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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

sudden aggressive behaviour - wwyd?

25 replies

StuffezLaBouche · 21/02/2013 08:23

Usual apologies for crap phone typing. I really need some advice please!
I have a male friend who's in same profession as me. He stays at mine most weekends to have wine, watch films, etc. He is a generous guy and i do like his company on the whole. I do sometimes wish i had weekenda to myself, but hey. He's gay, so no sexual stuff going on at all.

So, last nigt some work colleagues and i had arranged to see a film then have a couple of drinks after. I've been looking forward to it for a while. Friend asks to come and i said fine. Friend turns up to meet us after film HAMMERED. Obnoxiously so. He was rude to my workmates and one poor woman's dp got a bit.lumbered with him which i feel bad about. He criticised our jobs, etc etc. It was very awkward.

Over the course of the evening he managed to lose his wallet which of course meant no taxi money. In the end a colleague and i slung.him on my.sofaand went to bed. (colleague in spare room as pre arranged.) In the night i could hear him blundering round downstairs and thigs crashong over so i went down and.he was REALLY aggressive with me, asking why that 'cunt' was in 'his' bed, etc. It was mortifying as i knew colleague was awake and must have been so uncomfortable.

What the hell do i do? I want him out my house but he will be in no fit state to drive. I have seen a truly horrible side of someone i consider a close friend and i feel angry, upset, embarrassed.

What shud i do before anyone gets up?

OP posts:
TimidLivid · 21/02/2013 08:39

Wait until everyone is up and ask him to leave and after this get distant with him. He thinks he owns you and sounds like you need some space and this has brought out his crowding of you into tangible controlling bad behaviour. People tell the truth When drunk. But bad idea to wake an agressive drunk unless u are confident u are assertive enough to get him to leave. Hope he gets out and leaves u alone

Original poster
StuffezLaBouche · 21/02/2013 08:41

He has got up and driven off. Stupid, stupid man. He will be well over the limit!

OP posts:
TimidLivid · 21/02/2013 08:44

Even call him a taxi as you hear him wake up and he can get his car later. I wish I was as assertive as my advice sounds lol I would probably let him stay untill he left himself and then avoid and call dodge but then I'm a bit of a people pleaer but if u do that u will never have peace form him and future embarrassment and what if you meet someone you fancv how will that go? Awkward dates with him waiting for u at home...

Spellcheck · 21/02/2013 08:45

Oh good, that's him out of your life, then! Easier than you thought!!! So what's the plan now?

TimidLivid · 21/02/2013 08:46

At least he has left. Hope next weekend is better

HecateWhoopass · 21/02/2013 08:48

Stupid man indeed.

I think you need to have a conversation with him about how unacceptable his behaviour was.

kalidanger · 21/02/2013 08:49

Next weekend? You sure about that??

kalidanger · 21/02/2013 08:51

I'm assertive. I would have said "Right, you awake? I'm calling you a cab. Go home and think about what a massive bitch you've been", a quarter-joking.

Stuffez! Get your weekends back!! Wtf!

TimidLivid · 21/02/2013 08:58

Make ur weekends agressive shouty man free zone, its just like having an abusive boyfriend without the sex u can drink wine and watch nice films without the leech

CartedOff · 21/02/2013 09:30

The situation sounds odd to me and I would put a stop to him staying over most weekends. What TimidLivid said: "an abusive boyfriend without the sex" is bang on the money. Some serious boundaries need to be put in place because he sounds entitled and angry and plain weird.

"His" bed? What the hell?!

You are not in a relationship with this man. No more staying over at the weekends if this is what he's like.

bringbacksideburns · 21/02/2013 09:37

Wait for him to contact you with an apology. I would be furious that he got up after all that and drove.
Sounds like there are no boundaries whatsoever in his mind now as you allow him to stay every weekend. What's yours is his etc
No excuse really for behaving like that.
And i would certainly be making it clear he will not be staying at yours any time soon over the weekend if he's expecting to.
If you want to continue with the friendship then limit this drastically and make him stay at his own place.

Original poster
StuffezLaBouche · 21/02/2013 09:48

Sorry for having 2 threads on this! Bloody phone.
There is no friendship to salvage imo. I love my little house so much and i think ive gradually been resentful about it feeling invaded so often. I am disgusted at him for driving off. Making breakfast for work mate and me now.

Timid i am a people pleaser too, but i wont be making steps to sort thos mess out.

OP posts:
Original poster
StuffezLaBouche · 21/02/2013 09:52

Its not like he forces himself here, we are both single and.enjoy the.company, but i think youre rigt about his attitude. He leaves a trail of destruction behind him and i have to clean up.
'his' bed!!! Realisinf how ludicrous it sounds.now.

OP posts:
TimidLivid · 21/02/2013 15:07

I know exactly what u mean being too nice is often my downfall

Devendra · 21/02/2013 15:39

You should call the police and report him for drink driving.

kinkyfuckery · 21/02/2013 19:50

Have you heard from him at all today?

Original poster
StuffezLaBouche · 21/02/2013 20:07

A text sent when he arrived home commanding me to leave his phone charger by the side of my house in a bag to collect tomorrow. And he's also contacted a mutual friend (or probably several) to give a totally untrue version of events.
He has several dvds and some other bits here which will accompany the charger. Feeling really down about the whole thing but i think it's given me a kick up the arse with regard to friendships and relationships. Ive been single for ages and Im not meeting new people because he.consumes all my free time. :-(

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 21/02/2013 20:10

HE is in a bad mood with YOU over this? You've had a lucky escape me thinks!!

Kione · 21/02/2013 21:58

he sounds like he had a platonic crush on you, even being gay or more so...

Kione · 21/02/2013 21:59

oh and that phase "people say the truth when drunk" is an old wifes tale... as I dont! Grin

roofio87 · 21/02/2013 22:34

I have been there when you suddenly realise that your dating life is massively on hold because you spend so much time and effort with your gay bff!! although mine is a great guy it got to the point where we needed distance because I became to comfortable just with him!!
id defo say you're better off without especially if he feels he has nothing to apologise for!!

Original poster
StuffezLaBouche · 22/02/2013 13:57

Well, he just banged on the door and asked for a bag of his stuff from upstairs. It was fairly horrible, he had really 'dead eyes' iykwim.
Cant believe ive lost a friend because he cant see he's acted terribly. Ah well. Got a tuition session in half an hour which means thirty quid in my back pocket to do something nice with.
What a WANKER though.

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 22/02/2013 14:05

He is probably still drunk so will start on the apologetic texts later.

Original poster
StuffezLaBouche · 22/02/2013 14:12

It was wednesday night when this all happened so I would hope he's not still drunk! I am a bit worried to be honest as he has got a very nasty side i saw once or twice at uni.
Why the hell were we friends?!

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 22/02/2013 15:13

Oh sorry OP, glad you are saying "were" friends anyway.

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