Sexless marriage update (porn)

[Middleager]

Hi - in November I posted about my sexless marriage. see below. Not had sex for five years and my husband was not interested because he couldn't had sex. Had tried viagra but with limited success and neither interested in using the drug. The main problem being that he was A-sexual. we stayed together with him in a separate room, co-parenting on friendly terms. Last night I found him on the laptop watching porn. Just 'normal' nasty, cheap pvc women getting shagged porn. My head is in a spin because for years I knew he wasn't interested in me or any woman. It seems I was wrong. Most people advised me to ask him to leave. I said I would but chickened out. Am I just humiliating myself even further now? I'm so weak for just not facing anything, sorry. Original long post below.

I have had to change my username for this post as I have finally plucked up the courage to post. Apologies, it's long.

I've been with my husband for 8.5 years, married for 4.5 and was friends with him a few years before we got together. We have twin girls aged six and a half.

When we got together, I realised he was impotent. I was his world (we had been friends and he had wanted to go out with me) and he went to great lengths to seek treatment - Relate, hypnotherapy and viagra. His previous g/f had finished because she wondered why he never wanted sex.

Whatever we tried, sex was uncomfortable for him (and for me - nobobdy wants somebody who isn't keen on having sex - feeling like you are forcing them) even after treatments. I came to the conclusion he was A-sexual and had never had a sexual relationship really. Whereas, I was quite experienced and liked sex. I would initiate sex and he would take viagra, with limited success. In the end, by pure 'accident' we conceived on a one off event.

After the children were born I was busy, but then I practically had to beg him for sex on the night after our wedding. that was 4.5 years ago. No sex since, no cuddling, touching intimacy. when I try to cuddle he just stays cold. no kissing hand holding.

Oh, did I mention we don't get on either? Because he thinks it is normal not to have sex, won't talk or doesn't think it odd - our situation. I have become bitter, feeling rejected. He actively encourages me to go out and said he would turn a blind eye if I met somebody. He has no interest in me, yet my needs are growing stronger every day.

He is a very good father and I hate the idea of asking him to leave, but it causes so much tension. we don't seem to get on anyway and during a fallout today, he said: "No wonder I don't fancy you."

I feel very lonely and unloved and I am dying for sex and intimacy if I am honest. I just don't know where to go from here. I have stuck it out for a few years now for the kids, but as they are only 6, not sure if I can hold it together until they are 18 without feeling sad that a large part of my life has passed without cuddles and kisses - not just that - a closeness that we do not have. I know what it is to have a close physical and emotional relationship and this isn't it. He is perfectly happy to just keep plodding on to, but it is so warped, I feel. Any advice? Thanks

PS - My excuse for him staying is that he is very useful round the house and helpful with the practical side of things with the kids, who seem to always be sick (raucous laughter). I find it hard to manage and it is for that very reason and how hurt the kids may be that we stay. Pathetic.

I could write loads, but ultimately it doesn't sound salvageable and I would have to leave. So sad though, but if you aren't even getting on, what is there to save?
Trial separation?

Your children can absorb the unhappiness, even anger, that leaps from your post. Stress can contribute to childhood illness that becomes noticeable.

Please try to figure out what exactly it is that he contributes that makes him so indispensable, and then figure out what exactly you can do to handle things on your own instead of having the constant reminder of your unmet needs in your presence on a daily and nightly basis.

Right now you are also dealing with the anger that comes from your discovery of his porn habit and no doubt a sense of betrayal, and humiliation at having been taken for a mug. GO to counselling and find out why you were able to accept the total non-meeting of your sex needs for this much time. Counselling should also help you sort out your sense that you couldn't handle life without an assistant.

Thanks - but there is nothing to salvage. It's beyond a trial separation. It's about whether I can co-habit like this now and where do I draw the line?

didn't mean to shout GO - just can't type.

It's about why do you think you need to cohabit. Not necessarily accepting that you have to.

And asking how come the line you had in your mind was allowed to be moved and moved constantly. You had to beg him for sex on your wedding night? You need to figure out why you need a brick wall to bang your head against.

Thanks Manthanxiety. Yes, I do feel the need to co-habit because I feel it makes my practical life easy but my emotional life unbearable.
You're right. I had to beg for it on my wedding night. And even then I got a half hearted attempt the following night. When I read it like that, it sounds even worse!
I think I will go to Relate alone, because right now, I feel I am the only thing stopping me from moving on x

Don't underestimate the drag that a partner like this can cause. You may find yourself coping with less stress once you have made a clear decision to cut your losses and move ahead without him, and you may then find that you have better energy for all that your life requires of you. This is hanging over you constantly and casting a shadow.

Thanks. I think I have lived like this for so long that I have forgotten life outside . x