Struggling to cope with DHs feelings towards pregnancy and baby?

[BlueBirdy123]

NC. Background, DH and I are very happily married, we have a lovely, healthy DS followed by 3 miscarriages, two found out at 12 week scan and one of which was at 17 weeks. I am now 26 weeks pregnant and all seems very well, happy, healthy baby which kicks and squiggles about a lot.
Because of the miscarriages and that we lost our last baby at 17weeks, last summer, DH refuses to get excited about this baby as do his family. They are very stand-off-ish if I talk about baby, DH won't discuss names etc and everyone seems to want to generally ignore it.

My DH is the most wonderful husband and father, he is loving, supportive, understanding, gentle etc but I am struggling to cope with his 'we'll just wait and see what happens' attitude. I do completely and totally understand this from his perspective, he felt so out of control when we lost the last baby and really worried about how I coped with it, then was really worried about how quickly I fell pregnant again, it really shook him. However I am struggling with his attitude as I feel completely and totally bonded to this baby, I feel him moving away inside me, I talk to him, i have my favourite names picked out, of course I am woried too and get anxious but I feel really alone in this.

DH's and my relationship is still brilliant, he just shies away from this topic. We have discussed it and he just says he can't get excited until he knows baby and I are ok, and he wants me to know it isn't because he doesn't care, it is because he cares so much he is scared of letting the barriers down. He has attended all scans and appointments, each time with tears in his eyes when he sees baby or hears the heartbeat but then puts up a protective shield which is only reinforced by his family. He also more than pulls his weight with DS, makes sure he does lots around the house so I have enuogh rest and don't overdo things etc, .

My pregnancy with DS was the complete opposite, there was rarely a moment when DH didn't have his hands on my tummy waiting for him to move, nursery was decorated, preparations made, names excitedly talked about, etc, he was so excited we have none of that now! we've done nothing at all to even thinking about preparing for this baby.
I've tried giving him space to deal with this, not hassled him or talked about baby etc but I had hoped things would have improved by now?
How do I help him move past this or do I just wait till baby is here and hope he comes around and bonds?

The further your pregnancy progresses, the more 'viable' the baby, the more his fears should subside. I think it's important, in the meantime, to just keep talking, keep loving each other, keep understanding the other's point of view.

You are 26 weeks! Congratulations
His attitude and behaviour are very understandable, and I think that you are just going to have to accept it for the time being.
You will probably find as your pregnancy progresses he will relax a little as the "weeks" notch up.
I am assuming that with your history you are being carefully monitored by the health professionals, and would be straight to hospital if you felt anything was slightly amiss.
My Dh was very odd in his attitude to my twin pregnancy after I had previously had a late miscarriage but was totally different once the babies arrived and bonded better with them than he did the older siblings.
Just be paptient with him, he is worried and stressed and cannot relax, show him you are relaxed and I'm sure as your pregnancy progresses things will improve.

Paptient??? Patient!!

He is scared to bond, as the weeks go by he may relax a bit more, or he may not actually relax until the baby arrives and both of you are safe and well.
You can't force him to be excited, don't let this become an issue between you.
With babies a lot of people get excited from early on, because it doesn't enter their head that anything but a healthy baby will be the outcome, when a miscarriage happens its a huge and painful shock.
It hurts.
He is trying to protect himself, its understandable. it doesn't mean he will love this baby any less or have problems bonding when it arrives, infact once it arrives it will be a huge emotional release for him.
I lost 2 babies after my first at 14 and 16 weeks and I could not bond or relax with my 2nd child as I didn't want to experience the pain of losing them after getting attached again.
When my DD arrived, the emotion was overwhelming and I loved her completely.
I think you just need to accept that this is his way of dealing with it and you cant force him to be excited. He sounds like a lovely caring man who was badly hurt by those losses and is just trying to protect himself from feeling pain again.

I think you do just have to be patient on this one with your DH. You know is not trying to hurt you or neglect your new baby - he is just trying to survive what has been a very emotional time.

His family are probably following his lead. Although my mum was insanely excited when I got pregnant (long history of problems) she tempered her emotions until I relaxed myself because she didn't want to get it wrong. I think when you lose babies, people tend to be very anxious about getting it wrong.

