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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't love him enough to be married anymore. I am a selfish bitch?

56 replies

OhMyGlob · 23/02/2013 18:56

I have just told DH that I can't do it anymore and I want to split for good.

He doesn't understand and thinks I'm a selfish bitch and says that he hates me so much now. I'm being selfish for not wanting to stay together to make him and the children happy.

I have tried, so hard over the last year to forget how I feel. I even went to counselling.

I can't make this easier can I?

OP posts:
HecateWhoopass · 23/02/2013 19:09

Does he feel your happiness doesn't matter? That you must sacrifice your happiness because his matters more? Or that the children will be happy with a mum who is miserable?

you are just going to have to find a way to be ok with him hating you right now.

If you have tried and tried and it just isn't working, there comes a point when you have to say look, enough.

Your children will be ok. Don't let him use them like this. As a stick to beat you with. I am sure you are not leaving on a whim because he left the loo seat up this morning!

cronullansw · 23/02/2013 20:29

Don't worry about it, if he's not completely fulfilling all of your needs, including emotionally, then you have every right to LTB.

Don't worry about the kids, or him, you just put yourself first. Don't bother addressing the issues that are making you unhappy, and don't worry about the kids having two homes, and being wrenched from their loving father each week, assuming you let the bastard get any access of course. Because kids from broken homes never have any problems adapting, and you have to put yourself first girl. You rock!

Or...... maybe, just maybe, I'm being a little sarcastic.

VBisme · 23/02/2013 20:37

So you've just fallen out of love? No-one else involved?

Do you think this is the right thing for you and your children?

I am with a man who has children from his previous relationship and it is tearing them all apart that they only see each other 50% of the time, their mum now feels exactly the same (hates not being with the kids all the time) - but it's too late, she threw him out because she "didn't love him enough".

Be very careful that you are happy with the situation you are about to create, your kids may well have another woman in their life in the future, are you okay with that?

FeelingSurprisinglyCalm · 23/02/2013 20:38

Ouch Cronullansw, as someone who us going through separation from my oh (not my choice) and is very concerned about the dc, your post stung. I know it wasn't directed at me, but it still stung.

OhMyGlob, do you feel that the problems between you and your h are beyond repair?

MimikosPanda · 23/02/2013 20:40

Gosh, thats to the point cron !

izzyizin · 23/02/2013 20:40

I have tried, so hard over the last year to forget how I feel

Why have you being trying to forget how you feel for the past year? Did something happen prior to that which you've difficult to come to terms with?

MimikosPanda · 23/02/2013 20:41

How old are the DC?

Lucyellensmum95 · 23/02/2013 20:44

Well you have just rejected him, i imagine he is feeling pretty hurt just now and lashing out. What is the backstory? Because right now it looks like you have had an affair in the past year?

Chubfuddler · 23/02/2013 20:47

I've seen lots of your posts on relationships threads cron and I can only conclude you must be a man who is very bitter that his housekeeper wife left him.

You have no idea what the op may or may not have had to put up with.

HappyJustToBe · 23/02/2013 20:53

cronullansw you have no idea what situation the OP is in. What an unnecessarily hurtful reply.

Lucyellensmum95 · 23/02/2013 20:57

WEll no, we dont have any idea what the OP has been through, she doesn't say - it reads like she has fallen for someone else.

As a WOMAN who has some issues with her relationship i often feel i cannot post in relationships for support because the stock reply will be LTB i sort of see where cron is coming from.

I mean, what is wrong with working at relationships? I could list a whole ream of stuff that would have you baying for my DPs blood but if i was totally honest I could list a whole lot of stuff that I need to work on too. Its a shame really because it never used to be like this - i used to get lots of advice years ago when i was having issues and the responses were measured but now i don't bother because i worry that the posts would be biased towards the LTB brigade and i happen to think that a happy family home is worth fighting for.

TheOriginalLadyFT · 23/02/2013 20:58

cronullansw you have no idea what situation the OP is in. What an unnecessarily hurtful reply.

