ex's constant allegations

[NicknameTaken]

I left him nearly four years ago. Emotional abuse, low-level physical. Went to a refuge. Court order - I'm the residential parent, he gets unsupervised access.

He won't give up on trying to get residence for DD (5). Allegation after allegation to the police, to social services, to the courts. DD allegedly neglected, bruised, I pushed her down the stairs - all according to him. No truth in it, no evidence ever provided.

I've also raised issues with the police (he wouldn't return DD without police intervention), and with SS about some parenting concerns - SW agreed that there was some grounds for concern, though not enough to stop contact altogether. Recently found out that school approached SS independently because DD said in the playground that daddy says mummy wants to kill her.

Overall SS taking the attitude that both parents are throwing allegations at each other, so we must both be as bad as the other, and we just need to communicate better. This comes despite the fact that their own investigations show that I actually have grounds for concern, and he hasn't. Ex has clearly latched onto this and decided that the more allegations he throws around about me, the more credibility I lose - if I ever say anything about him, it now looks like retaliation.

Ongoing court process. He has asked me repeatedly to go into mediation - I used to say no due to the past abuse, but most recently said yes. He clearly doesn't want the mediation, and the day I was due to attend he had me back in court again. I'm prepared to go, though I don't think it will help, but he just waives around evidence of my past refusals to mediate as evidence that I'm the one blocking progress.

I'm just so exhausted. I can't believe that he gets to keep attacking me like this. I try to keep it in perspective - I don't think anyone's going to whisk my dd away from me, although he might well get more unsupervised time with her.

He doesn't give a damn about her pain and confusion, he just wants to win.

Can you just tell me it will be okay and this won't last forever? I used to think that he would get a new girlfriend and lost interest, but I think he has one and it just seem to energize him and encourage him to play the Heroically Striving and Unjustly Deprived Father.

You are the resident parent and I presume from your post you have a residence order. There are unsubstantiated allegations on his part. The courts see this all the time and violent men do get unsupervised contact.

The courts are very reluctant to change the status quo and as you are not refusing contact, in my view it would seem very unlikely residence would be changed. It would not be in the child's best interests.

I have suffered this for around seven years now and recently I received a letter from the court stating the father had complained I would not change my holiday dates to accommodate him when I had already booked a holiday and complied with the court order. So he even complains when I comply with an order.

The court have stated that if further inappropriate applications are made, then may well be the time to apply for a section 91 (14)order to prevent future applications without the permission of the court. You may wish to consider this.

I wish I could tell you he will lose interest, but some people do get very wrapped up in the whole court process to the point of obsession and I think it is in these very rare instances that barring applications should be applicable as continuing the process only heightens tensions further.

Thanks, Elsie, and sorry to hear that you've had it for seven years. I've been talking to my solicitor about the s91 order, but I'm afraid if I go for one, he'd only appeal it and rack up more costs.

The sad thing is that you end up - well, I end up - half-wishing my dd's childhood away, to get to the point where she's old enough to decide for herself about the relationship.

Nickname, I remember you from your thread involving your ex's unreasonable demands about upping contact when she started school. Sorry to hear he is still being a dick.

I don't really have any advice, but I didn't want to read and run. Can WA give any support?

Nickname, you are so right. I live for the day my GS is sixteen, which is so very wrong. Only five years to go!!

Could you move to the other end of the country? Would he travel to see DD?

Can't move as he'd go to court to stop me or get residence changed. He mightn't succeed, but i can't face another fight. Talking to sol today, so one foot in front of another.

Jeez, we're we married to the same man? It's been 2.5 years here. His most recent thing is to make complaints against my solicitor to his professional body. I can't understand how he manages to maintain his level of aggression towards me and anyone to do with me. He's in a new relationship. Don't get it.

Can totally picture my ex doing that! He's complained about my solicitor in court docs but that tactic hasn't occurred to him yet.

I am dealing with similar although he makes allegations to the police about me. His last attempt resulted him in being cautioned for harrassment. He is also in the process of making formal complaints against my solicitor, the judge (!) and the social worker from the DV team. It is relentless and it is exhausting. OW has just had a baby - I had hoped that would shift his focus but i suspect now that loves young dream is crumbling under the pressure of a very sick newborn and he's upped the ante against me.
I see no end - I don't want to engage with SS anymore (he assualted our eldest child) because they don't stand up to him but know that if i don't present the kids for 'group work', then I'll be the one who is frowned upon.
I realise that i have no constructive advice but hope it helps to know that there are people who do undertstand.

True - i wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it does help to feel less alone. Sympathy to all in this situation!

Just a quick update - social worker has told me that they don't believe ex's allegations that I pushed DD down the stairs and aren't taking the investigation any further.

Given that he returned her earlier than necessary after his contact because it suited him, it's fairly clear that he doesn't genuinely believe I'm the ever-present danger to his child that he likes to convey either.

So, my fellow sufferers, right now I feel that we will all weather this storm! It's not forever. Our dcs know the truth, that we love them. We'll get through this too.

Nickname, are you keeping a diary? If not, start one, and record what SS have told you, along with the name of the social worker you spoke with.

Thanks for the tip, Beryl. It's all on record with my solicitor, but you're right, I need to keep my own records too, especially as I'm close to running out of funds to pay for a solictor and may need to represent myself if it carries on. And chances are, it will carry on...