I don't know why this has upset me, but it has. Bit long.

[akaWisey]

Have updated my NN since first posting two years ago. Can't link to first thread as it was deleted for privacy reasons.

But basically I was married for 20 years to a man (aka PTM - purple trouser man by our DD).

He had an EA with a colleague which was never resolved by couples therapy because he lied all through it and was still embroiled. He then went on to have a full blown affair with an old flame and they are still together.

I divorced him, found a strength through MN and RL friends which I didn't know i had and since then got a better job, sold the family home, DD has gone away to a 6th form college (manipulated by her DF to get her away from me) and we have settled the finances after many shenanigans on his part. I have gone no contact since the day we split and but for a few occasions when I've had to see him (in failed mediation which MNers really helped me with) and other unavoidable times.

My mum died this time last year. PTM's dad died a couple of weeks ago. DD went to the funeral (the first contact she's had with his family in two years - they never even phoned her when her DF left.

DD and me hardly ever discuss her DF - she thinks he's a knob but she sees him occasionally. But last night she said "I'm glad you are split from PTM, he's still involved with ***". Apparently whilst at the ex IL's her DF got a series of texts and DD picked up his phone. They were from EA woman and DD said it's clear he's still in an EA despite being with OW now.

I think she told me because I have just ended a relationship which wasn't working and she is worried that I'll feel drawn backwards to PTM. She didn't say that but that's what I think - she's very protective of me.

So given this piece of unsurprising information why did I wake at 5am this morning and sob my bloody heart out?

When FFS will I EVER get over what has happened and just laugh it off and feel pleased that i don't have to live with such betrayal ever again?

It sounds to me like your doing really well,getting over it. It's hard to say goodbye to a long relationship like that. Maybe you were upset over what could of been and not what your missing out on? Because your not missing out on anhingas but heart ache

I think on some level perhaps you are upset at finding out that he really IS a knob, that he's not changed, he really is that sad pathetic cheat.

It's reminded you of the hurt and shock you went through, and perhaps knowing the OW may have that pain to come. Regardless of your feelings towards her, you know the pain that lies there.

After so long of isolating and protecting yourself from his poison, being reminded of his infidelity has poked feelings you have buried.

There's nothing wrong with that, you got a bit sucked back in, shows you're human.

Try to rationalise it, take deep breaths and see if you can ask your inner self what ecactly you are thinking.

This will pass. You're free of him now. He's not happy, he never will be, nor will anyone who lives with/around him.

The death of hope that a person may redeem themselves somehow is the most upsetting thing there is.

Perhaps when the shock has died down you will be able to permit yourself a wry smile that OW won herself a cheat who will never change his colours. Bless your DD, her heart is in the right place even if what she said caused short-term pain. You have great children.

Well done on ditching that bloke; I just wonder what took you so long. Personally I'd have dumped him on the first date, when he decided he knew better than you what dessert you wanted - but then I'm a prickly old thing, destined to be alone from now on and liking it .

What are we like? It sounds like this news from DD has honed right in on a wound that hadn't quite healed and needs to be exposed to the air.

I've found that post decree absolute I'm having yet another wobble about all of the lies. Every time a significant event happens it just seems to dredge stuff up again and combined with your recent split, the funeral and, I imagine, your worries around DD meeting PTM's family given the lack of contact there must be a lot going on chez Wisey.

So last night I went back to my early way of dealing with shite and wrote a letter to Twunt (a never-to-be-sent letter) and it tailed off into senseless drivel when I got to the bits that are currently bugging me and that put a lot into perspective because I'm beginning to think that in my endless quest for satisfying answers I've turned some facts/concerns into mountains when they're not even molehills.

Maybe writing a never-to-be-sent letter to PTM and/or ex-beau will help you figure out if there are mountains or molehills at play?

I'm sorry, I don't have much experience to draw on, I just wanted to reach out and give you a virtual hug. The information you found out from DD probably brought back a whole lot of hurt you have inside you. It is ok to cry you know, even when you don't exactly know why. You do sound strong though. I hope things keep looking up for you x

Annie you may be a prickly old thing but there's nowt wrong with your memory!!!!!!!

You are all right, I know that. Yes he's a knob, yes he's someone else's knob now. And yes, I'd be lying if I said I'm at the stage where, if I find out even ONE of these women have LTB, I would feel sorry for him - because I sincerely believe karma exists.

Hissy that is exactly it, the death of hope. And now my DD knows it and found it out for herself. It did bring it back, and at a time where the memories of the lead up to discovery are all there because it's nearly 2 years ago.

Annie it was fine til BF moved in. Then I realised I'd got the exact opposite of the one I'd divorced and I couldn't BREATHE. So off he jolly well had to go and I'm all the better for it.

B&A I've written many, many unsent letters to PTM. But I've now got to the stage where I begin to write and I know that there isn't anything I want to say, there are no words left. So maybe that's because all that's left are the dregs.

Anyway I went on a book-buying spree and I have 3 novels to read. I shall light a fire, settle down on the couch with a and immerse myself in other people's fictional lives.

Thank you.

Wise advice above.

Do you think it also might be an expression of the grief you are undoubtedly still feeling for the loss of your mum?

When my DF died I didnt grieve a huge amount. However shortly after DF's death a character in a well known radio soap opera (about farming folk) died. I was incredibly cut up about this. I realised afterwards that I had focussed my grief about my DF's death onto this character as it was cleaner and simpler than grieving for DF. Grief is an odd thing and can catch you out in all sorts of ways.

Yes I do think I am still grieving for my mum. When she died I was still trying to get ex to agree a settlement, I knew I'd have to sell our house, my DD had just left home. It was very hard and I think I focussed on the practical stuff.

I wish she was here. Somehow hearing what a knob my ex is would feel better coming from her than from DD .

It sounds like you've had a hell of time - I'm sorry. I'd imagine the 5am sobbing was less to do with PTM and way more to do with feeling overwhelmed by your bereavement, the end of your relationship, the just having to cope with so much for so long. News of the ex was just the tipping point.

Your relationship with your DD sounds great - you should be very proud of that.