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Original poster

H has decided he is no good as a parent or husband and therefore wants out...

26 replies

onlyaname · 24/02/2013 12:15

on Friday evening DH lost his temper with very stroppy and stubborn toddler. She had been difficult all day. He didn't hurt her but did shout and try to force her into bed. then he suddenly stopped, started to walk away and then kicked furniture and shook her cot. He told me to keep away from him. Next thing I know he's putting coat and shoes on and going out saying nothing.

He comes back and says he cannot trust himself around me or her. He is worried about his anger levels and hurting us. Moves into spare room. He is now ignoring toddler even though she is being absolutely lovely. I think this is affecting her more than any shouting. And is really quite pathetic behaviour from an adult.

Has said he needs time to think but that he should never have become a father and wants me to divorce him as he is not sure he loves me. He says he is too old to change.

He has never hurt either of us physically and is not at all emotionally abusive or manipulative. But he has lost his temper before, but usually disappears out the door before he shouts or anything. He has struggled with toddler DD from birth, found trying to calm her difficult etc., and had counselling after her very difficult and traumatic birth. (I suspect PTSD). But recently he has been really happy and is very different with the new baby, calm and so on.

After he disappears for a while there follows a period of introspection and analysis, with him feeling guilty and down. We then chat and usually move on.

I really don't know where to go from here. He thinks the toddlers tantrums are because of him and that he makes her worse. I have been feeling a bit low for last few weeks mainly because I have been stuck in with 2 kids and we have all been ill on and off for ages. I know this hasn't helped and I have been snappy and feeling resentful of him when he goes out to work or to socialise. Toddler has picked up on atmosphere and is also being typical toddler.

He now wants some space and is staying in the spare room. I think he is being self indulgent and childish. I think he quite likes going off like some hermit and listening to his music. He says its not just about Friday but other times too.

I really don't know what to think or do. I'm bloody angry that he has decided to stop parenting our children and I'm angry that he won't just man up and get on with things. I do appreciate that he might need some help. I also think that perhaps he's right I'd be better off on my own.

OP posts:

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 24/02/2013 12:22

Perhaps he should leave and get himself the help he needs to control himself, and then come back when he has sorted himself out?

He comes back and says he cannot trust himself around me or her. He is worried about his anger levels and hurting us. At least he doesn't think how he has behaved is ok.

His time would be better spent going back into counselling, than shutting himself away with his music.

If he is serious about this, he should take some serious steps to make things better instead of indulging himself. If he wants space, then he should go elsewhere until he feels he can 'trust himself', instead of remaining in your home and ignoring the children.

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub · 24/02/2013 12:24

If he thinks he might hurt you or the children, he needs to get help for that ASAP. Is he willing to get help?

FlouncingMintyy · 24/02/2013 12:31

Yes, it is rather self-indulgent. He definitely needs to talk about this with someone rather than expect you to ride the storm each time and be there to pick up the pieces if/when he decides everything is ok again. I don't expect you want him to do this ... but could he move out for a couple of weeks?

arthriticfingers · 24/02/2013 12:35

had counselling after her very difficult and traumatic birth. (I suspect PTSD)
him ? not you?
words fail me, but, perhaps, it would be helpful for you to be giving this some serious thought?

SecondhandRose · 24/02/2013 12:41

Someone once said to me that we can only parent by our own experience. There are no lessons in being parents and it IS extremely difficult. Maybe he feels lost and not able to say or do the right things to comfort her?

Does he really want out or does he just want DD to do as she is told? My DH has far more patience than me. I was more like your DH and got stressed whereas he

One thing is for sure, the spare room and running away is not the answer. It is not about his feelings, it is about the children. Once you have a child, they come before everything else.

Make a date with him to sit down and talk, it is highly unreasonable to think he can walk away and leave you to care for them on your own.

MortifiedAdams · 24/02/2013 12:45

If he is refusing to parent his dd then he needs to find somewhere else to stay whilst he indulges in his reflections, twat

Having him around and being ignored by him is infinitley worse than a period of.no contact at all.

And if he wants a divorce then he can instigate it.

akaemmafrost · 24/02/2013 12:45

Oh Boo hoo! Got you worrying about HIM now hasn't he? Added nicely to your work load. As for ignoring your toddler? What a tool. It's totally self indulgent behaviour and he needs to grow up. It's not about HIM! Next time he whines about moving out say "you do that, need help to pack?" See how quickly he turns about. He sounds very manipulative to me and got himself out of doing any parenting work quite nicely hasn't he? While the household dances round him. Your TODDLER is learning already that daddy needs to be kept happy or he will sulk.

coppertop · 24/02/2013 12:51

Sounds to me as though the toddler isn't the only one having a tantrum.

He doesn't get to just opt out of the crappy bits and act like an overgrown teenager, hiding in his bedroom and listening to music.

If he wants space and plans to stop being a father and husband, then he needs to take his self-pity elsewhere.

DameFanny · 24/02/2013 12:58

He sounds to me like he has some very deep rooted problems. Agree he needs to seek counselling, but from the history you've given it could be a long road.

So there's going to be an additional burden on you - either he goes and you're a lone parent, or he stays and you'll be supporting him too.

What - realistically - do you want?

