Ex telling more lies :(

[GreenEyedGirlxxx]

Today Ex-p had DS for the whole day for the second time. We've been gradually building up his contact - DS is only 2 years old. We split over a year ago and ex hardly saw him for that year - his choice although he now says i made it too difficult -until Christmas.

We have a consent order in place now for contact. He has turned up late for nearly every time (he has him for a morning each week plus every other Saturday).

He is with the woman he left me for. We spoke about DS meeting her and agreed that he would leave that for a bit longer while DS got used to having time with his dad. We agreed to give it a month then discuss how to best approach it. Ex said he was really happy with this as contact was about him and DS, not anyone else.

Today he turned up for DS and refused to take his buggy saying he wouldn't need it which I thought was strange. Then I noticed a woman's handbag in the car. I said, is she waiting round the corner or something? If you're introducing DS to her I would rather know, please don't lie about it (he is a compulsive liar). He got angry and said I was paranoid, that the bag belonged to her daughter, that of course she wasn't coming out with them as he wouldn't do that.

When they came back, half an hour late, the bag had gone. I said I'm not stupid, and I need to be able to trust u. He said 'oh I just dropped her at supermarket and picked her up and dropped her somewhere as we r sharing car. I knew you wouldnt like it so thats why i lied. She didnt come with us and DS was asleep so didnt know she was there'. He then got really angry again, threatened me and whacked me with the car door which i was standing in front of and said he needed to leave quickly (presumably to get her from her hiding place round the corner!)

DS said 'I saw daddy and GF'. I've never mentioned her so he wouldn't know her name so she obviously was there all day.

Ex also refused to tell me when he'd eaten and slept.

Obviously I'm aware he can introduce him to who he wants. What bothers me is the constant lying. If I can't trust him to tell the truth ever, how can I trust she is safe to be around my son? It also concerns me that she is so happy to hide round the corner so Ex can deceive me.

Can I do anything about this though? Or do I just have to live with it? Can I do anything about him being late all the time and bringing him back late?

I didnt want to stop him being introduced to her, I just wanted it to be done gradually as DS is so young and until recently had very little contact with ex. I just want DS to come first, and for us to be honest with each other

He sounds like a pig.
If he didnt both at all in the first year of your split up i wouldnt be making it easy for him to have acess and if he is late i wouldnt be letting him take him at all..... my ex, we broke up going on for 3 weeks ago and i know this is diff than a year but he hasnt bothered at all so now if he does im going to make it hard for him (ex is violent aswell btw)
If he is late and bring back late dont let him have him!!! he is your son you need to protect him he could take him and not return him because he has PR and the police wouldnt be able to get him back either...or so im told... he sounds like a dick

Thanks. Well for some reason he called the police after he left telling them we'd had a verbal disagreement.

They phoned me and asked if I was ok and said they would come round. So I sent him a text (probably stupidly) and said 'police have called me, what have you said to them?'

He rang me straight back and said 'why have you called the police?' I said I haven't, you have. Then the OW was in the background saying 'who's called the police' and he said 'she has' so they were both saying that I'm crazy etc. I was trying to say, I haven't called the police, you have. And she was saying dont worry, we'll get her back in court, she's just trying to make it hard for you to see DS. I ended up hanging up the phone as he wasn't listening to me and they were both just bad mouthing me. Then he was saying 'what are you saying you headcase?' I wasn't even speaking. He also said I was crazy so he wouldn't be picking DS up from the house anymore. It's just a total pack of lies but she believes him.

Then the police came and confirmed he had phoned them. So he's just made me seem like a madwoman to OW. I feel like I'm being bullied.

OW's mum is a solicitor and is representing my ex. So now I assume they are going to try to take me back to court saying I've refused contact.

I actually feel like refusing contact now as I really don't like the thought of him being around people that do this. I have no idea what to do next.

I don't know why he would deny calling the police when his call will be logged and all his details taken.

Did the car door leave a mark? Did you tell the police your side if the story?

