DH is bulimic- What do I do?

[pedilia]

I don't know what to do, he is in total denial and shrugs it off or changes the subject when I try and discuss it.
I am well aware that until he recognizes he has a problem it is unlikely to be resolved.
Both children are starting to notice.
Someone please help!!

how long has it been going on?
how old are your children?

((hug))

As far as I aware a number of years, certainly before we met although he hid it very well and it has got progressively worse. DS1 is 5 and DS2 is 18 months.

pedilia, I have no experience or knowledge about this but I do know it's more common in men than it used to be. I found these sites which may be of use - the second one has several links on it to support groups etc. Maybe one of them would have some advice on helping your dh to admit he has a problem.

\link{http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/articles/article.aspx?articleId=68§ionId=3808\NHS Direct}

\link{http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/bulimia.php\Bulimia support}

Sorry, that first one has defaulted to NHS Direct's Home Page - you can find it under B. I think the second link is more informative anyway.

thanks marthamoo

That's a tricky one. I've knew a bulimic girl at uni, I think she came to terms with it herself, upon finding she had ulcers from the vomiting, and also maybe some dental damage.

Does your DH go to the dentist often?

Is it made worse by stress, or weight concerns, or what? Any chance of getting him some therapy on these issues, so that the bulimia issue can get resolved as part of that?

I certainly wouldn't want your kids to grow up thinking this was normal ...

i haven't forgotten to check back.... but i'll write in more detail tomorrow...

i have a bit of experience of this kind of thing. i was anorexic (mildy i supose, luckily never went too far down the line) when i met my dh, so can talk about how he felt about the whole thing. also one of my best friends is bulimic and was in a relationship for a long time..........i kind of saw how it affected that.

sorry, very cryptic, but TIRED [yawn emoticon]

take care.

A great deal of eating disorders relate to control, especially in men (statistics support this). Does your husband feel like a competent father/husband.. also, what is his relationship with his own parents like?

My DP used to self harm, not something that is as easy to hide, the thing is - any behaviour that is destructive to one person becomes destructive to others. You can't 'confront' him because he shirks your attention, but how about discussing his behaviour one evening? Don't attack, perhaps query it.. ask him why, how, when.. Don't talk about getting help or changing as he may feel like a failure. He needs to talk to somebody, and something you may have to accept is that somebody might not be you. Men have a great deal of external pressure to always be strong and reliable. Lots of men don't handle this pressure as well as they feel they ought. This in turn makes them feel as if they are failing, which leads to all sorts of destructive behaviour.

Bulimia is dangerous and it will damage him, perhaps you could simply give him an ultimatum - his eating disorder or his kids, because the latter will miss out if their dad gradually fades away!

Sorry to be so blunt, good luck.. x

My sister -now deceased was suffered with many mental health problems and bulimia was one of them.One time she got a toothbrush stuck down her throat (making herself sick)and had to have it surgically removed.
sorry to hear about your dh,until he admits to himself that theres a problem he will refuse help.
Discuss this situation with your gp-advice.
There are clinics that deal with this and many other disorders if you are referred or can afford to pay.
One thing i will say to you is to keep trying to get him to open up and remind him that he owes it to your children not to become witness to his purges.If they grow up seeing this then they may view it as 'normal'!If dh persists in the use of laxatives or vomiting to rid himself of his purges then eventually it will impact on his health.
Sorry i cant offer much more than this but each eating disorder or mental health problem is individual.I do wish you and dh luck and hope that he can become well soon.
Let us know how he gets on.x

Pedilia,

I'm pg now and so wont throw up at the moment, but prior to becoming pg, i'd do it as and when i felt like it.. sometimes regularly and sometimes not for months. I dont know what i'll be like after the baby, as the fear of not losing weight may get ontop of me, but i'll see how it goes. Either way, I'm no where near feeling able to see a doctor or to speak to anyone who knows me about it. (apart from dh). Its too much of a taboo to really speak about, and is very embarrassing to admit to doing something so vile. I am really hoping to be able to diet like normal people post birth.

If your dh is in the position where he is not able to come to terms with it, then i really dont think giving him an ultimatum will help. If it were me, and i were given an ultimatum, it would make me even more secretive and less likely to confide in my other half. I do think there is lots you can do to help.. my dh knowns my fear is piling on weight, but that i'm also a sucker for 'bad food'...(If thats the trigger, you cant cut out bad food altogether, as he will just binge to a greater degree on food he doesnt feel he's allowed, and then feel guilty, hence the purging) My dh will go to the gym with me to get rid of some of the guilt and will eat healthy stuff if i start moaning about feeling fat, which helps. I find if i'm feeling good in myself, and feeling healthy, I dont need to eat the crap... If i'm feeling bored/fat thats when i'd be more likely to eat loads, and then feel guilty about it. Its different triggers for different people, with me its a fear of putting on weight (having lost lots on ww), but an urge to still be able to eat tasty food. With others it might be something they feel they have control of.

I'd say that if you encourage him to talk about it and not seem too shocked or judgemental, you are far more likely to get him to talk to you about what makes him feel like doing it, which in turn you might be able to help with. Dont go listening at the toilet door for tell tale signs, or watery eyes, as it'll make him more secretive.

I'm really sorry its affecting your family... it must be really frustrating for you. I found it hard to tell dh what i was doing as its such a horrid/ disgusting habit.

Hope this gives you a little bit of help as to what may be going through his head... Fingers crossed for you x

Thankyou everyone for the advice.
bumpybel- that has helped me to understand the reasons, I think for him it is putting on weight as he was very big and has lost a lot weight, of course he looks a lot better now so family and friends keep telling him how great he looks, so he is terrified of puttng on weight.

lilstarry1-His parents have both died, his Mum only last year so I think that has had an impact as well.