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Relationships

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Original poster

Second date

80 replies

ConfuzzledMummy · 18/02/2013 19:23

I recently met a man and were seeing each other. On Saturday we went out to an Italian and had a few drinks. He admitted after he's a bit skint so I suggested we stay in this Friday and watch a film or something. Is this a bit weird to do considering its only our second date?

OP posts:

izzyizin · 19/02/2013 14:16

There's temporarily skint 'cos life has thrown a few unexpected and expensive curve balls, and there's permanently skint as an art form

If I were you, I'd find reason why my place isn't available for Friday's shagfest date and suggest that, if the cost of going out for entertainment is currently beyond his means, I'd be willing to take a dvd and packet of popcorn to his for the pleasure of his company.

If he goes for it, turn up with no more than a dvd of your choice and said popcorn and view it as being by way of test to see if he makes an effort for you - clean sheets, candles, tidy apartment/house etc - and whether he's thoughtful and creative enough to provide drinks/snacks/breakfast on a shoestring.

At risk of sounding as mercenary sensible as Cog, I regard myself as something of an investment piece in dating terms as the more effort they put in, the more they'll be rewarded in the longer term after they've proved their worth.

SPsFanjoTheBigStickyHaribo · 19/02/2013 14:19

He might just be skint as its getting to the end of the month, just a guess.

I wouldn't have thought twice about questioning why someone is skint.

Blackden · 19/02/2013 14:29

Hmm. I must be mercenary too.

OP, at what point in the proceedings did he say he'd love to do it again but he's a bit skint? After your meal and drinks? Or in the morning? (I'm making a few assumptions here that it was your first date, and you went out for the meal first then went back to his that night. Is that right?)
Has he been in touch this week?

I also don't think you should go to much effort for him just yet, I agree with others that it would be better if you go to his house again and see what contribution he makes too.

deedotty · 19/02/2013 14:36

Sounds a positive that he didn't himself "hint" at just staying in, just a lovely gesture from yourself

I think if I were you, I'd just enjoy the night and give it some time - you don't need to be in a long term relationship to see any red flags. Just a couple of months will give a better picture!

If you're discussing the third date, don't feel the need to "offer an option".

You could just flirtatiously go "erm....er...ooh I really can't wait to see you again...what do YOU think we should do?" so he's given some space to come up with a plan.

If you're talking about "general finances" could mention that your own aren't great and you're happy with simple stuff like taking a Thermos and sitting in a park, so he knows he doesn't need to do dinner and drinks if you are out again!

I think I "might" expect him to ask if you need anything brought over for your night in, or bring a bottle of wine or something. Not an immediate dealbreaker, just something to watch for!

Good luck!

Original poster

ConfuzzledMummy · 19/02/2013 14:37

He said it a few days after we went out blackden, yes he's been in touch this week he's working away and will be back Wednesday. So I need to get out of this then on Friday? Maybe to the local and then his?

OP posts:

izzyizin · 19/02/2013 14:52

happy with simple stuff like taking a Thermos and sitting in a park

In the middle of winter, dee? I can't think of much worse for a second date than sitting by a frozen duckpond with a thermos of tomato soup for warmth - unless, of course, we were waiting for the helicopter to land and whisk us off to the private jet that's revved up ready to take us to Cannes

Tell him that as one your pal's is staying over Friday night at yours is out but you're available for a night out, albeit this may consist of staying in at his if he hasn't got sufficient readies for a few hours in his local.

Blackden · 19/02/2013 14:58

Ok Confuzzled, understand it better now.
If it was me - because I'm a tad mercenary - I'd want to go out. But you're ok with staying in , so that's fine, but I'd really suggest to go to his and see what effort he makes.
Have fun!

Original poster

ConfuzzledMummy · 19/02/2013 15:00

So I just tell him my friends staying over but I can go out/go to his?

