore. If dh wants to see her and take the boys to Italy he is welcome to do so, but i do not need to go. I have not laid eyes on her for 6 years and my life is much better for it.

IIWY i would move house OR let dh take the children to see the gp's and not go myself. Why put yourself through it?

But what possessed you to live next door to them?

Thank you to everyone for taking time to reply. Am not able to reply right now, but will tomorrow. Thank you so much x