Almost perfect husband, thinking of leaving.

[TWinklyLittleStar]

My DH is kind, generous and trustworthy. He is fun and makes me laugh. But our sex life is crap, we've had sex 3 times this year. He never initiates and doesn't make a lot of effort during.

We've been to counselling, he attended all the sessions, engaged, did the exercises - but afterwards it was almost exactly the same.

We're supposed to have been trying for a baby for some time now but really we aren't trying at all.

Every time I pull him up on it he says I'll try harder, and nothing changes. I love him so so much but he's stealing my fertile years and I am starting to resent that. But if I leave there is no guarantee I'll meet anyone else, so I could end up just as childless but without my easygoing loving man.

Very sorry to hear. Could it be a medical problem? Is DH physically fit? Can you do some sport/running/walking together. Sex 3 times in a year would be like torque for most people!!

He isn't super fit but does go to the gym semi-regularly. He is perfectly healthy, never ill at all.

How long have you been married and was it always like this?

Has he had a check up...diabetes for example?

Married 3 years. Sex life started off amazing but has been poor for some time now.

He's not been tested for diabetes as far as I'm aware.

Have these problems started since you began trying to conceive or was there a problem before that?

I would certainly stop trying to have a baby that's for certain. You don't want to be making decisions like this with a baby to look after. It will almost certainly get worse if you get pregnant as he will then use that as an excuse.

Does he watch porn that you know of?

What was he like previous to last year, sex wise.
Does he have other things on his mind, such as financial worries, health worries about someone.

The problems have been gradually been getting worse since we got engaged four years ago, well pre-dating ttc'ing. It was subtle at first then more and more noticeable. I have asked him to stop using porn, he claims he's stopped but we both work shifts so he has plenty of opportunity for a crafty wank when I'm not in.

Money-wise, no worries at all luckily. No big family issues on his side either.

There you have it then. Big porn user. I almost said it in my first post but thought I'd give him benefit of the doubt...

Any reason to suspect there's other stuff at play here too?

There is definitely nobody else. I am certain of it.

I was more posting because I cannot work out whether I am worse off staying or going, than bang my head against a wall trying to explain the lack of sex. I am exhausted with trying to find explanations.

Wow, OP our stories are pretty much identical, even down to how long you have been married, we have a lovely lifestyle at the moment monetary wise, its just our sex life that needs serious work! We are currently at the counselling stage. It is going really well but I am definitely afraid that over the months/years to come things will slip back to their old ways (everything, not just sex). Is this what happened to you?

We have stopped TTC while we sort our lives out, but the pressure of the 'fertile years' as you say, is immense. More for me than for him as he could have children far older than I will be able to. I keep calculating in my head 'if I left now, had a year single, met someone, was with them for a few years, decided to TTC, I'd be.... Holy shit, how old???

I am interested in the porn aspect though - DH has admitted to sorting himself out (so he does have some sort of sexual feeling at least) but we've never really discussed porn. I personally think during the sex we do rarely have, he does display some characteristics of pornography... don't even know where to start with bringing it into the conversation!

Anyway, I just wanted to say I know how you are feeling, and how difficult the time pressure of wanting children can make things. Hopefully things improve for you.

PS - I am also considering whether to stay or go. Leaving seems like such an immense challenge, and leaving a lovely life with someone kind, who you love deeply, just seems wrong. I keep thinking how difficult it would be to explain to my mother But you can't stay unhappy for years on end, the unhappiness will only grow.

It's a scary place you're in, best of luck.

Go.

Fgs.

I didn't.

It does not get better.

leave him. It wont get better

thewhistler, branleuse, could you expand a little? You both seem very certain.

theCat - leaving a lovely life with someone kind, who you love deeply, just seems wrong - that's exactly it. He's gentle, affectionate, he makes me laugh, and we do have a lovely life. I hope you find some resolution.

ok without sounding patronising but have you asked him what is wrong/troubling him ? Does he want a baby ? Do you initiate it at all ? Its not always down to porn. Does he have trouble with erections ? My hubby had trouble for a couple of years getting it up and got viagra which didnt work either and he In fact told me to find someone else. It turned out he needed a quadruple heart bypass (the viagra could have killed him ) now were closer than ever

But it's not a lovely life if you're unhappy, frustrated and full of resentment.

gingeme yes I've asked him what's wrong, we've even been to counselling to try to work it out, and I initiate every time, have done for years. He has no trouble getting an erection and seems to enjoy it when it happens.

Twinks, I'm sorry to read this. I just wanted to stop by and give you an unMNetty (((hug)))

Ta frank

Wow this situation normaly occurs after 13 years of marriage not 3. Sounds like alot of pressure on both of you. How does he feel generaly about Sex/babies ?

Could be medical / other issues but sounds suspiciously like porn. 20 years ago I was a single bloke and had a stash of porn (pre-internet, so mags - not that it matters), which I'd use most days. I started seeing someone and we'd spend a couple of nights together a week. Most of these we'd have sex. I began to realise that if I'd had a porn wank within 24-36 hours it would be quite hard to perform (and, obviously, I'd be a fairly crap sexual partner).

Here's the really shitty bit. If I knew she'd be staying over on, say, Thursday then I'd find myself frustrated on Wednesday evening, resenting the fact that I couldn't have a wank. I'd be thinking (yes - this is complete fucking crap - I know), "bollocks - got to shag tomorrow so I can't wank tonight". Most of the time I would anyway. She was a smart, confident woman so the relationship didn't last long. I binned the porn (which was surprisingly hard - think dieting) and grew up a bit.

That's the big problem with heavy private porn use - it's very, very addictive and seriously screws up your ability to be a decent sexual partner. OP - what you describe sounds suspiciously like what might be called "porn fatigue".

Twinkly, I will pm you this pm.