OP posts:

izzyizin · 19/02/2013 15:13

That's what I'd do - what you do is, of course, entirely up to you, honey

Original poster

ConfuzzledMummy · 19/02/2013 15:15

Ok well he's ringing me later so ill let you know how it goes

OP posts:

Original poster

ConfuzzledMummy · 19/02/2013 15:25

I've told him he just said ok no probs hun

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 19/02/2013 15:46

hun

hun

he called you hun ?????????

Dump. The. Fucker.

Original poster

ConfuzzledMummy · 19/02/2013 15:52

Lol I quite like it!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 19/02/2013 16:02

SorryMyLollipop · 19/02/2013 19:13

I would be a bit at him saying that he is skint at this stage. He seems to be managing your financially low expectations of him. We all get skint from time to time, but to tell you so early on and use it as way to broker a cheap non date?

If he was making an effort then he could surely, at least, borrow a few quid from a mate for the cinema?

I think you are setting the bar very low by going nowhere for a second date. It will set a boring and lazy precedent at a very early stage.

Why not wait til the end of the month?

SPsFanjoTheBigStickyHaribo · 19/02/2013 19:17

The man im seeing now well our first date was during the day, food and cinema. Our second was valentines where we watched a couple of films at mine and third was the zoo.

I didn't think it mattered where the date was as long as you enjoyed it. I'm easily pleased though and like the simple things

Original poster

ConfuzzledMummy · 19/02/2013 19:19

He hasn't brokered anything, i asked him round to my house BEFORE he told me he was a bit short. So it was my idea. Anyway i have told him my friend is staying with me and 3 is a crowd! So I've left the ball in his court and we'll see what happens

OP posts:

thesnootyfox · 19/02/2013 19:28

Staying in is the new going out. It would be daft of him to go out to restaurants and bars if he can't afford to. At least he is being honest!

If you don't want a skint boyfriend that is fair enough but if you want this to develop into something you will have to accept that going out will be a rarity.

ImperialBlether · 19/02/2013 19:32

Was he on a dating site? This might sound nuts but I think if a man is too broke to date he shouldn't be on a dating site. Neither should a woman (before I'm shot.)

AnyFucker · 19/02/2013 20:14

It does sound a bit nuts, IB. Do financially-challenged people not deserve any romantic interaction with the opposite (or indeed, same) sex ?

Original poster

ConfuzzledMummy · 19/02/2013 20:33

No it wasn't a dating site imperial, that's a very good point anyfucker!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 19/02/2013 21:00

I think the important aspect is that one is not taking advantage of the other (financially-wise)

If a skint bloke just wanted to ponce off me all the time, I wouldn't be impressed

But if he used his imagination, and thought of cheap and inventive things to do (instead of being happy to come to my place, eat all my food, drink all my wine, warm his tootsies at my fire etc) that would be ok

Original poster

ConfuzzledMummy · 19/02/2013 21:16

That's my thoughts exactly!

OP posts:

deedotty · 19/02/2013 21:44

Aye, I think important to read "intentions" and look at the guy, rather than look at the details of what exactly a date can provide/pay for? There's a grey area between has spare cash to wine and dine every week and cocklodger and I think a lot of good men are in that grey area?

My ex husband is a City type so can/could easily afford the Michelin starred restaurants or the week away or whatever. But he's just "inside" quite a peevish, tight, "out for what he can get" man, and this was reflected in other things of our relationship

But I know guys who are skint who just have a more generous mentality. One of my guy friends is on NMW but will sub those with less than him, friends and dates.

If he's dating it won't be the Savoy but he will find somewhere "nice" even if it is dirt cheap and likes doing "manly" things like walking the girl home (then walking back home again himself ha ha ) even if he can't afford to give her £20 for a taxi, or contributing as much as he can financially and doing as many "blokey odd jobs" as possible. He doesn't online date and never is actively looking for dates but doesn't struggle for attention, because he adds value/masculinity to a woman's life, even if its not in straight monetary terms.

Original poster

ConfuzzledMummy · 19/02/2013 22:14

Its nice to hear some success stories where money isn't the be all and end all of a relationship!

OP posts:

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