The police will tell the court that he rang them so don't worry about that.

Do you have a solicitor?

I know it's very difficult, but I would not refuse contact over this. Have you thought about a public place for handovers or someone else who can do this for you? I would set a time limit so that you say if he is more than 30 mins late you will not be there any more. If he does go to court, you need to seem reasonable and having the best interests of the child at heart.

It has been over a year so I would just let him do as he wishes on contact weekend, including letting your DS meet OW. The more fuss you kick up about it, the more satisfaction they will get.

I have an appointment with a solicitor on Thursday. He phoned today to say his solicitor was writing to me to say he wants to do handovers outside a police station! And that his GF would be with him. I feel really intimidated by both of them and don't want to face them on my own. They are just bullies. I'm not sure i have anyone who can commit to doing the handovers each week for me though.

Also, I suspect from the size of him and the fact I once found them on him that he is taking steroids, which can cause mood swings. Does anyone know if I can insist on a drugs test? I don't want to be OTT but his temper and mood swings concern me.

What a fuckwit. Does he really think the police won't have recorded who made the call

Can you contact the police and ask them for confirmation of the call and send it to his 'solicitor'? If she is a proper one she may back off if he is going to damage her reputation with his stupidity.

I think a neutral pick up and drop off place is a good idea.

Find somewhere with a near by coffee shop with a view so you can wait comfortably with a book and stroll up with out a care in the world when he is deliberately late.

OP Get a fucking solicitor!!

I think your best bet here would be the "sweetness & light" approach.

With the exception of emergencies concerning your DS I wouldn't discuss anything with your ex via phone or txt. Let everything go through the solicitors.

I agree with postmanpatscat on setting a time limit. If he's 30mins late go home and refuse access that day. He wants to meet in a public place, he can't expect you to wait around for him. On returning him late, don't get into a shouting match, just ignore him and send a warning letter through the solicitor. They will advise you what you can do if he continues this behaviour.

At the moment they're having a joke at your expense, getting a kick out of winding you up so stop giving them ammo. Be civil (maybe even nice) it will show you are the bigger person (and probably wind them up). If either of them start an argument, don't rise to it, don't answer any questions there and then. Just be polite say you need time to think about whatever requests they have made and send a reply via solicitor (make note of any insults in a diary for later in case you ever have to go to court)

I know it's hard to keep your cool in these situations, but try and good luck xxx

Yes, you need some legal advice and intervention.

Just from these few posts, it's clear your ex lies compulsively, threatens you, abuses you, gaslights you, physically abuses you if he gets an opportunity, and can't control his temper. Oh, and shamelessly calls police just to manipulate you.

I wouldn't want any 2 year old child near this individual. He ought to be begging the courts for access, and preferably not getting it: again, legal guidance is the best next step.

I just want DS to come first, and for us to be honest with each other... I'm sure you will do this, but there is no chance your ex will.

Sorry you are having to go through this with your lovely, precious DS. :(

Thanks everyone

xales yes I think I'm going to call the police tomorrow and see if they can send me something. It's just such a ridiculous lie! But weirdly I think he somehow believes it.

He is due to have him on Thursday morning. I think I'm going to text him to say lets meet in the carpark of a nearby softplay just for this week. Then I can go to my solicitor appt and take it from there.

I have so many concerns about DS spending a lot of time around him. But nothing I can prove so I think the key is going to be to keep going with the contact and just keep a diary of everything. Obviously I hope it all goes well but I just can't see it.

It all seems to be about winning against me and having control rather than what's best for DS. I wonder if if I just smile and go along with everything he will eventually start being even more unreliable.

Love the coffee shop idea!! Sounds perfect.

If you have some where to be hell even just in general tell him the time you want him to collect 30 minutes earlier than needed so that he doesn't mess with vital appointments.

That's a good idea. Thanks Xales

It's just all so sad. This isn't what you dream of when you decide to have a baby together. I just feel sad for my little boy.