Abusive parent

[silenced]

If you had been physically abused (beaten repeatedly and severely) would you confront a parent even if it was many years later? I am being haunted by this after burying it for many years and my mother has re invented herself with a new family and they know nothing of what she did to me and my 2 sisters. I have cut ties with her recently and her son from her new marriage is on my case to sort things out 'for his sake' but he doesn't know the truth and says he doesn't want to! When I was 14 she beat me up so badly that I was called into the school office and they offered to support me in reporting this and getting help for me and my siblings. Within 2 weeks of that incident she moved us away and that was the end of it so nothing ever came of it. We have tried over the years to forgive her and move on but she kept up the abuse verbally and has always been emotionally absent. I am now dreaming about all these incidents and I can't get any peace

Do you want to confront her? What would you hope to get from that and what if you didn't get it?

How about getting some counselling before deciding?

Also I'd say to your brother that it's for you to decide and for him to respect that and not push you.

I agree that you have to know what you want to get out of any confrontation and what your expectations are. A woman that dodged the authorities at the time is highly unlikely to acknowledge, confess or apologise to you now. Will it be enough for you to say to her 'I know what you did?' Do you want others to know the truth?

I am not sure she did dodge the authorities. I was approached by a school staff member and she said she would support me but I needed a family member to make the complaint. I didn't want to name my grandad as he was our only sanctuary and was waiting for a cousin to return from abroad to help us but she decided to marry her then boyfriend and move us abroad with them at this time. My sister thinks it was deliberate and she had wind of the school stuff but all these years I thought it was a coincidence. I want people to know what she did really as she has painted a picture of a life that didn't exist. I want to know why she did it and I suppose an apology although all the people who have come out of the woodwork to support me and my siblings say I am wasting my time as they all tried to help us but she was a law unto herself. I was doing well just getting on with my own life but my step brother again has been saying I need to make things ok and it has all been churned up again. Her new family have no idea and although my step brother says she can be difficult her thinks we should take it for a quiet life

I had a minor disagreement with her last summer and she cut me out It was something really minimal but she didn't like me questioning her. My sisters had already cut ties with her over how she treats us but I always kept the peace and tried to 'normalise' everything but ran out of steam.

Your sister sounds very supportive and - very importantly - seems to know the truth of the situation. I'm glad you've got someone who remembers it how it was and not the myth that has been built up since. Many victims of abuse find themselves alone with their memories and facing a wall of silence. Why don't you follow your sister's lead, make a fresh start for yourself and consign your mother to the past rather than carrying on allowing her to abuse you emotionally? I think you're headed for just as much disappointment and misery if you're hoping for apologies or acknowledgement as you have by adopting the flawed 'keep the peace' approach.

Tell your brother to butt out, unless he wants to hear the truth, and that until does it is none of his business. If he wants you to sort things badly enough then he has to know what it is he is asking for, and that until he wants to listen to you he should shut the fuck up.

If you can't bear to say all that to him, then just tell him that he doesn't know what he's asking and until he does, you're not prepared to discuss it.

Sounds like he's inherited some of her bullying ways, tbh.

I'd keep well clear of her, as I think you're very unlikely to get her to admit anything ever, and you will be disappointed, hurt, and sad. Concentrate on making your life as happy as you can, and the lives of the people you love - the ones who deserve it.