Ex Friend

[Zaphiro]

Firstly, apologies, this is long and probably dull. N/c just in case.

I've been close to a girl a few years younger than me since childhood as our mothers were friends. We're both now mid-20s. Since being a teenager she's had mental health issues and I've been there for her through multiple suicide attempts, drug addictions and overdoses, domestic violence and an abortion. I'd normally go to pick her up, talk to her late at night on the phone, have her to stay, lend her money, take her on weekends away, and so on. She doesn't get much family support. She's fundamentally a very lovely person and I enjoy her company.

In Sept 2011 she moved to my city to start a uni course, and I barely heard from her, far less than before she moved closer (I contacted her a few times suggesting we meet up but didn't push it). I was happy for her as she seemed really stable, was in a good relationship and was clearly making lots of friends, but did miss her a bit. Then she came for a dinner party at mine, and I thought we had a good time. Later though it came back to me from multiple sources, and eventually an email from her, that I'd 'really upset her.' The reason was that at the dinner party (though in private, we were in my bedroom) I'd tried - and clearly failed - to say that she used to be a really sweet girl and it'd been sad she was so unhappy when younger, and I was glad she was now happier. She interpreted that as me saying she used to be a better person and now disliked her. That isn't true - but I'd barely saw her or heard from her in months so didn't feel like I knew her as well any more. I replied to her email saying that and heard nothing back.

Recently she's broken up with the lovely boyfriend and has been seeing our mutual friends more so I've bumped into her a couple of times. From her Facebook she seems pretty upset about the break-up and I hate to think of her being sad without support (she became close to his family). Should I try to extend another olive branch and offer my support/friendship again? Or should I not bother?

Basically, if I do try to strike up a friendship again, am I being a complete pushover who should expect nothing more than to be bitched at when things go well for her again? Or should I make allowances?

...Anyone...?

If you're thinking about her I think it's a good idea to let her know that. There's often times I've had lots going on and just assumed nobody cared, I think it would be lovely for her to know you want to support her. If she throws it back in your face it's her loss and at least you'd know you tried.

I have offered an olive branch myself on a few occasions - there's been times I've heard nothing, times its been accepted and times its been rejected but I felt better knowing I tried. There's some people I've fallen out/lost touch with who I'd love to hear from and others I'd politely decline but you'll never know what response you'll get unless you try. We all go through difficult times and it sounds like you were interpreted completely wrongly, if it were me I'd use that as a starting point and see how she responds.

Best of luck

Yes, you should. You have been a good friend and close friendships have their ups and downs. You have nothing to lose

Thanks

I guess my fear is that over those years I've had upsets and disappointments too, though nothing on her scale, and she hasn't supported me. This was a bit more understandable when she was a teenager, but she's 24 now. I wonder if she's just a very self-absorbed person - she just doesn't contemplate anyone else's feelings rather than purposely ignores them. I've always felt more like she's a sister than a friend. I guess being taken for granted is better than how I'd feel if she died or something and we hadn't made up though. I will email her.

Well I sent her a friendly, open email mentioning I'd found some photos of us as kids and asking if she'd like to see them, and she's just replied saying "sure, here's my address."

It suits her much more to have someone she can portray as being mean to her than a friend at the moment - that much is clear. Waste of time.

Not at all zap, you are being a good friend,and hopefully she will see that, maybe she just needs time after her recent breakup

Good for you for sending the email OP.

How are you feeling? Do you want to push the subject? I might be tempted to say, "I care and think about you. I never meant to hurt you, you know. I've only ever tried to b a good friend."

If things aren't going to get better i guess I would want my last say before putting it to bed. But that's just me!

I think we all have friends that seem to take more than they give... But maybe we are those friends to some?

Zaphiro I will give another perspective. I do not think from your description that you have a relationship that could be described as a reciprocal friendship. You have been in the role of rescuer or even as you say a sister or substitute parent. If she is living her life without you I would personally let sleeping dogs lie. Because of your history together it may be almost impossible for you both to refigure your relationship into a more mature friendship. Try as you might you may find you both slip back into old roles. She is coping without you and is not persuing a friendship so I wouldn't push it. Maybe in time as her life reaches a more even keel she will look to rekindle a closer friendship but right now you may be a reminder of her pain and struggle and also your strengths may trigger her vulnerabilities (such as the misunderstanding you both had at the dinner party).

If you do see each other try not to relate to her as you did in the past ("You're doing so well now" etc.) just be kind, loving and neutral. Don't parent. Maybe your relationship has had it's day and you should just accept it for what it is now and do not expect something that has never been there (reciprocity).