Hormonal or justifiably sad?

[getsomeperspective]

I had a baby a few days ago. DPs way of helping is to do all the housework, even though I would rather he helped with looking after other toddler dc and making dinner etc and leave the housework but he has issues around. This which we have addressed before and I thought were resolved. Nothing can be let go so I don't feel I can relax, no eating biscuits on the sofa because of crumbs, teacup to be washed up straight away, I am knackered and just wAnt to lie down!

Today I did baby's first bath, I told dp 20 mins beforehand as he asked to be told, called him as I got started, p didn't come to see because he was cleaning lampshades and didn't want to stop before he had done all the rooms so he missed it.

I feel like checking into a hotel with baby and dc1 to get out of the way and let him clean without us making a mess.

Am I being hormonal or would this get to anyone else?

Does he have OCD?

I think so and he has accepted that it is a problem but he has been trying really hard to relax, however I don't have the energy or patience to help him at the moment, I want him to realise how precious this time is and prioritise. Damned if I am going to gently coax him through this very 'stressful time for him' as he puts it, I really want to be the one being looked after rather than being the pillar of strength. Aware I sound hormonal and selfish :-(

I couldn't live with someone who got obsessional about cleaning and had to wash everything up instantly at any time, let alone with a newborn and more important things that needed doing.

But if he's cleaning lampshades with a newborn in the house, it does sound like he has housework/cleanliness 'issues' so just asking him to relax his standards for a while probably won't work.

You don't sound hormonal and selfish at all, it sounds like you normally have a superhuman amount of patience, which has worn away slightly because you have a new baby and a toddler. It is quite understandable and normal to want to be looked after a bit.

Stressful time for him? He's the one who sounds selfish. And he's focusing all his energies on his own unhelpfully obsessive coping mechanisms rather than pitching in with the needs of the family.

You are not selfish at all, you're knackered after giving birth!

Do you have your Mum or close relatives nearby?

I am OCD with cleaning and was up a couple of hours after my birth trying to clean my house, much to my poor mums horror. It needs to be sorted out though because you can't have a show home all the time, a lesson I've learnt the hard way through having a newborn and boisterous pre schooler. I would sit him down and have a good hard talk about it and let him know the house will most likely be untidy for quite a while til kids leave home and that it is stressing you out. Stress is crap, affects sleep and can decrease milk if you are bf. tackle it now OP and many congrats on your beautiful baby

Thanks, just wanted some kind words really, feel like we are both missing out and will never get this time back. No family nearby and would be ashamed anyway to tell anyone that the house being clean is more important to him than baby.

It's a control thing GetMe. I remember when my OCD was very severe and everything would HAVE to look perfect before anything else. Your dp needs to face up to it though. Don't be sad or take it personally, he lives you and your baby, but right now due to the normal stress and massive change in dynamics, he's coping with it (unhelpfully) by cleaning like a mad person.

You need to talk to him - he really isn't being fair on you. Yes, of course it is a stressful time for him - but it should also be a very happy time for him. And you need peace and as much calm as you can get - just tell him how it's making you feel.

Your partner is being selfish and unsupportive. He is letting his illness interfere with his life too much, as he is not able to behave appropriately with you and your children.

He almost certainly needs to see a therapist to help him sort this out, as OCD is an illness which is difficult to address by oneself. It is not just the outward symptoms.

I have OCD, and it is pretty horrendous. The cleaning (if that is your symptom) is just the 'compulsive' part. The 'obsessive' relates to the intrusive thoughts that the sufferer is trying to control. A lot of it is to do with feelings of responsibility and trying to prevent something terrible (and completely imaginary) happening, so with a cleaning compulsion, your partner could be trying to prevent 'contamination' of the house? Perhaps in his own mind he is trying keep you all safe.

Basically, your partner needs professional help to understand why he does this sort of thing, and then stop it.

Of course, none of this helps you now. I would suggest that you make sure he knows how upset you are, and how much you need his practical assistance. If he is dismissive, or keeps on about how 'stressful' he is finding things, or just keeps cleaning the bloody lampshades, you will have to accept that he is not just an OCD sufferer, he is an arse who happens to have OCD.