Have NC'ed for this. It will be very long. Am just writing my thoughts down, I have been struggling recently with being able to verbalise what I mean, so apologies if it doesn't seem to make sense.
I'm 18 and live at home with my mum. My parents split up when I was 9, I still see my Dad regularly.
For a long, long time, me and my mum have argued nearly constantly. It goes in cycles where we get on for a few days, then are at each other's throats.
I don't (didn't) know why we argue- my mum says that I'm a nasty person with an attitude problem and has in the past attempted to get me a diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome. The doctor didn't think I had Aspergers, but referred me to a counsellor, I didn't really understand why, but I went once and didn't see the point of it so never went back.
I find that I'm angry a lot of the time, and I have never been able to put my finger on why. My anger is always directed at my mum, I am fine when I have arguments with my dad/sister/friends etc.
This has come to a head recently with a lot of arguments and a seemingly trivial argument meant that my mum told me to get out of the house and not come back. I couldn't get anywhere that night, but the next night I went straight from college to a friend's house. I didn't let anyone know where I was staying, and my mum tried contacting me and then ended up emailing my form tutor at midnight because she was "concerned about where I was". I honestly don't believe this was out of concern, I feel this is due to her need to control everything. She is a control freak and can't stand it if things are not done "her" way- This is a widely accepted view in our family, not just my opinion. She has since made out to lots of people that she never told me "not to come back" - she did, she's denying it, and she does it all the time, and not just with me. She denies stuff that I know she has said, and makes me feel like I'm going crazy. She also says I haven't told her things when I know 100% that have. I think this is called gaslighting?
My mum has always worked in child care and recently started fostering. Lots of arguments resulted from a recent fostering placement, as it was clearly an unsuitable placement for our family for lots of reasons and my mum placed unreasonable expectations on me (whilst I had lots of college work to do) whilst she had this placement. The child is no longer with us. She has always had a very strong "safeguarding children" ethos to the children in her care, and has on several occasions gone beyond the call of duty to report concerns/ possible risks to the children from certain people etc, to the relevant authorities. In short- she tries her utmost to ensure the children she has a professional relationship with are safeguarded.
Now obviously, this is a good thing, BUT...
About 7 years ago (I was 11) I was sexually abused by a much older friend that I had made in an unusual living situation (think commune/isolated community type thing, where people of all ages interact. I moved away from this situation before the abuse started). The abuse took place over several months. It was eventually stopped after my mum "discovered" it. The man was arrested, convicted and placed on the sex offenders register. It is difficult to describe as it was not a "typical" sexual abuse case, but it did affect me and the way I view my position in relationships with men, and I now think it affected me a lot more than I have previously realised.
I have always, over the past 7 years, vaguely wondered why the abuse was able to happen, as certain aspects of the relationship I had with this man were obviously inappropriate and were aspects that I made no secret of. They were warning signs, I suppose. An example of this is the fact that we used to text extremely often, and I was always open with people about who I was texting (I didn't see anything wrong with it at the time). Other family members voiced concerns about my relationship with this man and our frequent texting, but my mum made no attempt to stop it.
Fast forward to recently (in the last year or so) when my mum has been involved in numerous safeguarding incidents professionally. This has made my resentment of her and the fact that no one was there to protect me from the abuse I suffered grow. This has coincided with my relationship with my mum and my behaviour deteriorating. I have avoided, over the last 7 years, asking her why she didn't step in sooner when I was being abused, as I didn't want to upset her.
After I was "thrown out" by my mum the other day, I came back to talk things over with her, in the presence of my dad, about two days ago. The conversation quickly turned into an argument about numerous issues we'd been having. My mum constantly describes me as always "having a massive chip on my shoulder". She asked me again, what was my problem, she told me I have a privileged life, I'm very lucky, get everything I want etc, (this is true) so what's my big problem? After 7 years of holding in what was causing me to be so angry and resentful, I finally blurted out, "You let X abuse me." She stood up, told me I had problems and needed to see a counsellor, and walked out. I haven't spoken to her since and am currently staying at my dad's house.
My dad came into my room a minute ago to speak to me about how I am going to "sort things out with Mum". When I told him I felt that she let me down regarding the abuse, and this is doubly painful because of how attentive she is to the children in her care, I got a load of excuses such as, "well people learn from their mistakes", "hindsight is a wonderful thing" and "well we could have taken your phone away but you wouldn't have liked that". I can say that I would much rather they took my phone away from me rather than let me keep it and it be used to abuse me through!!
There was also one other situation, when I was about 15, when my mum got into a relationship with a man who was recently released from prison for drug offences (he moved in with us as soon as he was released) and I was left alone with him while she was at work. He was a lovely man and I did get on well with him, but he tried to give me drugs. I never told my mum this, but I think this is another example of where she has let me down, as he could quite easily have been sexually abusive, proving she doesn't "learn from her mistakes" as my dad told me she did. In the conversation I just had with my dad, I told him for the first time that my mum's previous partner had offered me drugs, and he said, "Oh, I didn't know that." He wasn't in the least bit shocked, or bothered, or anything.
I can't live like this anymore. I am angry and resentful towards my mum that she wasn't there to protect me like she is with the children she cares for, and I can't deal with the arguments we have. My college work is suffering and my attendance is poor- I was a straight A*/A student at GCSE, and I'm barely scraping Cs now. I have 5 university offers and I know I can get the grades, but I need to turn my life around NOW and start working if I'm going to pull it off. I'm always tired as I barely sleep, and I eat really unhealthily (though I'm not overweight). I don't feel I can make positive changes to my sleeping/eating habits/grades if I don't repair my relationship with my mum first, as this is at the root of my unhappiness. I do wonder if I'm possibly depressed- I have no motivation to do anything and I often feel surrounded by a cloud of fog- recently I can't seem to say what I mean- everytime I try and talk to someone about my problems, I either cry, or feel like I'm in the middle of a crowded room, screaming, and no one is even looking. I can't seem to make my voice heard and get people to understand how I'm feeling.
This is what I want to happen:
- I want my mum to face up to what happened to me and admit she was wrong (she will NEVER ever admit she is wrong, which is one of the things we argue about).
- I want to try and repair my relationship with my mum, I love her so much and when we get on it's fantastic. I don't want to resent her anymore.
- I think seeing a counsellor might help, but only if I sort things out with my mum as well.
- I want my Dad to stop taking my mum's side about everything and stop making excuses for her.
- I want to get good grades and go to university.
- I want to sort my life out- eating and sleeping.
- I want the fog to lift and I want to feel like "me" again- the funny, intelligent, loving person I know I am, somewhere deep down.
- I want someone, anyone, to acknowledge that the way I behave and the person I am is not ALL my fault, that I am not a nasty, vindictive bitch, but that I'm struggling.
I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, but I guess I'm just trying to order my thoughts and get some impartial advice. This is a cry for help I suppose, I can't sort this out all by myself.
I don't know what I'm asking for, but any support, or advice, or even if you just tell me to stop being a horrible bitch and pull myself together, at least then I'll know definitively that this is my fault.
I just want someone to hear me and acknowledge what I'm saying. Sorry it's so long.