Friends separating - can you remain friends with both parties?

[SenoritaViva]

We are a close knit group and are all shocked that one couple is separating. My girlfriend works for a large company and met a married man from another department under a month ago. They have both left their partners. I am very sad for them and although I'm cross with her I know she feels terrible.

I am shocked and gutted. I am very fond of her DH as I am her. I'd like to remain friends with both, is this possible or in your experience do you end up losing touch with one party?

I think a lot of it depends on your friends. If they are wanting you to take sides or pressing for info about the other then it will be incredibly difficult. But if they accept that you are friends with both then it could work out okay.

Um we've done it - in fact we went to his wedding last year, hers is next month.

However, there was no infedility in this case, so a lot less ill feeling.

It is possible, but of course it's not a one-way street. They have to want to keep in touch with you too. I know this sounds obvious but sometimes when A leaves B, B can be very hurt by your refusing to take sides, or welcoming A's new partner while B is still single and grieving for a relationship.

Two couples we know broke up after long term relationships of about 10 years. In one case they had both known that something was wrong and the relationship was dragging on for a couple of years. They broke up fairly amicably, even though he had started falling for someone else and that was the catalyst in ending it. In the other, the guy M looked around, saw his friends getting married and engaged, and decided that settling down wasn't the life for him. His girlfriend H hadn't seen it coming. Of the four people I've mentioned, the person we see least is the H. She took it very personally that we didn't try to change her ex's mind to get back with her. But having met up with him it was clear that he had done the best thing for him, and I wasn't about to change his mind. (They're both with other people now who suit them much more and she's getting married soon.) But our friendship never really recovered, although I tried everything to keep her as a friend - texts, emails, invitations for drinks etc. Although she's well over it now, there was another reason too:

With a newly single lifestyle, couple friends can fall by the wayside for professional opportunities. Your friend may throw themselves into working harder, taking jobs working away, and socialising with work friends. Same with hobbies. H did, and has a whole new life. Which is great for her, but I do miss her!

You can do your level best, but it may not always work. It's horrible to lose a friend from a breakup, but sometimes you can't change that.

It can be extremely difficult, and of course it may not be entirely your choice.

My experience of this was that it was possible to remain friend with both in the short term, and also in the long term, but there was a space in the middle where it was very hard.

In the short term when both parties were going through a traumatic split I was there for each of them - practical help, meeting up, being a listening ear. I was honest with both that I was still supporting the other one, and I was very clear about what I would / wouldn't listen to, and absolutely refused to pass any messages between them or make comments about the other person.

After a while the hurt person didn't want me around because I was still seeing the 'guilty' person and thereby (in their opinion) condoning their behaviour. And the 'guilty' person didn't want to see me as much because I wouldn't give much sympathy for her tales of woe, and our conversations therefore all became rather superficial.

Five years on and I am good friends with both of them. But whole dynamic of our group has changed, which is sad.

Thank you very much all for your advice.

Our close knit group is deeply woven, we have three holidays planned, one with only the women, one with only the men and one with all the families. I am not sure what will happen with the last one but it's not for a bit.

Sadly our children all go to the same school and so we will certainly see quite a bit of them both. i say sadly because there are children involved in both the marriage break ups.

To be honest I am concerned my friend is rushing into things with the other person, but I have no real knowledge about her marriage, although they seemed happy, she says she hasn't been for many years. Perhaps this affair is simply a catalyst in the breakdown of her marriage, or maybe this is 'it'. I don't feel anyone can truly judge someone else's marriage or relationship but I can definitely see the middle bit venus being the tricky bit. I suppose if you can get through that then you will remain long term friends.

Quite a few couples I know have split up, and I think it is quite common for them to completely change their scene & circle of friends as their old friends remind them of the finished relationship. I have lost touch with a number of friends this way; it's sad, but (often, tho not always) inevitable. Good luck on maintaining the friendships but accept that social relationships are dynamic.

I would find it hard to stay good friends with the cheating party, especially if it meant spending time with their OW/OM. However unhappy her marriage may have been (and the "I was unhappy for ages" is all part of a script), it is horrible to the partner left and the DC to go straight to a new relationship, and I would judge a friend for that.

My Ex had an a affair and all of our mutual friends, without exception, have been fully supportive of the children and I. He didn't help matters by behaving like a total arse to anyone who dared to try and talk to him about what he'd done. Even before my split, I found it very difficult to remain friends with people who cheat. Their whole moral compass is just at odds with a friendship which requires respect and trust.