advice for a dad? tricky times

[skaboy]

I posted this in another thread as a reply, but a responder suggested I start a new thread therefore some of it is copied and pasted.

I'm a dad of 4 with a wife who has serious health problems and have signed up for this forum because I have nowhere else I feel I can get support for the tough time we're having at the moment. Recently I became aware she was having an 'emotional affair' (emails and texts to. A work colleague, it had already got to the point they were telling each other they loved each other). I've worked full time and carried the family for years and you can imagine I was very upset to find that despite this she still felt that she needed to see someone else. Her justification was that I neglected her- the way I see it is that I had become a robot, working, essentially a single father in terms of the practicalities of bringing the children up, and being a carer for my wife. She would get me to get long lists of stuff she needed in town to keep me out long enough. Its truly horrible to think of the betrayal.

After finding out I wasn't sure if we could go on but she pleaded that she has finished with him and wants to make a go of it with me. However she has been distant since and I'd be lying if I said I believed her fully that this is the case. We're in a bit of a state of limbo, and she puts her apathy down to needing to 'get better' before dealing with our relationship. However we just don't seem to be dealing with it at all. She managed to find the energy to instigate and maintain the affair whilst being this ill. Part of me thinks that she is just keeping me around to do all the practical stuff like looking after her and bringing up the kids.

At the moment I'm really just trying to make myself trust her because the alternative is a life of constant emotional pain. I have been trying to weigh up the situation to work out whether it is worth it at all. The family I had worked to build for years is my justification for giving it another try. I hated having to analyse everything my partner did or said to work out if she was lying. Its harder in a sense because the usual thing for a dad to do is move out but my kids need me and I really want to see if we can be happy as a family.

I don't know of any Dadsnet sites so I've arrived here to see if I can get any advice or ideas to try and get through this.

No worries about the typos. Really appreciate all the teplies which have genuinely informed and encouraged me through all this. Looking at a house today. Fingers crossed!

Good luck Skaboy with the house.
This is your first step towards your future with your DC's. When living away from your wife you can start making plans or the future--your future without her. Please do not text her, give her the information only that she NEEDS to know not all the details, they are no longer any of her business.
Once away l think you will see just how awful your wife's behaviour and expectations are.
Can l ask how the DC's are coping and what they are aware of?

Well the older two know its an affair that has caused it whilst the younger 2 are only aware we have seperated and that I'm staying away for a bit. I will have to sit down and talk to them, probably tonight if possible. Yep my texts are pretty infrequent short and only ever practical at the moment and I aim to keep it that way.

I'm already seeing her actions for what they are. I have zero respect and trust for her as a wife (I still obv respect her as the mother of my kids) and she is regularly lying to my face-she knows it and she knows I know. Once it hurt, now it just irritates.

The six months falacy is now becoming the six months I need to get away from her and regain my happiness

Good morning, good luck with house hunting.

I've just had the biggest lot of abuse, emotional blacknmail and threats thrown at me for wanting to move out. I can't win here. Its really knocked me back

You wife is an aduser and she is adusing you.

She wants to have sex with this new man but have you to provide money and childcare. Aduse is not love. Your wife wants to control ypu to get what she wants. Thst is not love.

She has no right to treat you like that, you deserve better.

Best way to deal with this is by setting boundries. Only contact her about the children, get a new phone and only use the old one for her. Do not reply or turn off phone if she rants. Do not engage in the conversation. See children at weekends away from the familu home.

You need to detatch from her emotional black mail and take back control.

Read the red flags thread in relationship and see how meny your wife uses.

Also she is the one that had the affair and broke the family unit and more importantly your relationship. She no longer has the right to say how things will be. She should be doing all she can to make it better not adusing you.

Stay strong ((((hugs))))

She has to accept that you have feelings and that you have a right to do what you want to do. It is not all about her.

My XH walked out, announced it was over but didnt want a divorce. That was not his decision to make!

Skaboy, you have to think about the practicalities of who is going to look after the kids and where will they live in the future. This should be your first priority. I know that you said before that you would like a 50/50 residence for them ?is this really practical? Could they all spend a week with their mother, and then a week with you? Is her health up to this? Can she get them up, washed, dressed and off to school in her week with them? If the answer to all this is no, you have some serious thinking to do so, as it is going to be no good for you to have to step into the breach and then take care of them during her weeks. If it is the case that you honestly think that you would have to intervene when she is unwell, you really should consider having them live with you and for her to have say an extended alternative weekend. Also do try to think what the elder kids would want ? if they may want the stability of spending the majority of their time with one parent, I suspect that you should respect this.

