if you dont trust someone is it possible to love them?

[schooldays]

having a hell of a time trying to figure this one out. my dh and i have had alot of problems over the past four years. i blame him totally and utterly for all of them - which he finds unreasonable but there you go. he occasionally says that i have let him down too but when i ask him what exactly i am supposed to have done he wont say. i think he is referring to the fact that i threw him out last year but i had no choice so i dont feel at all bad about it.
anyway we are trying to rebuild and mostly he is very nice. but sometimes he can be so rude / sarcastic but in fairness 90% of the time he is fine.

so while everything is going pretty well on the surface i feel like i have a wall between us - but am happy with this as its is self preserving so he cant hurt me again. he thinks i should let him in a bit and we should be happier that he really loves me etc. He wants to know if i still love him and i dont know the answer.

i do know im not prepared to be hurt again but is fear stopping me from trying to be happy - really happy again. or once trust has been broken is it possible to love fully again???

I think trust has to be earnt back.
It sounds like he just wants you to move on without recognising that his behaviour has shifted how you feel about him.
Trust tips into things like respect and mutual kindness.
I can't respect a man who is untrustworthy and that would be a big deal for me. I might want to still love him but kindness and trust and respect are huge platforms for me for everything else - it flows from them.

But - You say he is rude and sarcastic 10% of the time as if that is a good deal. I think my affection for a man would wane if he was regularly rude or sarcastic. Most people are not so relentlessly rude.

Schooldays

You have not been happy for a long time and with good reason. You have written at considerable length about your not so dear H before now but you're still going around in circles.

And from what you have written about him as well he is clearly not fine towards you all 90% of the time either; he just wants a submissive wife and three robotic children to do his bidding for him.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here, is this really an ideal role model to be imparted to them?. They won;t thank you for staying with such a man, infact their own relationship with you could be harmed because they could turn around and ask you why you put him before them in childhood.

No trust - no relationship.

Sounds like your gut feeling is that 10% bad is not good enough for you. Focus on why its not acceptable and try to not justify it by saying that 'mostly' its alright. If 10% bad was ok you probably wouldn't notice it so much.

Oh it's possible to love them alright.

It's not possible to be happy with them though.

If trust is important to you then you will never be happy with this man. It sounds like it's important to you to trust someone and that you can never trust your dh, who refuses to take responsibility for making you feel like this, which I think is worrying. He is a fucking gaslighter and as long as he refuses to acknowledge his role in why you feel the way you do, you'll resent him and you will never be able to love him totally as love without trust is not proper love