Just need to talk to somebody

[VitoCorleone]

Im ruining my relationship, feels like ive hit the self destruct button.

I suffer from social anxiety disorder, ive been to the doctors today after coming off my medication 2 years ago, ive been put back on medication and referred to therapy.

I dont feel like a normal person, i really struggle in siciak situations and avoid most things. My DP on the other hand is the most outgoing person ever, and i cinstantly think he would probably prefer to be with somebody who doesnt have issues.

Im paranoid that he will leave me as soon as somebody "normal" comes along.

He reassures me that he loves me to death and wants us to get married when we have the money. But i just cant get it into my head.

Ive turned into a paranoid, jealous monster, its getting to the point where i cant stand him talking to any other woman, even our neighbours. I get into jealous rages and accuse him of wanting to leave me and of fancying every woman he talks to.

My self esteem has hit rock bottom, and im pushing him further and further away, and its only a matter of time before we finish.

Im hoping the therapy will help and the medication. But i just feel like such a shit person, im not normal and he'd be better off without me in his life. He'd be better off with somebody normal.

Well done for recognising the issue and seeing your GP. Give yourself a bit of time, remind yourself this will pass, and that HE has chosen to be with you.

You went to the Docs today. BLOODY WELL DONE for doing that! You did the right thing there. That took immense courage and guts to do, but you did it!

Things from now on will start to get better.

By the sounds of it, you have a DP that loves the very bones of you, and very probably with good reason.

Please give yourself time, trust your DP and those around you to be the support you need, until you can take back the baton and be OK with yourself.

This will pass, things will get better, YOU will get better.

[MN Hug]

Sorry for all the typos, typing on my phone and was crying at the same time, could barely see the screen

xxx
it's a tough time, but it will pass

I was nearly crying in the doctors, the doctor was so sympathetic and said he really thinks i need the therapy to help me, not just medication alone. I have to give it 24 hours and if they havent rang me to make an appointment i have to call them.

I feel threatened by every woman out there, i feel inferior. I hate myself

Once the meds kick in, you will start to feel a little less fragile and a little less panicked.

the therapy will help you, and it sounds like you have a good Dr there.

You are not threatened, you are not inferior, and others love you so you MUST be lovable.. GOT IT?

all of this is part of what you are suffering from, and you will be able to challenge this unfounded thoughts.

Keep posting, if you need hand holding, we're here!

I just want to feel like a normal person again. Instead of feeling not good enough all the time.

Because one day DP might just realise im right and leave.

Is there some dark cloud in your life that makes you feel so terrible about yourself? Past partners, family, work????

You need to remove anyone/thing negative in your life immediately.

My ex had (apparently) social anxiety.
He was also very jealous.

The two may be related to self esteem issues.

And yes, his jealousy caused issues, although it was not what drove me away in the end.
The rages were a big issue, though.

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is usually recommended in these cases.

Until you get into proper therapy maybe you can start working on yourself.
CBT relies mostly on the patient's work, so it's something you can start doing.

It's about understanding your thought processes and working through them.

Some info about it CBT
Online tools may help, such as by the Panic Centre

You can also do relaxing exercises that you can practice and apply in stressful situations.

The social anxiety has been caused by being so isolated for the last few years, i lost my job when i found out i was pregnant and once i had my son i had no social life, all my friends moved on, i live in a small town and know barely anybody. Ive just spent the last 4 years with only DP, my mum and the kids to talk to. Its like ive forgotten how to interact with people and now the thought of it makes me anxious and panicked.

Now i avoid most social situations, ive ended up back on meds and going for therapy (CBT) and i just feel that theres something wrong with me, im not normal, im a fucking weirdo who's a social outcast - and get it into my head that DP will leave me for somebody normal.

Ive just confessed (by text) all my feelings that ive written here, ive never really told him the extent of it, just that i have social anxiety and am insecure, never told him it all for fear that he must already think im weird and will want out.

He text back saying he loves me and supports me no matter what and that he doesnt want anybody else ever, and we'll get through it.

Ive been such a bitch, i dont deserve him.

Sweety, I was in a forrin hellhole for 3 years after I had DS, abusive P, country full of psychotic tossers, to begin with I wasn't allowed out, after a while I didn't want to come out.

I got back home here and realised that I had agoraphobia. It was excruciating for a while. I still have my moments, but I found Rescue Remedy helped. I think I caught it before it took a real hold.

I think you have excellent support from what is a terribly upsetting situation for you. Thank god you've gone and found some way of getting help! It'll really help to help your recovery. Your Dr has given you meds, which will help take the edge off, just enough for you to start to feel stronger. The CBT, to challenge your fears and less than constructive beliefs will help you overcome all this.

You are not a fucking weirdo, you really aren't. You're someone who, for good reason, is having a hard time atm, but you have everything lined up, so it really can get better!

