Relationship apathy

[Iwishiwasnigella]

I'm stuck, can I give you some background?

DP and I have been together for 9yrs (since we left school really) with only a 6month break a few years ago. When we got back together I became pg with our DD now almost 2. DP is a SAHD. He's lovely, he's kind hearted and a good person, he's a wonderful dad and for many years I was completely in love with him, I still look at him sometimes and think 'wow, you're handsome'. However we've had ups and downs, he is a recovering gambling addict (6 months since his last bet) and his family and I don't get on as they blame his addiction on me and believe he should be working not a SAHD. All of this has put our relationship under strain and it's just kind of fizzled out. We rarely have sex, we don't have much to talk about and I can't help but wonder if the grass is greener. When we split up years ago I had found myself a little flat in the city and I regret not giving that life a shot, I was so scared of ending up alone that I panicked and went back. Obviously things are much more complicated now we have DD. how am I supposed to know if this is as good as it gets?

If you rarely have sex then clearly this isn't 'as good as it gets' is it?

But I'm wondering whether you've had a few crushes on other men with whom the grass looks like it could be greener and this has led to the no sex, rather than the other way around?

Possibly, I work in a male environment and am surrounded by engaging, stimulating, successful men. I don't have a crush as such, more a recognition that I get something from those relationships that I don't at home. We've grown into very different people and my position as sole breadwinner (which I have to admit I resent slightly) makes for a very unequal relationship.

If it's nine years since you left school does that make you mid/late twenties?

Is your dp happy with being a SAHD?

Yeah I'm 26. He's happy as a SAHD most of the time, he was in the building trade so work is thin on the ground, he's got no qualifications etc so finding alternative work is hard. DD is in nursery 2days a week so he's not home alone with her full time.

Could he find some part time work?
I am just thinking, perhaps wrongly, that working may help diminish the temptation of gambling.

But also, that if your lives are altered in some way, that that might help with some of the issues in your relationship.

I can see why that's not a very satisfying environment for him, tbh, and that it might be easy for him to go back to gambling if he spends so much time on his own or with your child.

Could he retrain or get higher level qualifications? He's got two days free and surely you could rearrange the nursery time if a course was available?

What kind of lifestyle would you like? Would you want him to work full time too? Do you want to work part time?

He's happy though, the majority of the time he's perfectly content at home. His work will start to pick up again over the summer. I've suggested education/retraining etc before are he just has no desire/ambition. I just think that what I wanted when I was 17 isn't what I would've chosen now, he's lovely and my best friend but we've become very different people.

It does sound like you're comparing him unfavourably with men who are professionally ambitious and successful, but the thing is those blokes might be rubbish dads whose egoes couldn't take doing a worthwhile job of raising a child and being isolated from adult company as so many SAHDs are, compared with SAHMs.

If you're equating men like that with sexiness then this is in your head more than anything and might say more about you than your husband. It's no different really than if a man started thinking his female colleagues were more sexually desirable than his wife who is at home looking after the children.

What is it you resent then? That you can't be more of a SAHP yourself? That he isn't ambitious professionally? That he doesn't earn any money? Try to find out what it is and then consider whether that's fair or reasonable.

It's true that you might have just outgrown eachother because you met while young, but this could be a passing phase that's being coloured by thinking those male colleagues are the bees knees when they mightn't be half as kind and decent as your husband if you were married to them.

Great reply from badinage

Have you got your eye on someone at work?

No, I haven't at all. There is no one at work I'm ever remotely attracted to, there are people I meet though who remind me what it's like to have an interesting conversation and who I feel more equal to. It makes me worry that I settled too young. I'm not even blaming him, he's not changed since the day I met him. I have though. We just don't have much in common anymore, we're not interested in the same things and want different things from life. To answer your question about what I resent, I guess I just feel that he's got it easy. He does the bare minimum housework wise, he only has DD 2 full days a week on his own, he works as and when he feels like it, sees his friends, plays golf etc. I'm just tired, feel a bit unappreciated and want to feel alive again, I'm only 26 FFS! ;) Perhaps I'm being selfish though.

If you're that bored now, what do you think you'll feel like when you're 46? I'm sure there are exceptions but don't people who have generally the same level of education/ambition/motivation and common interests tend to stay together longer, and more happily?

You are still easily young enough to meet someone else. Best to do it now rather than waiting til 36!

Can you explain a bit more about the people you 'feel more equal to'? Do you feel superior to your husband then? Or inferior?

I can well understand resentment if your husband does very little housework if he has 2 child-free days. Why is that?

How would you ideally like your lives to be arranged?

Or is all of that irrelevant really because you just don't want to be with him any more?

If it's that, how would a split work? Would he remain the primary carer for DD? Would you be able to finance separate residences?

I think you need a heart to heart with him.
To explain your resentment. Does he know how you feel?

Feels like you have evolved a lot since you met him. You are now completely different people. I don't get the vibe you love this guy anymore. You are bored/resentful.

Not very encouraging I fear as this feeling will get worse. You have outgrown each other. You definitely hate breadwinning! Why? I think if you didn't have the child together you'd be long gone.You'reonly 26 so you have plent of time to work out what's best for you.

I wouldn't say leave the bastard though. But it grates me when people lack ambition when they can do more with their lives esp if they know the other half is struggling.

I do love him, the thought of him not being in my life makes me really sad. It's not that I feel 'superior' or 'inferior', just different. He doesn't challenge me and the me 10 years ago didn't need that but I think the me now does. I think a heart to heart may be necessary, I just don't want to hurt him, or at this stage to any irreparable damage.

WRT how things would work, I will always need to work full time, I pay for 2 days childcare and mum mum often has her an extra day. I guess we up her days at nursery dependent on his work. We aren't married, he would need to finance his own life.

Ideally I'd like him to either be working or giving DD and the house a real effort, I think that would change how I feel. If he was working maybe wed have more to talk about etc.