First post and I’m a man , but there isn’t a dads net and I need a female point of view

[MrBear]

I?ve been together with my wife for over 15 years, and we have a boy of 11.
I love them both dearly, but about 4 years ago I got really angry during a row and threw some stuff about. Made a real mess and scared us both (our son wasn?t in at the time)

I?m not excusing my behavior, but since them I?ve never lot my temper with her (or anyone else) . Not once.
We argue (who doesn?t ) but over the last 6 months its became more visceral, she get angry if I walk away rather than get mad, or if I leave the room.

I honestly feel like ending it all on more than one occasion (I?ve been diagnosed with depression over 3 years) . the thing that stops me is the thought of the effect it would have on my wife and my boy.

We?ve had yet another row, this time over what I said at the end of a phone conversation (I maintained that what I think I said I probably did say, and she misheard it). The comment didn?t cost any money, do any harm or was in any way hurtful. I?d just reached the end of my tether as I usually apologise and tell her she?s right.

Guess I?m sick of being a doormat.

Now were into the second day of a row about how I was ?horrible? to her in the way I said what I said.

I tried to talk to her last night, but it turned into a list of 20 (I counted !) things I do wrong. When I tried to tell her how I felt she laughed.
Sorry to ramble , but I?m thinking of moving out, it would be a big financial hit and would affect her standard of living as well as our sons, and I?m still suffering with depression it would be a bit of a risk,
I?ve suggested we meet for a coffee tonight to talk about it in a public place so neither of us will raise our voices, but I don?t know what to say.

Bottom line .am I a coward for thinking about staying ? cheers

Sounds like you've both turned the relationship in to a bit of a mess! What was your comment?

Maybe you do need some time apart to gather your feelings. Sometimes when there's no break from each other arguments just go round in a vicious circle of who can score the most points, and nothing actually gets resolved.

Do you have anywhere you could stay away for a bit?

The comment was "will you text me if you want me to buy (thing)" I said I'm saying yes now, she heard I'll text you, she texted me 10 mins later and I said yes. The item was less than a tenner.

Please dont judge her harshly , as your only getting my side of things :)

I dont have anywhere to stay, I've looked at flats etc but I'm looking at a six month commitment , which sends out the wrong message.

ps thanks for the prompt reply :)

It sounds as if you are fed up of being a doormat and keeping your feelings quiet because you are scared you will get angry again. And if she can find 20 things you do wrong, I would imagine she is pretty angry also.

Sounds like bear bateing (sorry for the unintended pun).

It might be best to get some professional help, a safe place where you are both heard and then at that point it might help clarify where you go?

It sounds to me as though you are both stressed to breaking point. I know when I start pecking at little details in what dh says it's because I'm fucking annoyed with him and for whatever reason can't tackle it head on, so every little thing becomes representative of how much he pisses me off IYSWIM

and when he is unhappy he clams up, his body language and voice etc become toneless and evasive, and it drives me WILD

but of course I would NOT prefer him to lose his temper and chuck stuff!

What works best for us when we reach a stalemate like this is for one of us (and we are pretty evenly matched so it could be either of us) to say "this is ridiculous, we are both being horrible, neither of us wants this, so let's call a truce and try and have a proper talk about what's bothering us"

there are lots of men on MN btw :)

yes sounds like a perfect candidate for counselling - at least then you can both talk in a controlled environment and work out what is causing this tension.
and i have dreamed of kicking my husband out many a time but like you realise that its all to easy to end a relationship and destroy a family. so i stay with the hope that we will work things out. relationships arent meant to be easy and they definitly need work. i hope you both can put some time into fixing yours for your DS sake

Oh I thought it was going to be something way worse than that!
Me and DP get like this sometimes, where neither of us can do right for doing wrong kind of thing. What works for us is writing a little list of things we want to change in our relationship and how we think we could fix the issue, then we'll sit down with a glass of wine each and talk it out. No shouting, swearing or calling names allowed, just be adults about it. Sometimes one of us will need to make a compromise or admit when we are being unreasonable.

No worries about the prompt reply, mumsnet beats housework any day! :)

I've sort of tried that , but its always me that has to say "cmon it dosent matter". And I always feel that I have to change (not just stop chucking stuff about), and shes doesnt have to...

oh yes Elephant - or having the kids taken care of for one day during half term so you can STUDY (feels v guilty)

thanks everyone. might try the list, last night was rough, will let you know how it goes ..

To me it really doesn't sound like something you both cannot work on, you said you love your family dearly, please remember that when things are difficult and don't give up.
I think it will do you both a world of good to talk together with a good couples therapist that can put things into perspective.
Depression is not easy to deal with. Someone needs to compromise. I find that when I am "hormonal" my DH has learnt to let me "win", there is no point discussing with someone who is angry.
Same with me, I pick my moments and have now learnt to recognise when is a good moment to leave DH alone.

I know "go to counselling" is such a standard response, but honestly it's your best bet here because this is spiralling into a right pit of misunderstanding and resentment and grudge-holding, isn't it. Neither of you are covering yourselves in glory. The atmosphere for you boy must be poisonous.

I don't think it's about cowardliness. If you decide to stay but don't address any of these problems, and continue to nurse resentment at how you are treated then I wouldn't say that's "cowardly" exactly, but it isn't going to end well either! If staying together is what you both want then it should happen as a mutual decision that feels right, even if it takes a lot of hard work.

If you can't stay with friends/family for a while, could you at least try to operate some kind of truce at home while you go for some counselling together? Could you suggest this when you meet later? A decent counsellor WOULD make sure both of you put in effort, so there shouldn't be any sense that all the effort was on your part.

thanks, where would I look for a counseller ?

Oh and if she won't be calm and talk rationally then you need to stop and walk away. Tell her you will only be able to sort this when you can both be adults.

If that doesn't work then counselling would be your next step, these guys are brilliant

Relate are supposed to be good when the problem is a mutual breakdown in communication, which on the face of it sounds like what's happened here.

Also, the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy has a search of registered members Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy here. Counsellors specialise in different things, but most will do relationship work.

As you say, we're not getting her side of the story, and it may be the case that she hasn't really forgiven you for the physical incident, in which case it may be hard to make this work. I would find that very difficult.

Good luck.

You need to sit down and write your own list.
Write down what is bugging you and how it is making you FEEL!
She cannot argue with your feelings. She cannot change how you feel right now.
I've just done this and sent him an email so he can read through it and we can discuss it later.
I don't do arguing though. Never have and never will. I just always feel it's such a waste of time and energy when life is already too short.
I do like a lively debate though! Nothing wrong with that but not arguing. Solves nothing at all. 2 people shouting, trying to get their own point across and neither one listening. Total waste of time.
You need to sit down and discuss thing rationally!
Good luck.

Sorry, dunno what went wrong with my second link there. Here it is.

thanks again