For those who helped before...cheating husband, what happened next and WWYD?

[Brassica]

I don't know if anyone will remember a thread from August that I started about my husband I thought was sleeping with someone because of odd behaviour around his work Blackberry and disappearing at every opportunity, and we had 18-month old twins. I asked "WWYD" and lots of you replied, and it turned out that the instincts were right.

Having found him out, there were assurances that he loved me and wanted to make it work. He finished it with the other woman, we discussed what we might want to change in our relationship to make it work, we didn't go for marriage guidance but tried to navigate for ourselves.

You can guess what's coming. He has left me to be with her. Our twins are now two, she has two small children, both of them have left their families to be together and did so by simply not coming home one night last week. He has acted disgracefully.

When I found out before, I was so sure I wanted to stay with him that it was not a good idea to tell too many people as they'd never be able to forget even if I could. Now I have not held back and many people know the truth about how he's behaved. Our families are devastated, so angry and upset and anxious. How dare he?

For nearly six months I tried as hard as I knew how to get it back on an even keel, and he didn't make any effort at all. He says he only started it up with her again before Christmas, but to me it feels as though he never intended to stay with me but I confronted him before he had his exit strategy sorted out and in the panic he said he wanted to stay.

Now my main thought is that I want my children not to suffer from this At All. That means being reasonable about contact, not saying anything at all bad about him, and me being as good a mum (and dad) to them as humanly possible when they are with me.

I am really frightened about having to leave our home, which I love and have poured a lot of time, thought, energy, money etc into over the years. He is renting now with his beloved but alluded to wanting his share of the capital at some point so he/they can buy somewhere.

What should I be doing now? Should I get the house valued, speak to a solicitor/mortgage adviser etc and start preparing myself, or what? I have been really surprisingly together about everything so far, and I have amazing (and unanimous) support from friends and family, but should I actually be getting my defences sorted out right now before any more shots have been fired?

It's hard to think straight, beyond knowing that I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other for my children.

So sorry things have come to this. I think you need to seek legal advice as to what will happen with your home etc. You will get through this, honestly. And, you do realise that none of this is your fault! xxxx

Legal advice needed pronto.
OP you used the term 'even keel' -made me think of a pair of rowers. One alone cannot balance the boat.
Good luck

Oh bless you, i'm syre in time you'll be glad to be out of this as he doesn 't deserve you. You need to get some financial advice as soon as but I wouldn't enter into any conversation with him re the house, finances ect in fact I'd he telling him you won't be moving anywhere, EVER. It's awful to be put through the loss of your relationship and then be expected to lose your home as well. I agree with the "yes Daddy's fab" through gritted teeth for childrens sake but on the subject of you having to move give him a swift f@@@ off.

Get legal advice ASAP

Apply to CSA

Sort out tax credits under your name only.

Let council know your single you get a discount for council tax.

Don't move anywhere. You have children to bring up, he can buy a love best if he chooses from his own money, not by forcing you out of your home.

Check joint bank accounts and ensure he doesn't overdraw on them.

Make sure all your money goes into a bank account which only you have access to ie not a joint account.

I remember your post from the summer and was really impressed by your desire to make things work. Wow! What a complete prick.

Glad to hear that you have plenty of support. I've nothing new to add that hasn't been said already. Thinking of you.

Poor you . Time to find yourself a good lawyer. Photo copy everything you have regarding finances. Make sure he cant withdraw joint funds or run up overdrafts in your name. Do not move out or make any suggestion you might move out. Dont expect him to be fair to you - he has unfortunately already shown you who he really is.

Brassica, I am so sorry that this happened to you and your DCs. Like the posters above I would recommend you get legal advice (solicitor or CBA) as soon as possible.

I read your post and just wanted to say: Well done you for putting your DCs first in all this. I know how hard it is, but one day your DCs will ask you about this time and you will be able to hold your head up and answer their questions honestly, knowing that you did everything you could and protected them throughout.

But it is good that people now know. That you know where you stand. Take the help offered. Ask for help when you need it. Yes your DCs are going through a difficult time, but so are you. If you can, speak to a counsellor. It is good to have someone to vent talk to. Honestly. Without worrying about the impact on others.

I wish you love, luck and strength in the times ahead.

Follow the sensible heart-over-head advice about legal advice and protecting the children, but don't get so caught up in being Adult and Reasonable that you deny yourself the chance to roar and scream at the injustice of what's happened to you. Don't feel you're not allowed to be angry and furious at the hand this pair have dealt you - you do need to vent that somehow.

And make sure that 'being reasonable' translates into them having 2-year old twins in their lovenest for substantial periods of time so that you have the opportunity for a break and to get your own life back on track. He will have to get used to the reality that his new choices in life will involve caring for 4 children at times and only a fool would think that was easy in a fledgling relationship.

As you didn't go for counselling before, think about it now for your own self. It sounds like you've been through an awful time of it and his sudden disappearance must have been such a shock. Go easy on yourself and while you're still reeling, take offers of help from everyone. So glad you've got support now, it must be such a relief to tell this story.

Hi there. I do remember your post and am sorry that it came to this.

You do need to get a solicitor. I was advised that XH could not force a sale of the house unless it was too big for our means, so assuming you are in a 3 bed house, with 2 kids, then they cant make you sell up. Whatever equity your H is awarded would be set aside until the youngest child is 18. Of course, you need to be able to pay the mortgage on wherever you live.

You need to get legal advice asap on the house and other matters.

