H and I both agree marriage is over but he doesn't want to separate

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Over a year ago my H told me he didn't love me any more and as far as he was concerned our marriage was over . We'd had problems for a while but I always thought ed get through it. I suggested counselling / date nights / child free weekend away but he was ademant it was all too late for that.
Anyway a year later and our home life is a joke , very little communication, no intimacy. On new years day this year we agreed that we would separate but he doesn't want to leave our family home . He is distraught at the thought of not seeing our DS everyday, and worried he won't have anywhere to live (he has a well paid job but is on a short term contract at the moment)
I feel so numb at the moment , like I'm in limbo. He is sure he doesn't want to save out marriage yet equally sure he wants to carrion living together. After lots of mixed emotions I just want it over . If he packed a bag and left tomorrow I would be happy Andi never thughtid say that.
. I really don't want to take DS and leave as that sems very dramatic when theres no DV or anything like that but I'm not sure what else to do

Would seek legal advice asap re separation and divorce.

Some men do refuse to leave the family home so legal advice should be now sought. It can be used by such men as a last dtich attempt to cling onto power and control.

This situation is not doing your son any favours either as it is. His Dad is acting very unfairly here. This child is being taught damaing lessons on relationships particularly by his Dad. Children are very perceptive and they pick up on warring parents quite easily; you do not even have to shout for him to notice that things are really bad between the two of you.

You are also not responsible for your H not potentially having anywhere to live when he moves out. That's down to him.

Is he having an affair?

He is taking the piss - says he does not love you anymore but will not allow you to move on and make your own life.

I hope you are not doing his chores?

He needs to leave - he can still be an effective parent to his DC as a single dad.

Thanks for the replies. Attila. Yes I'm sure it's not doing my DS any favours, he's a bright 6 yr old and he's picked up on tensions. H can't seem to see past short term and says how upset DS would be if he left.
We've both been to see a legal Mediator. H went (at my request) and came back saying " well when we decide the time is right to separate then she'll help us sort out finances" . I was screaming inside "Well when is the right f'ing time? "
Madabout, The weird thng is I'm pretty sure he's not having an affair (not much unaccounted for time) , and tbh it's so far down the line I'm not sure it would make much difference .
I guess I just need to say right, by x date either you have moved out, or we have put the house on the market . The thing is can see it would be difficult for him, rented flat, single dad lifestyle etc. And actually asking him to leave what his (half) his house against his will is very tough but ultimately he can't have it all ways.

Get proper legal advice - you may be able to stay in your house until DS is 18. They will also tell you how to make him move out,

I hope you are not doing any of his cooking, laundry or shopping and that he is in the spare room (or on the sofa).

The reason why I asked about an affair is because often cheaters in similar situations (i,e suddenly does not love you any more but won't move out) are waiting for a more convenient time to leave (i.e OW may be married) or simply want both OW as well as home comforts.

Can you suggest selling the family house and buying two cheaper places? What about getting the ball rolling by ringing some Estate Agents and having your house valued?

Well boo hoo for him.

The marriage is over, at his instigation. What he wants is to have you playing housekeeper and primary carer of his child so he can start a gad about single life, keeping you in limbo and unable to move on.

I think it would be hell to have to share a house in this situation, and certainly not a good environment for your child.

Get the house valued. Work out if you can afford two cheaper houses/flats. If you can't, investigate what he can afford to rent if you stay in home. One of you has to move out. Most likely to be the parent who isn't the primary carer - I assume him.

If he won't do anything, you do the research. I think he is relying on keeping you in limbo for as long as possible as he certainly is getting the best of this particular deal.

Get yourself to a solicitor and get the ball rolling.

He needs to know there are consequences to his actions - if you say a marriage is over, you get divorced. If you are separated, the woman doesn't cook, shop, wash your clothes, do your cleaning etc. If two people end a relationship they can date other people...

Is he expecting this to stay the same for the next 20 yrs? If he won't act, you will need to start the separation for both of you.

I think you need to work out what right for you and your DS. And this isn't it.

Your giving him far to much power over your life.

Are you still cooking, cleaning and his washing for him. If you are then stop. He doesn't want to be married to you then stop doing anything for him. He a single man in his eyes but with you doing all his stuff as if you are still married.

Here is a good link with info about finances and legal stuff....
surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/separation-and-divorce-advice-and-links.html

Thank you everyone. It's quite something to see it all spelt out so clearly (its why i love MN ) .

I know he is being unreasonable, its just a case of me being strong enough to force the issue. Luckily i'm in a position to support myself and DS if i need to but i would be better if it all be sorted amicably (hollow laugh)

Thanks for the link Madabout. theres lots useful of useful info there
He does most of his own washing but i do all the cleaning, cooking and childcare (and for whoever asked upthread , i've been sleeping in the spare room for the last two years!!)

I think im going to sit him down this weekend and say that either he looks for a flat to rent (he'll say he cant afford it but i know its doable) or i'm going to start getting estate agents in to value the house ready to go on the market

It does seem to be very much on his terms. He decided that it was too late to work on the marriage, he decided that you'd continue living together, he's still in his bedroom, while you've been sidelined in the spare room and he's even dictating who'll be sorting your finances out when he decides he's ready to walk away. And the very worst thing of all is that he's attempting to justify his behaviour by claiming it would upset your DS too much if he left!

What about you and your DS and what you want? What's stopping YOU from deciding it's time to go your separate ways? It would be awful to look back in five years time and regret the time you spent being dictated to by someone who doesn't care enough to want you to be free to move on and be happy.

Does he know that there are childcare arrangements other than the old style dad gets the kids every other weekend type set-up? It's entirely understandable that he dreads not seeing your DC every day.

Why not talk about that so it's a bit more positive?

OMG Just read your post and going through exactly the same thing and it's as if I could have written this myself. I want H out asap. Working P/T and always been the main carer, I'll admit it that he's a fab dad to DD and DS but a shit husband. Power driven and controlling. Got a day off tomorrow, going to CAB and looking into a solicitor, I've photocopied all his savings books, payslips and pensions this week . You've got to put your emotions aside for later, I've done all my crying and now it's survival mode. My H is a total control freek and money obsessed and argues and belittles me. Think working family tax credit etc.. and get on the Gov.UK website and work out your possible rough estimates in benefits. I've never claimed anything but I believe that I've worked all my life and now that I need help I deserve it, so go girl. Don't give in to emotional blackmail either, men can be quite pathetic in all this when faced with reality. Good Luck!

Forgot to say solicitors usually offer half hour free advice with no obligations.

Milly I am so sorry you are going through this as well.
I have had half an hour with a solicitor which was very useful and she pointed me towards mediation You should definitly book a free appointment with one. They will set out what you are entitled to
There are so many similarities between our situations , my H is a fab dad , (in the Disney Dad mold) he will spend hours playing games , buliding lego models etc but not so good at real parenting.
Like you i am over the emotional side , i just need to be ruthless and do whats best for myself and DS.
I hope it goes well at the CAB today. Come back and let me know what they say Good luck

Good luck Milly & OP in taking back control of your lives

I think it's a case of thinking through what you want to do in terms of moving on, arranging it, and them presenting it as a fait accompli when all your ducks are in a row. That might be easier for you than dealing with his objections on a regular drip feeding basis, tbh.