Dh and fb swooping

[Cuddlemedolly]

Silly question really, probably over analysing!

Dh rents houses to students. We have recently signed up students for the next uni year in a house of 3 girls and 1 boy. He has met them a few times and signed contracts etc. He said they were nice and was happy for them to rent off us.

This was a few weeks ago, but I found on his fb that he has searched for their profile pages. Now normally i suppose he would just be checking them out prior to signing them up to see if they seemed like responsible tenants. However, we signed them weeks ago and it is only now he is searching for them. He also only searched for the girls who are young and pretty and not the boy.

He may have searched for them online too, but no way of knowing!

Silly I know, but am I just being paranoid! Why is he fb spying on them?

[LittleEdie]

Night night

[Zaphiro]

Here's a few ideas for why he didn't check out the boy:

Perhaps the girls have unusual names and he couldn't remember the boy's.
Perhaps the boy has an unusual name and he couldn't spell it.
Perhaps he only met the boy briefly and couldn't remember his name.
Perhaps the boy's profile is private, and the OP got his name wrong when searching.
Perhaps he thought the boy wouldn't get up to any trouble, whereas the 'young and pretty girls' seemed more likely to.
Perhaps he happened to know the boy isn't moving in until later.
Perhaps the girls mentioned a house-warming party and the boy was going to be away.

The OP asks why he would be spying on them. Imo there are other potential reasons except that he wanted to perve on them. As I said before, if he's looking for girls to perve on it'd be pretty easy to look through their friends lists and click on anyone with a bikini profile pic.

I'm sorry that you think I'm being condescendingly ageist. If I rented a student house out I would certainly monitor it on FB if I could. I have seen enough 'X's house party' albums with pictures of vomit up the walls to think it'd be a good idea!

[perceptionreality]

I think I would be far more upset about a partner looking up specific images of women in underwear than looking at porn. That would definitely make me feel rubbish too!

The FB thing, I am not sure. Were there actually many photos of the students that he could have accessed? I doubt there are any in underwear. FB is one of those things where it's fun to spy on other people for no particular reason - so that may be innocent.

[slhilly]

I'm finding this thread quite weird. I just can't see how this level of incident could possibly warrant breaking up with a DH of 20 years. So far as I can read it, it's a suspicion of secretive looking-with-lust that might mean the DH has continued a previous pattern of similar behaviour despite such behaviour upsetting his DW.

In my time with my DP, we've each done things that we know would upset the other, sometimes openly and sometimes secretively. They've involved lust, money, the DCs, the PILs, and more besides. It's led to screaming rows from time to time, but neither of us has wanted to end the relationship over these things. They seem to me in retrospect to be more grave than what's described by the OP (e.g. hiding a financial problem of a few hundred pounds, indulging a DC against the express wishes of the other parent, not being open about arguments with DM/DF re DP, etc); but they never seemed sufficiently serious to warrant ending a fundamentally loving relationship. What they did appear to be were indications of our need to work on our relationship and our own behaviours - and acknowledge our own human frailties.

I guess neither me nor my DP would have lasted long in a relationship with many of the other posters on here! Makes me glad we found each other...

[perceptionreality]

One thing to consider though is that if you look at a profile, you appear on that person's 'people you may know' list. I am almost sure this happens. Ok, if you have a mutual friend but if it's your landlord alarm bells would ring if I didn't have email address!

[FergusSingsTheBlues]

Well, im a LL, rent to students often and ALWAYS look them up. Its a very good way to double check. Ive had my house trashed once too often, and the information is in the public domain.

[perceptionreality]

What can you find out about your house though? They must have wide open privacy settings.

[BIWI]

Fergus - but presumably you look all of them up? Not just the ones from the particular gender that you are interested in.

[Cuddlemedolly]

Thank you for all of your comments. I would just like to emphasise that no way is my dh a threat of any kind to the students.

Firstly, yes he has a bit of history in looking at soft porn and he clearly knows my feelings on this. Just because he does this (as a lot of men do) does not mean everytime he looks at a woman he is being creepy. I have never ever seen him behave in a letchy way in front of women in 20 years.

He is adamant that he checked their fb profiles to see what they were like. He is pretty sure he looked at the fb profile of the boy, but ths wasn't done via the search but via the fb page and so wouldn't show up on his activity search. He searched for 2 of the 3 girls by fb search and found the other boy and girl via there age. He said he quickly looked through their pages to double check and be nosey that they were going to be good tenants. He only did ths once and for a matter of seconds and hasn't returned to their pages since (this is true). In previous years students have actually sent friend requests to him, but he has always rejected these.

He admits it looks bad, but he didn't think of how it looked until I brought it up I.e a midde aged man looking at fb profile pictures of young women. Whereas he said he saw it as a landlord double checking the tenants and their behaviour. We get students through the university and you often have to take them on face value. If I had looked at the male students, would this make me creepy? Although I accept that men have to be more careful.

