Just found out my abusive mum is dying

[discotequewreck]

I have been estranged from my adoptive parents for years. I won't go into detail but they were emotionally abusive and almost ruined my life. I have moved on and have a lovely family of my own but I have just found out my adoptive mother has cancer and not long to live.

She wants to see me and my kids, though they barely know her. I am very confused and this has thrown up a lot of emotions. Don't know why I posted, just wondered if anyone had been through similar.

I haven't but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered. I guess I would question what there is to be gained by seeing her if she almost ruined your life? It may rake up more sadness than its worth?

I think you will find alot of help and support on the stately homes thread. What ever you decide I hope you can find some peace.

This is matter for you and your conscience. Will it be clear if you don't go to see her in her last days?

If so, don't give it another thought, but if you think you may come to regret not acceding to what, presumably, is one of her last wishes, I would suggest you go to visit her alone and take photos of your dc to show her as it could be unsettling for them to meet someone in the last stage of their life, regardless of the fact that legally she is their gm.

You are in a tough position. I know what I would do, but that doesn't mean the same would be the right thing for you.

Ask yourself if you could make some sort of peace with your DM. I would not initially involve your children.

I had a very difficult relationship with my Mum. In the last couple of years of her life we agreed to put our past behind us and move on. She became the Mum I always wanted and needed. When she died I lost a loving and beloved Mother. I am so grateful for having had this relationship with her at last.

Could you wipe out any hurt you have received? Could either of you start again?

Think about what would be best for you.

I won't take the children, I would go on my own. Even at this stage, guilt seems to define our relationship. I think I would feel guilty yes.

It is more than just a difficult relationship though. Years of cruelty and bullying blighted my early life. It was covert and unexplainable to a child, even now I do not think people understand.

It would never, sadly, be a make up story. But merely a goodbye, whatever that means.

Guilt is such a curious phenomena, isn't it? We can feel guilty for not feeling guilty and claim as our own guilt that, more properly, belongs to others.

This unfortunate woman may have blighted your past but don't allow her to cast any shadow on your present and your future.

See visiting her as a matter of fulfilling any last vestige of duty you may feel you owe her so that your conscience will remain unsullied, and go in a spirit of compassion for what it was that drove her to treat you so badly and for the paucity of her life which, unlike your own, cannot be said to have been well-lived.

When my own mother, who I had a very toxic relationship with, was diagnosed with breast cancer I went off the rails for a bit. I just couldn't handle the emotions it threw up at me. We had been estranged for a number of years.

She recovered but was subsequently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I now have a relationship of sorts with her in that the woman who was my mother does not exist anymore. Therefore I arrange her care, visit often and make her life as bearable as I can. I do this because I feel I should, call it guilt or what you will, but I know I will have no regrets in the end because I am the one who will be left here with time to think and i want to have a clear conscience in that respect. It is the better choice for me.

Izzyizin your post gave me great comfort thank you.

I also thank the other posters for your time. Will think on it and try to make the best possible decision.

Do please come back after your visit and, in the meantime, I wish you well for the day you go to see her and thereafter.