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Relationships

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Original poster

SIL is pregnant

20 replies

teabags · 29/04/2006 18:05

SIL was ttc when I became pg and since then has had v little to do with me, dh or ds. We are offended by things she has said and done and her disinterest in ds but never raised the issue. So now she has called to say she is pg and expects us to jump up and down for her and be excited. Having shown no interest during my pregnancy and beyond she now wants to have baby discussions with me etc
I feel so confused and I feel mean that I don't feel the excitement for her that I should. I am finding it hard to express how I feel. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

lapsedrunner · 29/04/2006 18:11

Not been in a similar situation but to be fair I was completely non baby friendly before I was pg. I would have run a mile rather than have anything to do with babies, baby conversations etc.

She will have changed and will really value your support now, go with the flow for her sake .

beansprout · 29/04/2006 18:14

I think a lot of people just don't "get" babies until they have one. I was like that. She will realise how her lack of interest affected you at some point. I would just go with it.

compo · 29/04/2006 18:28

Maybe she was just really really stressed and upset that ttc wasn't goig very well/ I know it's incredibly hard but just try and put the past behind you and try to enjoy her new enthusiasm. Otherwise you won't have much of a relationship left

Littlefish · 29/04/2006 18:33

Had she been ttc for long? It may be that she felt very envious when you got pg and found it hard to deal with. I had this situation with my sister. I was the jealous one and found it really hard to have anything to do with her while she was pregnant because although I was happy for her, spending any time with her just reminded me of my lack of pregnancy/child.

Luckily she understood and was incredibly supportive when I eventually got pregnant. We are closer now than we have ever been.

Perhaps the fact that your SIL is trying to talk to you about the pregnancy shows that she is trying to build bridges and would value your opinion.

Give her a chance. This baby will be your neice/nephew, and your ds's cousin. How lovely to have cousins close in age.

Dior · 29/04/2006 18:35

I 'broke up' with a friend because she was like this. I fell pg, and, when I told her, she said (in a monotonous voice), 'Oh, that's good...' I know that she was unhappy because she couldn't get her dh to agree to start trying for a baby, but I expected her to be happy for me.

She now has a 1 year old, and I tentatively made steps towards her when she had him, because I heard that she wasn't doing very well and I had been in the same boat. We have never mentioned the 'gap' in our friendship, and it is not as close as it was BC. However, it is nice to chat again occasionally.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it probably hurt your SIL that you fell pg when she couldn't. Whilst I wouldn't have reacted the way that she did, I can empathise with her. Maybe it is time to bury the hatchet a little, and be the grown-up...help her enjoy the pregnancy and share some of your experience with her.

mistressmiggins · 29/04/2006 18:35

I was in this exact situation.
To be honest I realised that as SIL was TTC & I ended up pregnant first, it was hard for her to deal with cos she was jealous - and I dont blame her - they wanted a baby & had to watch me go through pregnancy trying every month while I got bigger.
Fortunately they concieved the day after DS was born and suddnely she was excited herself

so although Im sure it hurt at the time, just shrug your shoulders and try to give her hints & tips

you never know, she might actually feel guilty for treating you indifferently but thats hard to admit isnt it

Original poster

teabags · 29/04/2006 18:38

You are all so right. I am truly v pleased for her. I guess I am just harbouring on things she has said and done or not done and finding it hard to put that in the past.

OP posts:

compo · 29/04/2006 18:39

I guess it depends on what she has said and done. If it is downright nasty then it might be very ahrd to forget

Original poster

teabags · 29/04/2006 18:58

oh things like ...." we already have nieces and nephews (on her husband's side), yours will just be another one to add to the list"

a congrats card arrived when ds was 3 months old.

she has never called and never responded to any emails or pics I have sent since I fell pg (ds is nearly 1)

has held him once v briefly (and is a baby friendly person). Makes a huge fuss of other people's children

DH's parents don't live nearby and she referred to my pregnancy as "out of sight out of mind" (DS is their 1st grandchild and they were v excited)

I do think she was eaten up inside with jealousy but I don't think it can totally excuse her behaviour. Or do I just not understand enough how she must have felt?

OP posts:

Original poster

teabags · 29/04/2006 19:03

even so I am going to do as you say and give her as much advice and support etc as she wants. I think she will realise (if not already) that she wasn't there for me in any shape or form

OP posts:

Littlefish · 29/04/2006 19:13

I think you're doing the right thing, offering her your support and I'm sure she will really appreciate it.

We were ttc for 2.5 years and it really really eats away at you. I used to sob privately, everytime I heard that one of my friends was pg. It's so, so, so hard to deal with.

Her comments were obviously very hurtful and uncalled for, but I suspect they were also very defensive, and her way of dealing with a situation which she found unbearable. I'm not trying to excuse what she said or did, but I do know a little bit about how she might have felt.

lilstarry1 · 30/04/2006 19:46

I'm glad you're going to support her, certainly makes you the bigger person!! It's fairly obvious she's jealous! It's hard to be sympathetic when she's suddenly shifted, but I suppose we can't hold onto things forever.

My SIL announced very shortly after I fell PG that she was getting married, we've since joked that we got the baby they get the wedding.. She's also told my IL's she's jealous they see us so much?! Ah well!

Good luck, SIL's are random creatures. Not as scary as MIL's tho :)

wannaBe1974 · 30/04/2006 21:16

I think that for people who don't have children, it's hard to relate to those that do, and the wrong things can be said even without thinking about it.

My sil was apparently so excited about being anauntie, and yet when ds was born she wasn't interested. She see him once a year generally and once said to dh that "(ds) seems to be the most important thing in your life! that ain't right!" hello? :O

But she doesn't have kids of her own, and I am convinced that once she actually does have any, she will suddenly realize just what it's all about and how others' comments can affect you.

shimmy21 · 30/04/2006 21:26

My good friend almost cut contact with me when I had a baby and she was having trouble TTC. Luckily she explained to me herself so I wasn't hurt. She said she just found it very difficult to be around babies or talk about them when her wish to have her own was so overwhelming and I didn't see her for nearly 2 years. She now has twins and talks about nothing else! We lucky ones who have our babies when we want them can't appreciate how difficult it is for people having no luck TTC to be around us. I'd say try to let bygones be bygones and let the baby thing be a way to build a bond with SIL.

Littlefish · 01/05/2006 09:24

Well said Shimmy. It is completely overwhelming when you can't conceive!

threebob · 01/05/2006 09:43

I still have to remind myself that my SIL, BIL and brother want to spend time, money and energy on ds because he is their nephew. Not having any nieces or nephews myself I have no idea, and sometime get it very wrong. However I've never admitted this - but I am aware of it.

Littlefish · 01/05/2006 13:10

What do you mean that you get it very wrong Threebob?

threebob · 01/05/2006 20:02

I just forget that they'll want to be with him - when he was a baby I would forget to give him over for a cuddle, I would forget that my SIL would want to babysit him alone when she visits, I would forget that she would love to share a room with him on holiday just to get some alone time - whereas I wouldn't forget that dh would want to be alone with him.

Littlefish · 01/05/2006 20:51

Oh, I see what you mean! I hope you're making the most of it now - the babysitting I mean!

threebob · 02/05/2006 10:38

Gosh yes - now he's 3 when Auntie or Uncles are around dh and I don't get a look in!

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