Already have a DS. New partner wants his own kid. WWYD?

[targaryen24]

I've only been with my new partner for a few months but it's become more serious lately and as I've already got my DS and have a good few years of studying ahead of me I felt it best to ask his view on children.

He said he'd really like one of his own at some point but wasn't sure if it was a dealbreaker.

The thing is, the further away from the baby stage I get, the more I really don't want anymore. Without going into detail, I had very bad AND/PND, a horrific birth, my body looks wrecked, my DS has clubfoot & is still having treatment & i'm studying for my degree as i'm on benefits & would no way in hell have another I couldn't pay for, so my DS will be 7 by the time I finish & i'll spend all my 20s & 30s doing the mummy thing. (Plus mum's bear the brunt of that first year anyway, due to childcare etc).

I'm not 100% against it but I'd happily not. I've explained the above to my partner. I already care about him greatly & he & my DS get on like a house on fire but I just worry that if I stay with him, I'll end up definitely not wanting any & he'll decide it actually is a dealbreaker -cue a steaming pie of 'should've seen that coming' & a sad DS.

Should I risk it, on him saying he'd like his own child but wouldn't necessarily leave a relationship over it? Wwyd? I don't want to make a selfish choice

The crucial thing here is that you've only been together a couple of months. FAR too early to be discussing this sort of thing . Only you can decide whether to 'risk' anything, but my advice would be to do nothing for a year and then make a decision

tricky one - do you mind me asking how old you both are? true dp may want to have a child later on or may not - if he's said it's not a dealbreaker for him then it's not selfish at all to stay with him IMO

congratulations on your course, it sounds like you've been doing a great job with ds and life as a lp.

Thanks sarahshell
I'm 22 and he's 26 (my DS is 2, and was quite the surprise)

I know it's very early on but know a few people who've broken up for this exact reason years later and it just seems a waste of time and unfair on both parties so I wanted to at least know his stance on it and he mine

At 22 I really wouldn't be worrying about it , you may feel very differently at 30 ! Also please remember all pregnancies are different and your next experience may be wonderful.

I know it's VERRRRY early but that's why I want to be careful. We've not invested enough for it to be that awful if we broke up. We don't live together etc. Just hoped hearing other people's thoughts on it would help me chose whether to just go along with it on what's been said already. Is a bit of a tricky one!

(It's less the pregnancy, more the whole first year & idea of having 2, seven years apart or more due to the studying etc)

If what you're training for pays well ,it may pan out that your partner would stay home and look after the baby . The thing is at your age I would think that this could arise with whoever you meet.

I think it's good that you've discussed it already. It's far too soon to be making a decision about what you're going to do, but it's never too early to discuss these things hypothetically. You're now aware of the long-term ideals the other has, and can let your relationship develop with those things in mind. As long as you continue to discuss it, because things DO change, I wouldn't worry about it too much at the present. You may feel very differently as your DS grows and your life changes, but if you don't and your BF feels even more strongly about wanting children, it's something you can discuss sooner rather than later. After all, if he's that keen, then maybe he's the one who could be primary carer, in which case would that alter how you feel about it?

That why I discussed it with him already Dahlen I guessed he might and just wanted him to know what he was getting into. I say i'm not 100% decided because you just never know. I'm training to be a psychologist in the long run, so not a bad wage! Even the very low down stuff's ok. If he was willing to do a fair bit of that first year & me be the breadwinner for a while I'd be much more willing. I loved my DS from the off but really struggled with those first few months and the PND (I have the odd bout of depression every now and again so I know I'm likely to have it again).

I know it's very early to discuss all that but I don't see the point of walking into something blindfolded. No harm in being careful right?

(and like I said, it'd be years down the line anyway so it's not like we're making solid plans etc that would be nutty)!

I think it's good that you're having these discussions. It is sad when couples drift along together for years and then (too late) realise that they've always held very different viewpoints and have never spoken about them.

I think the important thing is not ultimately whether you do or don't decide to have another child but more importantly HOW you and dp communicate along the way, about your hopes, expectations, dreams and fears, how you learn to adjust and take account of the other person's perspective, and how you learn to negotiate when your views are polarised.

I agree

The thing is you both have time on your sides, so you don't have to be resolute on these issues. BUT, it's good that you're talking about these issues and what you both ultimately want. In your position, I would advise you to just keep communicating with each other. You may feel one way now, but feel very differently in a few years (and so may he).

Be honest with each other and don't stop talking about where you're both at. Set the standard now that you're open and honest with each other, best thing you could possibly do IMO.

Thanks Tribble
I've always thought that was important & it's vital when you're navigating your way in a relationship that involves a child & new partner. I just want to make sure he doesn't feel like I cheated him on the subject/wasn't upfront etc. Which I suppose he won't, as I've been straightforward about it. Am probably being a bit over-anxious but I'm just very aware of what a big deal it is to some people.

Really appreciate the responses. It really helps to get other perspectives on it