What I am trying to say is that there is your wife?s serious health problems do make this an abnormal situation, where the conventional wisdom of what is right for the kids may not be applicable. One of the worst things you could do is to give them uncertainty.

Once you have decided what is best for the kids, then you can decide what position do you want to take on the house, the money and everything else going forward.

Skaboy, just read this and wanted to let you know you have someone else on your side. PLEASE take care of yourself, get counselling for yourself if you can and ask your rl friends for support.

A friend of mine went through something similar many years ago and still bears the emotional scars, but I know that if he'd been less of hisi idea of how a "man" should be at the time and talked to someone then he'd be in a far better place now. I'd love him to talk to someone now, but I know he'd just scoff at the idea. So I'm really pleased to hear that you are open to accepting help.

One word of advice: don't worry about what your children will think of you in years to come. My friend had similar worries and was told by his mum that the kids would work out for themselves who the good guy was despite their mother's attempts to badmouth him at every opportunity. 20 years on and he has a far better relationship with them all than she does and she hates it. But he's always been careful not to say anything bad about her to them and his care has paid off. The kids see the parents for what they are.

So, good luck with it all, keep us updated and take care.

Skaboy she didn't think you would move out, that is why you are being threatened and using emotional blackmail, She is vile. She thought you would just sit around and let her get on with her affair while you continued to be the dotting dad and DH at home. Well her bubble has been burst and her plan has been thwarted.
How did you get on with the house you were viewing??
You must for your own sanity move out and l think you are right to explain to the DC's what is happening (she won't like it) but you must start to move on and make a future for you and your kids. If you can work out custody that you can have them most of the time all the better for them for stability and for you (D) wife's health.

Where's that strong, fighting spirit Skaboy?
Come on.. You can do it!
Stay strong, stay positive.... We're all behind you... xxxx

My idea was joint custody, split child related costs down the middle. I didn't even get the chance to suggest that. The mere idea of me getting my own place caused mental armageddon. The house was ok, but there will be others and I have the support. I think I'm going to ride it out until the relate appt and then calmly suggest my ideas (I was willing to be flexible). Until then minimal contact.

Its a living nightmare but I'm going to stay strong and of course the messages and support here are helping immeasurably. You have no idea how much it means

Are you living away just now? She just doesn't want the status quo to change--it suits her living this way.
Please do not engage in any discussion with her now outwith the relate appointment, you wont achieve anything but grief. Keep texts to a minimum about the DC's only.

Doha that is exactly what I intend to do now. There is no constructive way of handling this. I'm staying at a friends but dividing my time so I see kids as much as possible.

Saw you post in another thread glad you have got advice here since starting your own thread.

Keep calm and as civil as you can be. She is lashing out either out of pure annoyance at things not going all her own way or trying to provoke you.

Hi how are you holding up?

Just catching up with this thread and feel very sad to hear how you are being treated. I am glad to see all the great advice here.

It sounds from what is going on like you should be the one who stays with the house and children while she moves out, as she can't cope at home with the children. Can your hours be made to work around school times? Can the younger two go to after school club?

I agree that the texting and letting her keep you dangling are not on. She needs to make her mind up now. Though really you should be making the decision to leave properly, not leaving it to her.

I'm having a bit of a holiday from it. Been out all night with friends, now she's away most of the weekkend. Not been texting her either apart from arrangements with the kids. Mentally I'm moving on-i don't want to get back with her because of how she has been.

However the practical stuff will need sorting out. It will have to be done with third partys because of the arguments it always seems to cause.

Hiya Skaboy l am so glad you are having a break becuase this has been full on for quite a few weeks now.
Have a good stress free weekend with the kids. You are probably wise to make arrangements through a 3rd party but have you managed to seek legal advice yet. That is a priority.

Have a good weekend and I hope everything works out for you.

Its been nice to see the kids this weekend. The wife hasn't csalled them snd turned her phne off and they were asking questions. I think she should treat them a little better than that but she will be the one who loses out by behaving like that.