Help me survive the next hour before my mother and father leave!

[Molehillmountain]

I have no current reason to feel cross with them. Mum is irritating because she constantly criticises others and puts herself down in subtle ways. She has never been directly abusive or done things on purpose but her mental health issues have lead to a very messy past which she can't discuss or acknowledge. I am really angry still about some of the things that have happened as a result of her manic and depressive phases but can't get angry because I know full well that she was ill. But they still happened. My father sometimes talks to me about the time she was an in patient for two years but always in the sense that it was difficult for him. As far as you would know from how she talks about my childhood, my mother was mother of the year. Which she was in intention at least. But I find it very difficult to accept that she doesn't acknowledge how hard my childhood, early adulthood and some aspects of motherhood have been for me, and left me to finally have the lightbulb moment that actually she's bipolar which then explained it all. And the reason I don't get cross is because that would be cruel-given what she's gone through in her life. Thing is, I find it intolerably difficult to be around her. It feels that normal niceties are somehow lies because I really want (but don't want) to raise everything. So I tread on egg shells and mutter under my breath. I feel like a complete cow but also angry at the same time, whilst knowing I'm not really allowed to feel angry with a sick, sad old lady. Aargh! Feels self indulgent and incoherent to even type this but I'm going to press post and see if anyone understands where I am and how I feel. And then it'll be time for her to go. And I'll relax again.

Mole, you're allowed to be angry. Why on earth wouldn't you be?

I understand how you feel but wanted to say that it gets easier once you stop expecting parents to be anything other than fallible, limited human beings and accept that you're not going to get the acknowledgement, apologies or whatever it is you want relating to your childhood. Became easier for me once I had a child of my own and understood just how easy it is to screw up... and not even be conscious that you've screwed up half the time. The old frustrations don't go away but it's now possible to take a step back and regard them as irrelevant, if that makes sense.

Sounds like you're confusing anger & blame sweetie.

Perhaps its blame that you can't place as you know she was ill & you feel bad blaming her for an illness.

But its absolutely fine for you to be angry & some would say its harmful to try to internalise anger. Why not talk about this aspect with your dad, about how it was from your point of view. Or find a safe way to let it out?

If you were reading that posted by someone else, wouldn't you see why they were angry and frustrated?

You are being asked to be sympathetic towards your parents as regards to how these things affected them, but no one will acknowledge the affect it had on you despite you being the most vulnerable person at the time (being a child) and those supposed to be looking after you were unable to do so properly.

Anyone would find it difficult in this situation. You have a right to have your own feelings and those that love you are supposed to acknowledge this.

Have you had any therapy for your upbringing?

God-you're all lovely. When i see how frail, mentally and physically age is i feel even worse. I think I'm going to book a session with the lovely counsellor who's done a bit of unpicking before when I struggled a bit after my second and third dc's were born. I found it so hard then because my first dd was about the age I was when mum was first majorly I'll and away. How do I get rid of the anger? I do worry that sometimes I get cross with the dc more when a visit from my parents is imminent. And I don't think that shouting and screaming at my mother will help.

You have the right to feel angry with whoever you want - including your dm and other sad, sick, old ladies, those who may be on their death bed, and those who've died.

But the problem with feeling angry with those who are older or weaker than we are is that it can cause feelings of guilt within us which creates a self-defeating vicious circle whereby our anger causes what should be their shame to become ours.

Therapy may help you resolve the 'any other business' that you haven't been able to satisfactorily address with your dps/dm or which you feel would be unfair to raise at this late date, but I would suggest you deal with their visits by visualising yourself floating above them and dispensing rays of sweetness and light in their direction.

If only some people knew that when I'm gazing intently at them, appearing to all the world as if I'm hanging on their every word, I'm actually flying high like a cross between Tinkerbell and Pollyanna