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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need inspirational stories from happy divorced ladies please!

59 replies

orsomethinglikethat · 20/02/2013 11:20

So it looks like its all over after 10 years and 2 dcs. We are still living together while we save some money for one of us to move out which is not much fun. I'm a sahm with not many qualifications and youngest dc is still a baby so it looks like I will be on benefits to begin with. Not exactly what I had planned but I'm trying to look on the bright side, I will be free and in control of my own life! Anyone been through this and come out the other side?

OP posts:

CallSignCharlie · 21/02/2013 16:44

Thank you Orsomething, handhold gratefully accepted :-)
I have had amazing rl support form friends and family. I feel so relieved now I've told people
You stay strong and keep posting . I'm just about to start a thread of my own as I'm really not sure where I go from here

comingintomyown · 21/02/2013 17:11

Almost divorced after xh left 3 years ago.

We were together 17 years with 2 DC

He lined up an ow but actually our marriage was over so she was irrelevant.

The first nine months were up and down emotionally and a a difficult time for me even knowing it was for the best

Once past that though yes I am sooo much happier and a contented single

Search for the thread about why I love being single which was on relationships recently for loads of positive stories

In the meantime my top 3 are

Be myself 100% no twisting myself out of shape to be what I thought he wanted
Live on an emotional even keel
Do as I please about EVERYTHING

ConfusedishSay · 21/02/2013 17:45

These are really encouraging stories....in fact a bit TOO encouraging!
I´m in a horrible place right now trying to decide what to do in a marriage that feels dead but with a hubby desperate to keep it going and an impossible financial and logistical situation for a split! Really, I should be searching out posts from MISERABLE divorcees who wished they hadn´t done it! Are there any of those around, actually??
The idea of freedom to be on my own and share custody just seems a wonderful option right now.....Good luck OP -I´m trying not to feel envious

akaWisey · 21/02/2013 18:12

My divorce came through in December. Been waiting for the absolute for 18 months whilst the finances were sorted. It was hard for a while but I grew stronger and more confidant than I've been for a long time. DD and I are closer now too.

Two weeks ago I ended a relationship which was very stressful for me. I'd learned a lot from my marriage breakdown and knew what I had to do. As Annie said upthread, ALL the men who know we have split up (despite knowing it was me who instigated it) said they were sorry - and guess what? ALL the women said "well done".

Life is so much less stressful now.

Daddelion · 21/02/2013 18:21

I'm happier apart than I was married, and so is my ex wife.
I think it's been a massively positive,life-changing experience for me. P

Is it possible to think that you'll both be happier apart, would that make it easier?

comingintomyown · 22/02/2013 08:08

I am sure there are women out there who regret leaving their husbands just as there are those who are happily married.

If my marriage had stayed as it was for the first 8 years or so them I expect I could have counted myself among the latter

My xh left but I had thought about it many times but never had the courage to do it. I didnt worry about being on my own just the whole package, house money etc but it all worked out.

Often you see written on MN that marriage is set up for the wellbeing of men and when I was married would have argued against that. Now being single for 3 years and looking into other peoples marriages and what I see on here I agree.

corblimeymadam · 22/02/2013 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Redflagcatcher · 22/02/2013 08:41

Another one here who is happily out of a marriage.
He cheated on me leading up to our wedding, I found out a few days after we had got married. We split up a year later. I never wanted to worry about what he was doing again. He tried to make it work, but it was a deal breaker for me.

Now I live with my two lovely dc's, in a gorgeous (because its mine) rented house, happy and stable, no dramas and my mental and physical health is better than its ever been. The dc's had about a year of minor ups and downs which I expected but now are content with seeing their dad regularly.

He remains a chaotic, money drain with bad dress sense and a pot belly.

I am so much better off without him and wonder what I saw in him.

People do say "sorry" when I say I'm a single mum, I reply that I'm happy actually!! It makes me so sad that our society defines people's status or happiness as higher if they are in a relationship. it doesnt make sense when so many are desperately sad and unhappy in a relationship. It's just ridiculous.

I have actually had married women come round to my house telling me they are jealous of my situation and that they want to leave their marriage but can't......

I can honestly say there is nothing I can think of that was better being in marriage (and we were happy for 10 years) than how I feel now.

comingintomyown · 22/02/2013 09:36

" He remains a chaotic, money drain with bad dress sense and a pot belly." That made me laugh !

I think I should add in the interest of balanced reporting that the first 6-9 months were full of trembling. I would be smoking in the garden at 5am with my stomach doing flips one minute and by lunchtime thanking my lucky stars he had had the courage to end it. There were many, many heartbreaking moments and firsts to deal with and it was very much a case of taking each day as it came. I was always able to be logical though and recognise that at some point this would end and that as we did need to split this was simply what would have to be gone through.

Nobody has said "sorry" to me about being single although I will sometimes get a "have you thought about dating yet ?" as if this is something that will inevitably come to me

Lovingfreedom · 22/02/2013 10:54

The clue's in the name....go forth and enjoy your freedom...sooner you can get him out of the house the better.

NicknameTaken · 22/02/2013 11:07

Another happy divorcee here! As Redflag says, the great benefit is no dramas. As it happens, my ex is still a great one for manufacturing drama, which I've moaned about on other threads, but it's still a lot less drama than I had living with him every day.

