Long distance relationship

[Clavioli]

Hi, I'm a new member but I was told that this is a good place to get advice :)

A very close friend of mine has just committed to a long distance relationship with a man she met a year ago 5000 miles away. They kept in touch for a year and met again recently when she revisited relatives that stay there for the winter.

They have now fallen in love and have agreed to keep the relationship going and plan to see one another 3 or 4 times a year and move somewhere together in a year or so.

While I am thrilled that my friend has fallen in love I'm also rather concerned as she is a fragile sort who has had some bad experiences in the past and if this relationship were to break down I know that she'd be devastated. I desperately hope it works for her but I am also scared that she'll get hurt if things get difficult.

Obviously I haven't voiced my concerns to her as I have no intention of spoiling her happiness but I'm also aware that I need to be there for her for advice if she asks for it.

Does anyone have any experience with a situation like this? How easy is it to make things work and is she likely to be heading for disappointment?

Thanks you

I was in a long distance relationship some time ago when I was in a very vulnerable state (as was the other person). I moved to be with him and within 4 months I had moved back. It was upsetting, but a good learning experience, especially as to the process of falling in love and what happens when distance is thrown into the mix.

My friends probably knew in the back of their minds it wouldn't work out, they neither encouraged me to go out there, but didn't discourage me either. In the end, just the fact that they were there to listen was more than enough

Incidentally, the guy I was involved with had done this before - I was the second - he then convinced another girl to go out there for him; they've just broken up. So if he has done this before, I'd be a little more cautious to your friend. Has she mentioned anything about this?

I have been in a ldr but it was preceded by a very close 2 yr relationship before that. It was work driven and I didn't go as it was short term but kept being extended. Sadly it didn't work out, I met someone else ( and married him).

If they have a plan - who is moving where, jobs etc and living accomadation to sort I guess it will have a momentum and go quite fast. It is a risk though, and I wouldnt advise she give up her house if she has one and asks for a month off work as a sabbatical when she goes.

And of course, don't send him any money! Why do they have to wait a year? Who's benefiting from that?

It's not really a relationship at this point, more a pen pal with benefits - as they have no prior relationship history as a normal couple dating and seeing each other weekly.

I would advise to be supportive but keep she must keep going out and dating/ meeting new people as a year is a longtime for both. Anyone can say one thing and do the other.

I'm not aware that he's done it before, though I know that he promised to visit in a few months but this has been put back a couple of months already until he makes a trip here that was planned anyway. He blamed money but, personally, I'd live on beans on toast if it meant I could see somebody I love!

This is what set my alarm bells off initially, but he did send some lovely flowers on valentines day, surely not the act of someone who's not sincere?

She very much considers it a relationship and is being utterly faithful to him and she trusts him completely. They skype often and are forever texting one another, she seems so happy which is lovely. They need to wait a year for financial reasons I believe and so they don't rush things. I don't think sending money will be an issue for either party.

It's fairly easy to send someone flowers though.

Putting off a trip already in a LDR would be an amber flag for me. Not a deal-breaker necessarily but I would be on my guard.

A friend of mine was in an LDR for years. They had planned to move to the same place and it never happened. They're still 'figuring things out' but to me, it's a relationship by name only.

I must admit I am worried she will waste her life waiting for something to happen that doesn't materialise. I know that she will cling on to hope as she is utterly besotted ("I'd marry him tomorrow if he asked me")..

I'm in a long distance marriage although 600 miles is a lot less than 5000! The minimum distance we've had is 120 miles so never lived together - the dream is being near enough to see each other every weekend

For me there are a few key things:

There weren't any red flags in the relationship
We have a lot in common but unusual interests - we had spent years trying to find someone with the same interests, he won't meet another similar woman in the local pub
We Skype every night and have learnt how to argue or discuss upsetting things over Skype so they aren't stored up
I'm not being asked to move somewhere I would be unskilled and isolated
Both of us are very happy as single people as well as a couple
I was clear that there would be no children unless we were living together - and if we don't live together, there may never be children

And finally this will sound a bit weird as I love him to bits, but I think he loves me more than I love him.

You both need to make an effort (but isn't that true of all relationships?) and without Skype and easyjet I suspect it wouldn't work. I think long distance can work but would be worried that 5000 miles is too far

Don't rush things! Then to bound straight in living together! Is she going there?

She sounds very much in love but with honey dew, not bread and butter of daily life. The reality might be a bit different - farting and not getting pretty for a planned skype call:)

They're talking about going somewhere completely different together to start a new life.

Yes I think she's in love with the holiday romance though she insists there is depth from their communication via skype. I see more effort from her side though he does seem to be equally as besotted.

She's very pretty and I can see how men will promise her things but of course going through with plans is a different matter..

Are they running away from anything? Has he an ex or a secret wife he is planning to leave? Sorry, but starting a new life tends to involve a significant amount of start up cash and you say its finances keeping them apart. Don't they want to be near friends and family who can help and be part of their lives?

I might be tempted to do some digging myself on the Internet but that is over doing it. Just ask about future plans and status of, and keep her going out, not sitting in waiting for the call. Sounds like a mistress when I write that!

There's nothing in their closets, I think he just wants to leave the country he is in and she's prepared to got with him. I suspect that their respective families will give them some cash. Also, I imagine that if it comes to the crunch and he stay home, she would probably go there the way she is feeling at the moment even though financially (in terms of her living costs) it would be folly and she admits this. I honestly think they are both sincerely in love but I can see it ending in tears when their dreams cant be realised, or it will get dragged out for years and, as I said before, she will waste he life living in hope.