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 24/02/2013 13:04

He needs to move out and get help. It doesn't have to mean the marriage is over, but he can't just sleep in the spare room while he sorts his head out, it's not fair on you and it's especially not fair on your DD.

It will be easier on your own, it's not fair you will be doing 100% with the children, but at least you wont be dealing with him and the way he is with DD at the moment.

It might also give him some time to reflect on what he would be losing and to get the help he needs to sort himself out.

I'm sorry you are going through this - especially with a toddler and a small baby as well.

asktheaudience · 24/02/2013 13:05

I think it's a bit odd he's going for the jugular and asking for a divorce straight off.

Is there any possibility that there is someone else involved?

I ask because my H became quite verbally abusive (and physically, on a couple of occasions) to the DC when the strain of hiding his sordid affair became too much. Although I was spared the insults and rough treatment, he said things like 'I'm a terrible Dad, you'd be better off without me' and suggested divorce, completely out of the blue.

Sorry if this is way off, but some of the details - the cycle of happy-rage-storming out-talk-repeat rang a few bells with me.

Branleuse · 24/02/2013 13:05

i think he needs psychological help. You can load it to whatever bias you prefer but he knows he's not adequate, it sounds like he didn't bond with her after the traumatic birth and is withdrawing. Whether you want to give him time to sort himself out is your choice.
what he's doing at the moment is worse for your dd than him staying elsewhere though.
you can come on here and rant ofc because its a shit situation but it really sounds like he's got mental health problems which are not necessarily something you can man up and get over sometimes.

Charbon · 24/02/2013 13:21

Like asktheaudience I would also query whether there is an affair. People having affairs very often catastrophise a minor event and turn it into a divorcing issue and the most manipulative characters having an affair make leaving or opting out sound like an act of charity to a spouse and children.

If he wants out of the relationship with you, he needs to realise that fatherhood isn't something he can opt out of too. If you split, he will still be expected to look after his children for sustained periods of time so please don't indulge him for any longer.

AnyFucker · 24/02/2013 13:31

Send this spied child back to mummy

AnyFucker · 24/02/2013 13:32

Spoiled!

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 24/02/2013 15:04

He's actually ignoring the toddler!? What an arse.

If he thinks he should never have become a parent should he not have made his views known before you had a second child? He can't hack it so he will just leave you with both to look after while he goes off to act like a spoiled brat?

on your behalf.

AnyFucker · 24/02/2013 15:08

What sort of self-entitled, juvenile, halfwitted arsehole of a person ignores a toddler ??

Fucking inadequate little jumped-up prick

Mumsyblouse · 24/02/2013 15:11

As everyone else has said, very self-indulgent. I have certainly had those nights where I have lost it, shouted at a baby and a toddler, and whilst I am not particularly proud, and make an enormous effort not to do so, I simply couldn't decide to stop parenting because I was less than perfect. He needs to get a grip, he can't be too crap at parenting to parent, it's not a choice once you've had a child.

In fact, what he did was pretty sensible, he heard himself shouting and losing it (anyone else ever done that with an annoying 2 year old then?) and removed himself.

If you can walk away, all the better, I don't think he's done anything unforgiveable, although it is frightening to lose control. But a one off is really neither here nor there in a lifetime's parenting career!

I am also a bit open-mouthed at him getting counselling for your traumatic birth. Unfortunately, it does seem like he is behaving like the dependent here. I would tell him that his behaviour is horrible to your toddler and far more damaging than a one off shout, and that even if he wants to get divorced, he'll still have the children 50% of the time (ok, calling his bluff but if he got divorced, he'd still be a dad).

Most women I know have found their normal patience tried by demanding toddlers, but you just can't give up, you have to get up the next day and do it again. Indulgent navel-gazing is just not on the agenda and I would tell him so.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 24/02/2013 15:13

Agree with AF, that is beyond low.

Poor little girl isn't going to know what is going on. :(

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 24/02/2013 15:16

Self-indulgent twattery.

He doesn't just get to opt out because things are getting difficult. How convenient for him

Bogeyface · 24/02/2013 15:20

Christ, if we all just decided to stop being parents when it got a bit tough there would be more kids in care than with their parents!

I am afraid I agree with him. You and your DC will be far better off without him, not least because that way you will only have one tantrumming toddler to deal with and not the two you currently have.

Ask to leave. And dont take no for an answer.

SolidGoldBrass · 24/02/2013 19:49

Definitely make him leave the house. He doesn't get to indulge his sulk while having all his meals cooked and his washing done by you.

izzyizin · 24/02/2013 20:16

He needs to bugger off elsewhere and indulge sort himself while you decide whether he is any good as a parent or husband and whether his presence in your home adds anything to the quality of life you can enjoy without him.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 24/02/2013 22:07

What they said.

And, OP, clearly he is emotionally abusive and manipulative, contrarily to what you state in your opening post. He is ignoring his own child, having a tantrum, shirking his duties as a father, making the whole household tiptoe around his feelings, and adding to your stress and workload.

None of what he is doing is constructive or responsible. If he were really afraid of his own reactions, he would get himself help. if he really wanted a divorce, he would instigate it.

Instead, he is choosing to manipulate and abuse you all.

joanne1982uk · 25/02/2013 13:47

as selfish as he is. let him leave before he hurts you or the child. He obivously cant cope so get rid and find someone that can

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