I probably wouldn't have been so upset if things hadnt been so strained lately. A new baby and him looking at soft porn, with his history of mild dishonesty has made things difficult. I am feeling vulnerable and so interpret things in the worst way possible.

Yes he was very stupid not to think of how it looked, but that does not make him a dodgy, perverted man.

He is still away from home, I honestly think he is a broken man at the moment. He thinks his marriage is in tatters, when really it isn't about the act but him not thinking to be open and honest. It's like he has no filter on to recognise what is inappropriate.

I am not excusing his behaviour, I feel very down at the moment. I miss him and he is otherwise a wonderful dh and loving father. I really don't know where to go from here.

[LittleEdie]

I feel for your DH if looking at a couple of girls on FB can leave his marriage in tatters.

[KnittedCharacter]

Sounds like it could be feasible then. Only u will know if he sounds genuine. go with ur gut instinct hun

[FergusSingsTheBlues]

No, to be honest...to be totally honest, If theres an obvious geeky type, then I dont bother. Judgy? Maybe, but I can spot the shy and retiring types a mile off (maybe the guy was an obvious geek?).

And each time I do it, I do feel as though its a bit stalky.

I honestly wouldnt be having a cow over it based purely on gender...i just think, OP, it taps into pre existing insecurities.

[Cuddlemedolly]

Edie, this isn't just about the fb searches. It is about his inability to be open and honest. It is a reoccurring theme whether it is about money, porn etc.

As I have said, if this was an isolated incident I prob wouldn't have given t too much thought. But he has history with being secretive (not just with porn) and so any unusual behaviour seems suspicious, which makes it difficult to give him the benefit of the doubt.

[Zaphiro]

Hi Cuddlemedolly, glad you're back and haven't been put off by the infighting!

You mention his inability to be open and honest. What would you like him to have done differently this time?

It sounds to me like you're utterly exhausted, hormonal, and perhaps not thinking things through clearly. You sound like you love your DH very much. Is there any way he or family could look after the children so you could have a good sleep and think about what you want?

[differentnameforthis]

There is no way on fb of seeing who has looked at your profile, nor can you see a history of people you have looked up previously. So how do you know he has looked them up?

[differentnameforthis]

Well pardon me, Op. You sure can see who has been searched for! This must be new. I apologise for my comment.

[BIWI]

Can you tell if someone has looked at your profile?

[Cuddlemedolly]

There is no way of checking if anyone has been on your profile. If you don't want people to look who are not your friends, you can easily keep your profile private.

[Cuddlemedolly]

Thanks for your input Zaphiro. In regards to him being open nd honest, he should think about how hs behaviour can be interpreted. When there are issues re trust in a relationship, that person has to be so much more aware of their behaviour and how it can be seen. I will prob never know if he was looking at the profiles in an inappropriate way, but most student photos are of groups messing about so it is unlikely he would find anything to perv at.

It's whether you take the word of someone who you know is a great dh, but shows a repeated behaviour of low level dishonesty. After having dc3, he should be making me feel loved and secure. His actions don't always show that.

He is coming round tonight. What do I say to him? Am I being led a line? Am I paranoid? Has he overstepped boundaries?

[maleview70]

The daily Mail has a soft porn page?

What on earth is that? Their readers would be outraged!

I think you are overdoing it. He has had his lesson now and if he comes back then you say " right you have seen how upset this makes me. This is your last warning. Do it again even once and you are out"

That should then bring him to his senses.

He does sound a bit pervy with the 18 year olds but the other stuff is more disrespectful to your feelings than anything else.

[BIWI]

I was more worried about people I've been checking out finding out that I've been checking them out, Cuddlemedolly!

[perceptionreality]

'There is no way of checking if anyone has been on your profile.'

That is the official line FB has to take, but I don't believe it personally. I am almost certain that if you click on a profile you then appear on the 'people you may know' list. I have experimented to see if this is the case and it appears to be.

[LittleEdie]

My ex DH got a bit giddy once when we thought some female students were moving in next door. He wouldn't check them out on FB because he is old, but if he had I'd have done the same thing I did anyway, which is snort derisively and laugh at him.

I think you're being a bit unrealistic if you think he'll never find anyone attractive again other than you. Do you really want him to be honest with you about this?

If he's only looked at them once by the way, that does seem to support his story, it's not like he's obsessing over them.

[LittleEdie]

Hmm, should have put after 'old' to show intended humour and not cause offence!

[Zaphiro]

I think you're over- egging it. You're asking him not to do anything that may or may not upset you. From the sounds of his reaction, he didn't realise this would upset you. So it's unenforceable and open to misunderstanding.

Are you asking him to never look up girls in bikinis or anyone female on Facebook? That's enforceable, but really controlling. Imagine if a woman posted saying her DP was so jealous that she wasn't allowed to use Facebook, even with no history of cheating or inappropriate messaging - there'd be a chorus of "leave the bastard," wouldn't there?