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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to leave him, but can't afford to.

18 replies

AmericanExpress · 19/02/2013 22:56

Despite having the name of a credit card, I have very little money.

I need to leave DP. He's not physically abusive, but I need out. I also need to take young DD with me.

He has all the money, and the house is in his name, apart from my £10k share.

I'm self-employed and earn around £250 per week. DD's in Reception, so I only work school hours.

How can I afford to provide a home and everything else for me and DD on this amount of money, especially as DP would need to sell the house for me to have my £10k? :(

I'm so frustrated that I'm stuck because of money. I'm educated and have had good jobs in the past, but unfortunately didn't save-up and have spent what I did have on just general living. What do people in my position do?

By the way, I'm American but am in the UK for life. DD was born here.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmericanExpress · 19/02/2013 23:09

Bump...

OP posts:
mummytime · 19/02/2013 23:18

Is he abussive in any way? If so Women's aid can help.

If not phone around solicitors and get some legal advice (often you can have 1/2 hour of advice free). You could also go to your local CAB.

Are you married? Whatever you need to gather evidence of earnings etc. but if you are not married you have far fewer rights, it may just be claims from CSA and tax credits. CAB should be able to advise.

LittleEdie · 19/02/2013 23:20

Is your DD his?

Original poster
AmericanExpress · 19/02/2013 23:25

He's not abusive in a way that Women's Aid could help, but thanks for the suggestion.

Yes, I'll call local solicitors and CAB and see what they think.

No, we're not married. His earnings are very tricky to understand, unfortunately. I am clueless.

Yes, DD is his.

OP posts:
HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream · 19/02/2013 23:29

Is he a tiny bit financially abusive. the fact that you can't talk about splitting up makes me think he's not that reasonable, even if he's not abusive per se. If he refuses to support his dd after you split up then it might strengthen your case for returning home. if you want to.

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream · 19/02/2013 23:30

Also, the credit card is in his name, so if you leave, you leave with a debt is that right?

Original poster
AmericanExpress · 19/02/2013 23:33

The credit card is in my name and has £3k on it. :(

He is abusive financially and in many other ways, but I really can't seem to discuss it for some reason. Sorry, I don't mean to be awkward, I'm just a bit stupid sometimes.

I have friends in the UK, as does DD. There's nothing for me back home. I'd much rather stay here. I really like it here and would really not want to back to the States. I've been over here for pretty much all of my adult life.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmericanExpress · 19/02/2013 23:35

By the way, I'm not sneering about benefits. I think it's a wonderful system, but I would rather not depend on them to live and provide for DD.

OP posts:
bishboschone · 19/02/2013 23:46

You can go to citizens advice and they will explain what to do . I'm not sure of the details but a friend in the same position rented a house / flat and the council paid the rent for 6 months until she was on her feet . You can claim working tax credits while you are working . The benefit system is there for people like you who need it. As I say I don't know the details but please go to the cab and they will help you .

izzyizin · 19/02/2013 23:52

Locate your nearest Women's Aid branch here: www.womensaid.org.uk and give them a call tomorrow.

With £3000 credit debt and an income of £250 per week plus whatever sum the Child Support Agency can prise out of him towards dd's upkeep - which, if he's tricky customer is unlikely to be a great deal - you are going to have to bite the bullet and accept that you'll need housing benefit, tax credits, etc to supplement your income so that you can get by.

As for the 10 grand, it may be some considerable time if ever before you receive repayment and, depending on whereabouts in the UK you are, that sum will just about take care of a year's rent for a modest flat/small house in the private sector.

Donoghueandstevenson · 19/02/2013 23:53

That is hard. You are definitely entitled to that 10k you put in, but unless he has a spare 10k in cash or can borrow it from someone then I guess he will have to sell the house to give it to you. Have you contributed to the house in any other way, like paying the mortgage?

Piemother · 19/02/2013 23:58

You will be entitled to tax credits because you are working and a loan parent. This is not like income support etc this is money you have paid tax/ni toward. You earn too much for housing benefit iirc but you will be entitled to maintenance for your dd from you stbexp at 15% of his net income.

izzyizin · 19/02/2013 23:59

Link here: www.womensaid.org.uk

Original poster
AmericanExpress · 20/02/2013 00:01

My earnings goes into a joint account (which is nearly always overdrawn) and the mortgage is paid from that.

I really can't call Women's Aid or other authorities, although I will. I know that sentence didn't make any sense. it's a long story, but I'm scared I'll be Sectioned. It nearly happened a few months ago, although I am not threat or a danger to anyone at all and never have been. I'm not mentally ill, genuinely. I'll lose DD. it's awful.

Sorry, I have to go. Sorry, thank you everyone.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 20/02/2013 00:03

As you are not married, good luck with getting him to sell the house.

Ask Women's Aid to recommend a rottweiler solicitor who specialises in family law to advse you of your legal entitlements in respect of dd who, I assume, holds dual nationality in the UK and USA.

izzyizin · 20/02/2013 00:07

Don't be afraid, honey.

Women's Aid is not an 'authority'. It is a charity; a voluntary body run by women for women and many of those women will have had similar experiences and once held the same fears you seem to have about losing your dd.

Talk to WA tomorrow - your call will be treated in strictest confidence.

montmartre · 20/02/2013 00:07

I don;t think calling womens aid would lead to you being sectioned Sad They're there to give advice, to help, really.

Maybe CAB could help, to give you an idea of costs, help available to newly single people?

Could you look for a job that pays more than your current income (sorry, no idea what field you're in)?

LittleEdie · 20/02/2013 00:10

Is it that you feel that if you contact WA that you'll be 'in the system'? That you'll be starting a process?

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