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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

XH living in a shit hole, feel awful, dont know what to do

93 replies

fuckinghellwhathaveidone · 17/02/2013 22:51

STBXH moved out 6 months ago. Lives in a bedsit and wont have kids over night as it isnt suitable.

He is really really poorly. Ive been trying to persuade him to come and stay, so we can feed him/look after him and beacuse he has no heating. he refuses

So I went round with dd1 today to check on him. i cant stop crying. He lives in a SHIT HOLE. I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY hideous. His room is ok, but damp. But the communal areas/bathroom/kitchen are condemable. The toilet leaks and the house stinks of piss. The bathroom is black with mould.

I feel so so so guilty

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 17/02/2013 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2013 22:54

why did your relationship end ?

There must have been good reasons for that

he is an adult...don't feel guilty about him

teaandbourbons · 17/02/2013 22:54

Why did you split up? Does he work/pay maintenance?

Original poster
fuckinghellwhathaveidone · 17/02/2013 22:56

i couldnt cope with his drinking, mostly. I think he was emotionally abusive...more emotionally completely neglegent. But I wasnt very nice either. Probably just compketely incompatible. We should never have got married and had kids.

he moved to UK, to be with me. Which is probably why I feel so guilty

I just want him to be OK

OP posts:
cheesesarnie · 17/02/2013 22:56

why is he living there?

why should you feel so guilty?

Original poster
fuckinghellwhathaveidone · 17/02/2013 22:57

He works but is on a low wage. I agreed to him not paying maintenance for 2 years, as I had no money to give him and I stayed in the family home and we have/had a joint mortgage

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/02/2013 22:58

Only he can ensure that he is ok though. By dealing with his drinking and earning enough money to not have to live in a shithole.

If I was feeling really uncharitable, then I would offer the suggestion that he is hoping you will feel guilty, being all noble and self-denying about coming to stay. Just upping the stakes on the emotional abuse.

Original poster
fuckinghellwhathaveidone · 17/02/2013 22:58

I almost want him to come back. I really cant cope with the thought of him living there. I dont think he would come back anyway

I cant have him back

OP posts:
Flojobunny · 17/02/2013 22:58

He's an adult. He has choices. If he wants to stay there and be martyr that's his choice. What kind of illness?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/02/2013 22:59

So if he pays no maintenance then where is his wage going?

Original poster
fuckinghellwhathaveidone · 17/02/2013 22:59

i dont know what to do

i dont think he is trying to guilt me...he didnt expect me to go round...he has never told me the address and the kids have only been a couple of times. He was suprised dd remembered how to find it

OP posts:
Snazzynewyear · 17/02/2013 23:00

Could he look for something else but not your place? Is he in housing association type accommodation or private landlord?

If he's that ill, should he be in hospital?

GeekLove · 17/02/2013 23:01

It could be that the self-neglect is the sympathy card. He is an adult and so shoud take care of himself. Be glad you are not having to take care of him as well as yourself.
By the way my two arsehead exs are both single and living i various shitholes. I count myself glad that they are not a part of my life now

Original poster
fuckinghellwhathaveidone · 17/02/2013 23:02

he has a ling infection flojo. But he only has 3/4 of a functioning lung. The other 1 1/4 is scar tissue; which is prone to bleeding. So besides having the normal infection...he is in danger of bleeding out and of not getting enough oxygen. Im scared he will die. there is no other residents in the house atm. no one to check on him. although he seemed better than he sounded on the phone. He was out of bed

OP posts:
amillionyears · 17/02/2013 23:04

You shouldnt feel guilty.
But I would hope that people would have compassion for him.

Is he still drinking?

Original poster
fuckinghellwhathaveidone · 17/02/2013 23:04

snazzy I think he should be in hospital yes

I dont know where his wage is going...its really low. he is supposedly saving a deposit to be able to rent some where suitable for the kids. But tbh, I dont think his wages would cover rent and bills for anywhere.

Oh gawd, what a hideous mess

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckinghellwhathaveidone · 17/02/2013 23:05

he cant drink at the moment

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 17/02/2013 23:05

I think people are being a bit harsh here. People who live in conditions like this aren't martyrs; they are completely broke.

Could you ask him if he wants to come back for a set period of time, eg three months, while he gets better? The condition of course would have to be that he doesn't drink.

MechanicalTheatre · 17/02/2013 23:05

I don't think it's a good idea to take him back. I do think it's normal to feel bad for him, after all, you must have cared about him at one point.

He was emotionally neglegent towards you...do you think he would help you out in the same circumstances?

amillionyears · 17/02/2013 23:06

Do you think he is getting all the benefits he is entitled to?

amillionyears · 17/02/2013 23:07

Agree with ImperialBlether.

Toughasoldboots · 17/02/2013 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife · 17/02/2013 23:08

You are not responsible for him

Don't confuse the dc by having him back if there were good reasons for splitting.

If he is ill he should go to hospital and get help. Let him go back t his home country for a while to get well and be with his family

chocolatespiders · 17/02/2013 23:09

Would you let him come back and use this time to save for somewhere better.
My ex is struggling to find somewhere suitable to live.

Original poster
fuckinghellwhathaveidone · 17/02/2013 23:11

will he be entitled to benefits?

he is coming round for dinner tomorrow. I think I will ask him to move back. For a set period of time is a good idea. I really cant trust him not to drink though, that is the problem. I finally chucked him out after dd1 found him past out in a pool of vomit on the stairs one monday morning

OP posts: