DH won't leave and I can't afford to

[fatfingers]

I have told dh I want a separation. He doesn't agree. He won't move out and at the moment (mainly due to credit card debt) my salary won't stretch to renting a place on my own with the dcs although I am waiting to start a new job in next few months so that will change.

We are living together but haven't spoken for a week. Is this what people do until they can afford to leave? I don't know what to do in this interim while I save up to move out really. I am scared I will soften and he will convince me everything will be ok like I have always done before

Has anyone been in this situation and what is the best way to manage it?

I would seek legal advice asap as such a living situation could well become quickly intolerable over time. It will not do your children any favours either and makes them confused.

I take it as read you are doing no chores for him at all e.g cooking, washing, ironing.

Some men use their refusal to move out as yet another stick to beat their victims with. This is about power and control. Also he is stopping you from moving forward.

Well this is part of the reason I want to leave tbh. He believes his views automatically override mine. He doesn't want to separate so we WON'T be separating as far as he is concerned.

We are both still doing the usual chores atm so I am washing and he is cooking - I suppose this makes him think I'm not serious. I know I need to speak to him about separating our lives as that will put us in a better position when the time comes to go our own ways.

I am contemplating going to counselling because I am just so angry I can't speak to him. I lay in bed crying last night, thinking about all the times he has put me down and made me feel I'm not good enough. Yet I feel so guilty that I will be upsetting the dcs by taking them away from him - they get upset if he's at work and they don't see him for 24 hours.

I was in this situation. Dh and I decided to separate in September. He moved out two weeks ago. Living together during this period was draining, really draining. Dh did eventually agree to move but there were long periods in which I thought it would go on forever as he was saying I'd have to take him to court.

I was in the stronger financial position in terms of premarital assets but I've had to concede loads.

I feel for you

I am sorry this is difficult for you OP. There are many practicalities to look at before making any plans. Do you rent your house / own it? Is it an active credit card or paying it off permanently not to use in future? Have you checked what you would be entitled to if you left?
The DC's will be just fine. You are not taking them away never to be seen again, they will have plenty of time with both of you. Don't fall for the classic 'you can go but I'll get custody of the kids' line either. It's standard issue.

Sorry to hear that you were in the same situation Discretion but glad he finally agreed to move. I sometimes feel like I'm the only one whose husband just won't leave!

Delilah - we own the house, joint mortgage. The cc is old debt we are paying off - we're not still spending on it. I have been on entitled to to see what I could claim and I have crunched the numbers to see whether I could support us on my wage + top ups and the debts mean I couldn't. We really need to sell the house to pay off everything and split the rest but I know that would be a battle because he won't even agree to separate, let alone sell the house.

He has tried the I'll get custody of the kids in the past but given that he's never changed a nappy, never got up in the night with them, never puts them to bed at night or gets up with them in the morning or indeed does any of the mundane, hard work that goes with raising dcs, he got told to fuck off because no court in the land would ever grant that.

fatfingers - I was in your position a few years ago - my ex did sort of accept that we were separating (though he would get drunk and start on the 'I can't understand why we can't work things out, what I've ever done that's so awful etc etc' even though I'd told him quite clearly!) and I was lucky that we had a spare bedroom so I moved in there.

But we had to finish off some DIY before we could put our place on the market so had to live through building work etc and it meant we were together for a year after I'd told him I wanted out. It was the longest year of my life!

He was quite money minded though and wanted money out of the property and we couldn't afford for either one of us to live there on our own so that was his inspiration to agree to sort it out and sell it. You do realise that your H will have to pay you maintenance so you will have more to live on than what you worked out on entitled to?

I would go and see a solicitor asap if I were you. If you're entitled to legal aid do it sharpish before they change the rules otherwise you won't get any - I think if you see them before the end of March you will be ok but don't quote me on that.

It might be worth your while to go and see Relate on your own - they will help with working out the hows of leaving, IYSWIM. And just getting some legal advice - so being able to tell your H you have done - might make him realise this is something that's actually happening whether he likes it or not.

Oh, and yes to the counselling, very useful for you to get through this. I started going when I was in the middle of it and did find it helpful.

You do need to get legal advice. When you've got a hostile partner that is going to be obstructive then you need to have professional advice on the options in front of you regarding accommodation, maintenance, access, property and so forth. You do not need his permission to divorce.

I am in the same situation. I had counselling and CBT. My Doctors were very understanding and supportive as the situation caused me so much distress.

It was not helped by the fact that I was scared to death of him and he held all the cards in a very complicated situation.

Eventually after several visits to the CAB and talking to Womens Aid and finally finding (third try) a solicitor who grasped my situation I am currently going through a divorce. We still live together (hence my MN name as I keep out of his way as much as I can :)) and it has been hard but I am eventually getting there.

Dont give up. Go and get legal advice, get all the help you can.

Yes it might be worth contacting Womens Aid for advice and for details of a solicitor who specialises in abuse.

I am in a similar position to you and really feel for you as it can be very difficult at times.

Financial side, you must get legal help. One thing to bear in mind is that the government are stopping legal aid in April for some family matters and divorce/separation where there is no physical violence is one area.

Also get an idea on what benefits you will receive and maintenance payments.

Counselling is a must in my view. It really does help and if your anything like me, my brain is Swiss cheese most of the time! It helps put things in order in your head, so at least you can think straight! It has also helped me to see that divorcing is the right thing to do and I have been given the tools and confidence to allow his bullying wash over me.

In the end I am the one that has to move out, but I think this is a good thing as it will be my place and not his and will not have the associated memories.

We have a joint mortgage and will have to sell the house as neither of us can really afford it. (Well he could, but is up to his ears in debt that I didn't know about!)

He refuses to pay maintenance (as he sees it he is paying me and not to help look after dd) and sell the house, so court is my only route.

Like you, I hoped he would leave, but it has not worked out that way!

Stay strong, get legal and emotional help.

OP, what a horrible situation .
But from his POV, why should he move out ?
His home. His kids too.
I hope you reach an agreement soon. Good luck.

Sorry for delay replying again. Ok. The old debt is less of a problem than you think as you can re-negotiate the amount you pay. They may grumble a bit, but in the current economic climate are usually just glad that people are paying them at all. Go to the Money Saving Expert Forums for more advice on the financial side of things, some great tips in the Old Style Money Saving threads too.

He isn't going to get the choice regarding the sale of the house. If he can't afford it, then it has to go. He doesn't have a choice regarding maintenance either, the CSA can help you with that. Don't worry about where he lives etc, he is an adult and it is his problem to sort out. The only control he is going to have is the control you give him. Take charge and start with a free half hour of legal advice.
Citizen's Advice may be able to help you too. Find out about some rental properties, and remember your council tax bill will have a 25% reduction as you will be the only adult, and ask about housing benefit / council tax benefit to see if they can top you up to make it affordable.