My lack of affection is destroying my marriage

[gottachangethename1]

Potted history- show been together many years, I have one almost grown up dc from previous relationship. She is a very tactile, affectionate person. I am the opposite. He has mentioned it more or less for the last few years (I was very affectionate for the first 3 years, but think this was a reaction at leaving an unhappy relationship and finally being happy). I hate cuddling, kissing and saying I love you. I even find it hard with dc and close family.
Was brought up to never show or give affection and had a poor body image most of my life (had eating disorder for 5 years in my 20s).
Love dh very much, but feel he has truly had enough of sex once a month and my distant manner. Can't afford therapist. Any suggestions or those who are similar.

Sorry meant dh is very affectionate (as is dc too)

I totally understand this and feel your pain. Also grew up never being shown affection (to me, or between my parents). It is heartening to know your DD is affectionate even if you haven't been able to show her that (as I also have DCs but still v young).

I also had an ED for about the same length of time in my early 20's (spooky eh?). I definitely think the 2 are intertwined. Have you tried Overeaters Anonymous? Not just for OE's, any kind of ED sufferer is welcome and I personally feel once you've had an ED there is always an issue around food/weight/body image.

The reason I mention OA is because a lot of people I've met there have similar intimacy issues, plus it is free to attend. And of course you have a history of EDs.

Do you feel like you WANT to be able to show affection but can't? Or more like you just want everybody to leave you alone? What were those first 3 years like, did you enjoy the closeness? I know I did with my DH, which I suppose is how I knew I had a problem. I actually would love to be affectionate, laid back etc but my control freak nature creates distance between me and those I love, which is desperately sad if you think about it.

Wow never mind you sound like a clone of me!! Thank you so much for your kind reply. You are right, the effects of an ed never go away. Twenty years later and I no longer starve myself but I am very regimented about my eating habits and I hate how I look.
In answer to your question I did enjoy being close with dh at the start but I always felt I was playing a part rather than being myself. I am a bit of a loner & hate anything where I have to be outgoing (parties, large groups) a total contrast to dh. Would happily never hug or touch the person I really love never again. Mental isn't it?