As Fuzzy said above, get your finances sorted, ring the mortgage company and advice them that you are separated and get a stop put on the house, so that neither of you can borrow against it without permission of the other. get your money into an account in your own name, change the child benefit, tax credits etc. You will probably get more tax credits now. get the single person council tax reduction and see if you are entitled to council tax benefit. Also, some councils are now spreading payments over 12 months instead of 10, so that can help too.

If you have a local Sure Start Childrens Centre, please go there as they have all sorts of help and advice for parents, single or otherwise.

Your H is a spineless twunt if he did that to you, simply not come home one night. My XH walked out with no prior warning and it came as a hell of a shock. It sounds like you tried everything, but your H had already checked out emotionally like mine had.

You are worth more than that, we all are. If you can sort out the finances and legal stuff, you will feel more confident about being on your own and about coping on your own. It sounds like you have plenty of friends and family support which is great.

Keep posting on here as you will get lots of support and advice here

Have you considered 50/50 parenting? I know it's probably hard to consider, but, it would allow you to work more easily, have a social life and he shouldn't just get to walk away from you & the twins and snuggle up in the love next with no responsibilities. Where are her kids - with them or their Dad?

Feckless bastard :(

I am very proud of you for telling everyone what the shit has been up to, it's a hard thing to do.

You are being really strong & sensible, but as others have said, you are allowed to shout & cry as well x

Nothing to add except im sorry you're going through this. Sending good vibes your way. Thinking of you. Good luck
X

Thanks a lot for your thoughts. I've taken a few steps now - applied for council tax reduction, cancelled Sky Sports (!), spoken to the bank, although they could only offer freezing our joint account pending a financial settlement. That would mean no cash withdrawals or spending on cards, which seems too draconian a step now when actually he may do nothing to our joint funds. I have my own bank account where my salary is paid, as does he, so hopefully the damage would be limited if he drained the account (and I really don't think he would, though who knows what he's capable of ). I don't qualify for child benefit, tax credits etc.

I've seen a solicitor today who has advised on what happens with the house. He can basically force a sale to ensure that we each have equitable standards of living, though the balance of capital would be in my favour as primary carer. Unless I can find a way to get hold of the equity needed to pay him off then I'd have to sell it. Hard to hear but useful to know so I can mentally prepare.

Today was the first day that I've felt a bit overwhelmed by my responsibility. The twins were kicking off a bit when I collected them from nursery and I felt the full weight of it all on my shoulders. In amongst it all I really do feel some relief at knowing where I stand - without realising it, the last 6 months of uncertainty were weighing me down - but I am so bemused/angry/frustrated at how all this shit landed on me without anyone asking me what I wanted. I've done nothing but try to make it work and it was all a waste of energy. I think he probably never wanted to make it work but just didn't have his exit route worked out when I discovered the affair so had to buy time.

It's good that you're feeling anger, love. Also good that you've had some legal advice. Has he indicated yet what arrangements he wants for seeing the children? And have you thought about some counselling yet for you?

I'm a long time lurker, but wanted to post as I was in exactly the same situation as you - several years ago now - and know what you must be going through. It is good that you are angry - use that anger now and channel it to sort out your financial situation to protect yourself and your DCs.

I got a very good and very expensive solicitor (as ex and OW would have to pay) and started immediate divorce proceedings - the solicitor's advice was to get to him straightaway whilst he was getting the backlash. My DCs were young teenagers, so were aware of what was happening and were also given a choice about contact and decided that they did not wish to see ExH. His family were appalled and very angry with him and he had issues at work as well (it was a work affair). My solicitor basically wrote to him, listing his behaviour over the past 12 months when his affair was supposedly over and we were 'trying' to sort out our marriage, spelled out the impact on the DCs, told him I was filing for divorce and naming the OW as co-respondent and outlining the financial settlement - including saying that the sale of the house would cause further distress to the DCs. I actually felt very guilty at the time - but the solicitor was right. He felt guilty, was shocked by the reaction of his family and he did agree to everything. I did keep the house and he basically got nothing. It was difficult as I had to take over the mortgage in full myself, but it did give the DCs stability.

I didn't have counselling, I just couldn't face it at the time as we had been to joint counselling where he basically just lied as his affair had never stopped. I regret that I didn't carry on with counselling on my own as it took me a helluva long time to rebuild my life and my confidence - I do think it would have helped me massively in the first few years.

My life now if fantastic, but it's been hard getting here. The DCs now do see him, but their relationship isn't strong.

Just stay strong, stay angry (it helps) and remember that you tried and could have done no more. He's a twunt and he will realise that further down the line and have to live with the consequences as well.

I also personally found being the applicant in the divorce was better, I got to do the divorce my way as opposed to permanently being on the defensive.

I think what I'm about to say is still true but I'm sure someone else will know better - my sister's H ran off with a married woman about 9 years ago now. The married woman's DH refused to file for divorce because the house they lived in had a huge amount of equity in it, and he knew he'd not be able to afford another in the same area, plus he was disabled and it had been adapted for him. This gave him 5 years breathing space, because she wasn't able to divorce him for that long, because he would have refused to sign any papers before then - after 5 years, she didn't need him to sign anything, she could do it herself, I believe.

But they didn't have children and if you have to see the bastard every week that probably wouldn't help you any. :(

Very sorry to hear this has happened by the way and I hope you do get to keep your home.

"but I am so bemused/angry/frustrated at how all this shit landed on me without anyone asking me what I wanted. "

I hear you brassica, I hear you.

x