confused about counselling

[circlecircles]

My DW has agreed to see someone to talk through why she had an affair with a view to following up with either more counselling to help save the m or counselling to smooth the separation. All well and good. The problem is , she really does hate me. I know she is trying to do the right thing but wouldn't it be better to just cut to the separation bit and then work out feelings from there?

When you say 'agreed' what do you mean? And why do you think she hates you?

Whose idea was it for the counselling? You say she 'agreed' to it so I assume it was yours. Counselling rarely works unless the person having it is ready to tackle difficult stuff - in other words, it has to be their choice and not something they do to please someone else.

What do YOU want to happen with this relationship? Are YOU ready to work at it with your wife or with a counsellor?

If you want to separate and think your DW hates you then why not press for separation yourself? She can carry on working through her issues in her own time but you sound like you need/want to move on. Good luck

Thanks for the replies. I thought counselling had been a mutual decision but it got thrown back at me as being my idea.
Pushing for separation now feels like the right thing to do at this point because although hate might be too strong a word, DW either acts like I'm invisible or if she does talk to me its clear that she wants to say the fewest words possible in the most aggressive way. DW's told me much of what makes her unhappy in our relationship and it's all pretty minor compared to the issues which crop up on these boards (and nowhere near the really serious stuff) - it could all be solved to a large degree by some mutual effort. I still love her completely and very deeply but I can see that her love for me has gone and it has been gone for a good few years. I could carry on being loyal and understanding but this time my gut is telling me time's up.

When it's over, it's over. Doesn't have to be big dramatic reasons or even anything particular rational or identifiable. Love is not rational. When you're asking someone to put effort into love, that's when it's dead.... love should be a natural, spontaneous thing with very little effort required. If she's already having affairs she has 'switched off emotionally' and there's no point sticking around on a one sided relationship for your self-esteem to get a further pummelling.

much of what makes her unhappy in our relationship and it's all pretty minor compared to the issues which crop up on these board

Really? Did you tell her that?

If you feel it is over, then it probably is. It doesn't sound good regarding your wife's participation in the marriage.

When my marriage was breaking up, I found counselling helped me realise a few home truths about myself and ultimately move on. It wasn't easy. My ex, however, only participated to shut me up, put nothing into it and got nothing out. In fact the counsellor suggested it was pointless unless he told the truth, if only to himself, and her responses would not be valid if his input was a total fabrication.

So ime counselling helped me, didn't help my ex and the marriage still failed. But I moved on and that was a big benefit to me.