I went through something similar to your DH myself for the first 12 weeks of this pregnancy (DS2) after miscarriages. I couldn't invest too much in it. I was out till 2am and pretending I wasn't pregnant - the only thing I did was give up drinking alcohol. The whole thing was too scary to invest in. I have relaxed a bit now (am 36 weeks) but even my boss still jokes that I am in denial.

I've actually found both DH and I are less touchy-feely with this bump anyway than with DS1. And I am now of course bonded with the bump so it isn't anything to do with that.

This isn't to do with how much we want the baby at all; it's more that we are so focused on our existing family life that we don't tend to sit with our hands on the bump...we are busy stopping DS1 throwing himself off the stairs. So I think even without terrible trauma first, it's easy to be less amazed by the pregnancy process in subsequent babies - not the result, though, of course!

I would just keep talking to your DH. Let him take it slowly. It is easier for you to relax and bond than him because your body is involved As you grow bigger, keep offering him the chance to feel kicks etc. And congratulations on your pregnancy!!!!!

I agree with the other posters. This is not a permanent problem and it will resolve itself naturally in time.

I didn't want to get too excited when I was pregnant, not because I've suffered miscarriages (and am very sorry for your loss) but just out of a sense of superstition I think, I wouldn't buy anything for the baby until she arrived (cue arrival 2 1/2 weeks early and I was so unprepared I hadn't even packed hospital bag or bought nappies or anything except a car seat!) I wouldn't consider names until the last month or so.

As the pregnancy progresses or when the baby is born, your DH will be able to celebrate with you then. In the meantime I think you have to allow him to feel the way he does.

Best of luck to all of you and congratulations :-)

thank you all for the replies, I suppose it is just a waiting game and we've gone through the grieving process at different rates. I still get scared and anxious but I suppose my way of coping i the opposite to DHs, I don't allow myself to think about things going wrong as I can't cope going down that road and have to focus on a healthy, happy baby.

Also I suppose this pregnancy was very much driven by me in almost an obsession that I had to get pregnant again as quickly as possible, again it was my way of coping, and probably not the wisest choice before really getting over the last loss. All just so confusing!

He's just trying to manage his expectations. Sad but very understandable.

Firstly congratulations and it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship to welcome your second child in to.
I wouldn't worry too much, like you i have had multiple miscarriages (however none as late on) and am at a similar stage of pregnancy. This pregnancy seems much more 'real' to me the DH as it is my body experiencing it all.
I would keep talking to your DH and gently talking about the baby and things that you need to get ready, but I wouldn't force him to participate until he is ready. From your post he sounds like he is excited and happy about the pregnancy, but just scared of the same thing happening again, which is very understandable. Let him travel at his own pace through this.

Having been through this exact situation
We had our son who is now 8 and then 3 miscarriages one at 16 weeks that nearly destroyed us I got pregnant with my daughter , he was very detached from my pregnancy as said he didn't want to get too attached to the thought of another baby,
Anyway she's 2 now and he adores her and Is the best dad she could ask for, and we are having another.

Was just think about you today bluebird and wondered if things had improved at all?

Hiya Rosegarden,
Congratulations ;-).

Just nipping in to give you a different perspective. Your husband sounds a lot like I felt when I was pregnant ( twice ). Have a family background of lots of miscarriages, stillborns, eptopics. Genetic testing showed I carry an inverted chromosome = 1:2 chance of ' affected baby' with each pregnancy. I was also told it would take me many 'failed chances' before a baby. As with other family members - lots of heartache.

Whilst pregnant ( both times ) I found it hard to visualise it leading to a baby. As it progressed and I could feel them spinning and moving - it didn't really help. My fears were real - I could imagine loosing them easier than going full term and having them. Husband was opposite - he was excited.

As soon as I had my precious , healthy , perfect babies in my arms - it all changed.

I think his self protect button has kicked in, just in case .

It must be hard for you , but quite stressful for him too?

Of course I could be totally wrong.

Enjoy your pregnancy .

I was the same as your DH, I also had a MC. Second pregnancy the baby came early and I hadn't bought anything for it. My DH got a list every time he came in to see us in hospital. Congratulations by the way.