Thank you Hissy, your post made me cry, ive been so emotional this evening, just over thinking things and getting myself into a right state. Then ive just gone for a bath and thought to myself "i think ive hit rock bottom, i have nowhere to go now except up" things can only get better now.

I told DP that i didnt deserve him for all the shit he's had to put up with recently from me, he told me "dont be silly, i love you so dont worry" which made me start crying again. He's so supportive. I just find it hard to comprehend that somebody could love me with all my issues, i cant even love myself right now and havent for a while.

It's natural that you'd feel wobbly after the day you've had! Your Dr was kind and sympathetic to you, you weren't expecting him to be nice, cos you don't feel that you deserve it.

But you do.

This is the first step to getting better, as you said, from here on in, it's UP!

Your DP loves you too and has said he's committed to you, and to help you in anyway.

Another one that thinks you're worth it! :)

.. Cos you ARE!

:)

Thank you :) i AM worth it, i just need to drill that into my head and start to believe it

Vito you are a brilliat poster here x

We are a lot more than our thoughts and there's no reason why we should be held prisoner by them.

Start taking charge of your thoughts by setting aside, say, half an hour each day during which time you will be 'at home' to negative thoughts and, as each one appears, spend time considering whether it has any relevance to your life at this point in time.

If it has no relevance, 'tell' the thought it's not welcome. If you believe it does, write it down for consideration in your next half hour session.

Outside of this half an hour, whenever a negatve thought pops into you head, replace it immediately with a postiive one - this can be anything that makes you feel good such an image of a beach, the sun, snowfall, a gorgeous cake, whatever floats your boat, and let that positive image lead you to more positive thoughts about things you find enjoyable.

Keep taking the meds and pushing for counselling as a matter of urgency and also give consideration to having a few sessions of hypnotherapy which will enable you to overcome specific fears about social interaction with others.

Aw thank you Sole x

And thank you Izzy, i have very much become a prisoner of my own thoughts, im skeptical about the CBT because i dont know if i really can change my thought process, its gonna take time.

Took my first pill last night and had a really bad night, struggled to sleep and kept waking up sweating, and felt like i was gonna throw up, the sickness is just starting to ease off now. Felt really out of it, one moment i was shaking and feeling weird thr next i was feeling really calm, on and off all night.

Hopefully my body will adjust soon

It will adjust.

I did CBT as a part of a treatment for severe depression back in my 30s.

Over 10 years later, when I realised that I was afraid of being outside, or with lots of people, I literally sat myself down and asked myself OUT LOUD (IIRC) what was I thinking? What did it feel like, and where was the proof that I was in the wrong by being outside, and that I'd be punished for being out.

Then I made an appointment with the Dr and tried the Rescue Remedy. Dr said to me that if I needed more help, meds etc to come back and she'd prescribe me something.

Given my previous experience with medication, I didn't necessarily want to go that route, and actually didn't have to. The thinking pattern I tapped into, plus a spray on the tongue every time I needed to go somewhere/meet people was enough to keep me going through the motions.

Had I not had my DS, and been on my own, I know full well I may have allowed myself to entrench myself to a more firmly agoraphobic position. Without a doubt, the CBT that I used on myself that day, the facing of negative thoughts and pulling them to pieces, challenging them and seeing if they had any weight to them REALLY helped.

It does take time to find that calm and control, but the meds ought to help you find that path.

Plus you know you can always come on here and ask if you are being irrational, and for one of us to boot you up the arse gently point out that you are going to be OK and that this is a Work In Progress that you really CAN get through.

Vito :) how are you feeling?

It is clear you are in the thick of anxiety andf I hope the meds soon kick in, and I'm sure the counselling will help. You should also try and get you hands on The Worry cure by Robert Learhy (not sure of surname spelling) it is fantastic and will help change the way you think. Good luck

Also to point out that you are by no means a freak. :)

We all have such thoughts and insecurities to some extent.
It's normal.
You'll just need to control them to levels that won't mess with your life or your relationships.

Fingers crossed for the medication to give you the first boost. Remember it may take a week or two.
And keep talking to DP, even if by messages.
He's on your side and communication will help him understand what's up with you and support you better.

To clarify
You are NOT by any means a freak!

Thanks all.

First 2 days on the pills where awful, i was completely on edge, jumping and shaking at the slightest noise, feeling sick, feeling really stoned one minute then jumpy and shaky the next.

Today DP got up with the kids so i could have a lie in, started feeling a bit better last night, woke up this morning and was ok, feel a bit dizzy but ok.

Havent heard from CBT people yet, so need to call them

And i have a job interview next week, havent worked for 5 years and im so nervous; but i think a job will really help me, because i will have to interact with people.

Vito you are getting on and determind to get through.

You must be starting to feel more in control. Anxiety is a waste of brain space at levels xxx I suffer a little