This

Don't bring your own anger and bitterness to bear on someone else's situation

Chubfuddler · 23/02/2013 20:59

It doesn't read in the least that she has fallen for someone else. Other than saying she can't repress how she has felt for the last year (she doesn't say about what) there's no indication what the problem is.

pictish · 23/02/2013 21:00

Can you tell us a little more OP?

Lucyellensmum95 · 23/02/2013 21:10

It is how it read to me - but i did point out myself that the OP doesn't give enuogh information and what information she does give makes me feel a bit sorry for her DH. I tend to side with the OPs but i speak as i find and that is how i read it. If its different then my apologies.

See, i read crons post as a post against the LTB brigade who will scream LTB if someone forgets to put the bins out

Chubfuddler · 23/02/2013 21:13

No one ever says LTB if someone forgets to put out the bin. Except as a very obvious joke.

Sometimes an uncomfortable mirror is held up to our relationships by MN threads.

pictish · 23/02/2013 21:49

No one ever cries LTB for forgetting to put the bins out.

Apocalypto · 23/02/2013 22:31

@ OMG

So when you got married, and you said all that stuff about for better or for worse, did you mean that or was it all just bullshit?

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 23/02/2013 22:41

OP you really haven't said enough about why things have gone wrong for people to be able to help you.

TBH from what you've posted alone, I'm with Cron but I'm supposing there's much more to it than that.

TheSilveryPussycat · 23/02/2013 22:54

'I have tried, so hard, to forget how I feel'

OP, what feeling was that? In my case I was miserable in my marriage, but thought I was depressed. I thought if our situation got better - more money, jobs, whatever - things would improved. So I kept trying to forget I was depressed, because I thought that was causing the problems in my marriage.

Long ago, I could have written the same words 'I have tried, so hard, to forget how I feel' about a manic infatuated affair, of which I am ashamed, and yet which took 2 years to get over, even though at the time I still loved my H and remained with him for 20 years more.

So what was the feeling you were trying to forget?

AScorpionPitForMimes · 23/02/2013 23:03

There isn't enough information in the OP for anyone to make a judgement. If things have happened, then there may be real reasons for the OP wanting to end things. On the other hand, a lot of people go into relationships thinking the hormone-infused rose-tinted glasses will last forever, and when they don't, the disappointment sets in. Only the OP can make this call.

FWIW - I have been with my DH for almost 20 years, now, will have been married 15 in April. There have been bad times, we have talked about divorce and been serious. Our relationship has changed - his job, my job, the DDs, the loss of both his parents in the space of 4 years. We are now in a better place than we have been for a long time, but it has taken hard work, tears and a lot of painful honesty to get there. Not all relationships can work out that way, and sometimes it is better to split up.

OP, only you can decide how you feel. Is your DH still your best friend? Can you see your life without him? How will things work out with your DCs? Think about all these questions and make your decisions with honesty and unselfishness, and then it will be for the best.

TheSilveryPussycat · 23/02/2013 23:06

Scorpion you sound like you found a good bloke - above all, one who was prepared to keep communicating honestly :)

AScorpionPitForMimes · 23/02/2013 23:11

True, pussycat - but it did take both of us. I think it's because DH is one of 3 sons, and MIL was not prepared to be a doormat for all the men in the house that he has turned out the way he has. I'm very lucky. I think if your other half isn't your best friend - in addition to everything else - it becomes very difficult to keep loving each other when life throws shit at you...

Wewereherefirst · 23/02/2013 23:12

How do you feel? Why are you hiding your feelings?

whattodonow1 · 23/02/2013 23:15

I feel the same, I don't know I love my husband anymore. I'm not a selfish person and I'm presently with him for the kids having a better life but don't if i will be able to do it for x amount of years it will take till they grow up. I've tried speaking to my husband. He has depression which he denies that has taken toll on our relationship and I sometimes feel this has made me in turn depressed. He is not my best friend he isn't even really a friend anymore. He is never there for me when I need him. For the last few years I've looked at estate agents trying to add up if I can afford to get my own place. OP I don't think you are being selfish leaving. My circumstances are such that my kids have a lovely life with us as a couple on a material basis and they wouldn't have that if I was alone. Also my husband is a shit husband but good dad which also makes me feel terribly guilty.

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