Be gentle!

[janetbb]

Ok. I am quite a shy person in real life. I am happily married (I think) and would never dream of cheating, nor DH with me. When DH was working in London we began chatting via webcam, and things got a little heated at times. We both found it interesting and exciting - almost like we were 'dating' again, and it freshened us up.

One thing led to another and DH suggested we visit certain chatrooms using webcam. I was cautious at first, but eventually I gave it a try and found it a real eye-opener - watching and being watched.

I would never contemplate an affair or meeting someone in the real world, but I have found this 'other' life so exciting, and almost addictive, 'chatting' to people I would never have imagined, like men in their early 30s (I'm 41) and some really lovely, good-looking guys.

In fact, I think I'm more 'into' it that DH though he knows everything and is perfectly happy for me to chat.

Is it wrong? I'm feeling a bit muddled about the whole thing.

'Wrong' can only be determined by your own morality. Feeling muddled suggests this is something at odds with your normal behaviour, you're not 100% comfortable with the way you feel.... and I think you should listen to yourself if you have doubts. Using chatrooms together with your DH as a way to spice up your sex-life might be fun but, should you find you're getting more excitement from the 'chatting' than you are from your actual relationship, or if you find you're being secretive about your habits, that's when things can go awry. You seem very anxious, for example, to stress that you'd 'never dream of cheating' .... but it's clearly on your mind.

Maybe give yourself a fortnight break from the on-line stuff and try to make your RL relationship more rewarding?

I suppose it might work in some relationships and I'm all for spicing things up, but involving other people sounds very much like playing with fire to me.

Why could you not just keep it to the pair of you?

Why involve 3rd parties?

Does your H also chat to others?

What if either of you want to go further and meet another/have seed with others?

You need to sit and make it clear where the boundaries are before going through them.

I think you were right when you used the word 'addictive'. That kind of affirmation is addictive but you know it's not real.

I would go cold turkey and focus on doing nice things together and making each other feel good.

Whatever you do, don't go on the sites when your husband isn't there. It wouldn't be long before you weren't mentioning it to him.

Yes, maybe you're right to try 'cold turkey' and / or also ground rules to never doing it alone. I don't hide anything from him, but some days I do feel completely over the top.

It's like I'm exploring a decadent side of myself that I didn't know existing, and really liking it, but also really being frightened by it.

Also, I'm not very experienced, and never realised men came in so many varities!

Have you thought about swinging? At least you will be meeting other couples.

The problem with doing things for men online is that you literally don't know them and shouldn't trust them. They can be filming you and putting you on YouTube, they may recognise you (just think how that would pan out) and they will certainly use words like 'slut' to describe you.

Those men online are lovely to you because you're going to get your kit off for them, aren't they? If they sat next to you in a pub, in all likelihood they really wouldn't have any interest in you.

Perhaps think about why you need this affirmation. Did you feel unattractive as a child? Do you feel your friends are less attractive than you? Why don't you feel you get this affirmation from your own husband?

Yes, I have thought of swinging, and the fantasy is an incredible turn-on, but I think I'd be completely terrified of the reality. I'd be especially worried it might destabilise our marriage, and somehow the online stuff feels like a safe, less risky version.

I find it very hard to know what's normal and what's abnormal any more. Like I say, the whole internet thing has been a real eye opener, and I haven't just chatted with men, so I don't think I'm the only woman.

I did think of the 'being filmed' angle, and ...ahem ... have worn a diamante molded mask.

I am not sure why I want it. 'Need' is too strong a word, but I certainly find it hugely compelling. Maybe it's something to do with reaching 40, and certainly it seems to be the slightly younger men I have gravitated towards.

I don't think you'd be the only sexually repressed person that found excitement in on-line exhibitionism. It's another form of pornography and it's pretty well documented the damage an over-reliance on that can do to a RL sexual partnership. If they are not participating in the same journey you can find that they start to represent your boring old sex-life and the new thrills are more appealing. Also, it's very easy for resentment and insecurity to creep in... even when someone has initially said they are OK with it. You grow apart in other words.

It must be difficult for your husband that you are turned on by younger men. How would you feel if he said he loved looking at much slimmer women, or women with different colouring to you?

This could easily go badly, couldn't it?

I think you need a chat with SolidGoldBrass, tbh.

I honestly don't think I'd mind, but I might be deluding myself!