Fleecyslippers · 22/02/2013 11:08

Its hard. Its definately hard. My Ex was/is abusive and had an affair. The split is very acrimonious and he and OW are relentless. BUT I have no regrets. I AM myself again. Despite all that he told me I AM ok. I am financially secure. I have a brand new car on the drive - all.my cars previously were in his name. I have a holiday booked and I can make my own decisions and live my life as I want to.

Lovingfreedom · 22/02/2013 14:58

I'm just weighing that up Fleecyslippers .... abusive, unfaithful man vs brand new car and a holiday .... hmmm .... good for you!!!

Original poster

orsomethinglikethat · 22/02/2013 18:12

Thank you all again so much, its nice to know theres light at the end of this seemingly long tunnel

belgianbun you just described exactly how I feel atm, you can have a handhold too!

CallSignCharlie I just read your thread but didn't have anything useful to add, it sounds like you will be a million times better off once you've got this scary first step out of the way.

OP posts:

Purpleknickers · 22/02/2013 18:47

I'm happy, after 20 years with the same man and 14 years married, I thought I'd never walk or breathe again. 4 years on and I'm happier than ever and have been for the last 3 years once I got over the shock of his flit.

The future is bright... Go for it.

DiscretionAdvised · 22/02/2013 18:52

Can I join with the hand holding?
Decided to separate from DH in september. Had four months of hell living in the same house. He moved out three weeks ago.

Initially the relief has been immense not to have the constant stress of not knowing when an argument was going to erupt.

Emotionally I am on a bit of a rollercoaster with huge highs and deep lows. I'm in the early stages of a complicated romance with a colleague. He is in the process of leaving his DP (we have not ended our relationships for each other to be clear!).

I do feel deep guilt at seeing DH so unhappy. He agrees that the marriage wasn't happy but I suspect if I suggested he come home then he would be here like a shot. We have three DC's so it's hard work, they seem to be OK.

I have yet to truly find my happy single head, but it do get it occasionally. I sometimes enjoy the evenings to myself but at other times feel lonely.

DiscretionAdvised · 22/02/2013 18:56

Comingintomyown.

I am still in the 4 am smokes in the garden phase despite sleeping pills. tis hard. I desperately want to quite smoking too!

wallypops · 22/02/2013 20:00

So happy to be divorced. Been divorced now for 5 years - longer than my marriage and I it is the think guaranteed to cheer me up every day. My beautiful DDs were 2 & 3 at the time, and its been great for us all frankly.

I do not know why I thought it was shameful. It isn't. It's bloody brilliant.

Original poster

orsomethinglikethat · 23/02/2013 11:40

DiscretionAdvised of course you can join in, the more the merrier!

Stbx came home last night saying he agrees with me that we can't work through our issues, he isn't willing to change on the things that I told him are dealbreakers for me and that staying together is only going to fuck up our dcs so it looks like we finally agree on something!

Ils know now and they have been absolutely scathing about me but I knew that was coming, they seem totally unable to see him as an adult which imo is what has caused him and us major problems. He is not a bad person but he is so childish and irresponsible and they justify his behaviour and bail him out time and time again so that he never has to take responsibility for himself. I told my lovely friend yesterday and she has been wonderful as usual

First baby steps out of the way and the world is still turning

OP posts:

corblimeymadam · 23/02/2013 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MardyPants · 23/02/2013 22:46

Together 7 1/2 years, married 6 months, booted him due to his 12 month affair (ie it started before we got married = gross). Barely even remember any of it now - it seems like something out of someone else's life! - and have no idea how I managed to convince myself I was happy with a lying, cheating fuckface with a drink problem who put everyone and everything before me. Good riddance
Couldn't be happier! Bit skint like, but there's worse things!!!

typographicerrors · 23/02/2013 23:26

what a relief to find a board that has happy stories. I have begun to initiate a separation from my partner and at the moment everything feels so bleak and difficult. I will keep reading here with interest.

Original poster

orsomethinglikethat · 03/03/2013 12:08

Is anyone still around?

OP posts:

dothraki · 03/03/2013 12:36

Yy - another happily divorced. The first 18 months were very difficult. My dc's were 1 & 4. I felt like I could not breathe. I didn't want to go out socially, and he left me with a mountain of debt. Luckily I had a good job, and cleared my debts. I think staying in - at night helped me rediscover myself. When he left he blamed it all on me - and I was dumb enough to believe him. I gained so much from being alone. I realised its far worse to be in a bad marriage that to be alone. Once trust has been broken I do not believe it can be rebuilt. Good luck - I wish we'd had mumsnet then - as I'd have realised he was a twat alot quicker ! I am very happy and have a wonderful family - he is all alone and bitter and twisted.

Ikeameatballs · 03/03/2013 13:41

I really needed to read this thread. Told p 2 weeks ago that I thought we should split up, he moved out 1 week ago. I am mostly happier but still get feelings of regret at how it could have been (but wouldn't because he would always be crap with money and prioritise himself over the rest of the family).

Trying to plan things for me and the dc to look forward to this year and to remember why I wanted to split!

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