In-laws: it's not them, it's me

[boysarelikehogs]

Been with dh for 15 years, since teens. I used to have a great relationship with pils, really felt like a member of the family and loved how different they were from mine. They are happy, relaxed, chatty, laugh lots. Since having dc1 5 years ago however, I have cooled towards them so much and 2 DCs later the relationship has still not recovered.

I find them so overwhelming and I am intensely irritated by them. They are textbook ideal GPS/pils. Will drop everything to help, if I phoned to say I've run out of milk, could you grab me a pint and drop it round, they would, no matter what! It's just so suffocating, feeling so responsible for thier happiness. They have few friends/interests though are very happy together.

They adore me, dh and DCs, and just seem to. E waiting to be asked to be involved at any opportunity. They twitter around me, which makes me more growly and them more twittery! They see the DCs twice weekly, once when they take them out for hours (they want to do this but of course it's lovely for me too). They're always, always offering to help with anything and everything and I almost never accept as I know I know I find them hard a d can't justify my sullen behaviour if I am also accepting favours (not that it's justifiable anyway).

This means, when I'm desperate (e.g. everyone's ill) and I ask for, say, some supplies, they'll both turn up with bags of shopping several hours later, very excited and offering to Hoover, do washing etc.

I feel awful but I just want to scream " NO! That'll do thanks!" I'm not asking for opinions on my feelings, I feel awful and they don't deserve such an irritable, grumpy dil. Just after opinions on why I might feel like this. I'd describe it as overwhelmed mostly.

If it makes for easier reading, they're pretty thick-skinned and barely notice

I understand what you mean, but you need to be kinder to them. You know how lucky you are to have them around, and i'm sure you have seen the thousands of threads on here with genuinely awful PIL.

I would give anything to have family close by that could drop everything and help if i needed it.

I get it can be frustrating, maybe when you invite them round specify exactly what you are going to do eg. we are going to have some lunch then we can take DC's to the park, then I think it'll be time for them to have a bath etc. so as they aren't so twitty and flappy.

What puds said.

Hi OP, I think you should try to grin & bear it.
My partner has just left me at 30 weeks pregnant, with our first baby, been together 9 years.
Im 400 miles away from my family & don't have any support,
Im worrying how I will even manage to go food shopping, let alone labour!

Send them to me! X

I can understand that you may feel suffocated at times. But you are lucky to have such nice and caring pils,

Appreciate what you have got because let's face if they where being horrible to you and excluding you from their family it would be a lot worse.

Be nicer.

When the first one of them dies, you can pay back all the favours

If I've read this correctly you have 3 children aged 5 and under , that alone is enough to entitle you to feel irritated about anything you want in my opinion . I'd encourage them to take all or some of the children out more with spring approaching and have a bit of a rest yourself , then when they get back just give them a cup of tea say thanks and send them home .

I think you are very lucky to have such loving & caring PILS.

I would also urge you to be nicer to them & think you will be in their position in years to come.

They sound really lovely, although you don't see it right now, you are really lucky

Ahhhh. Yes. I recognise these feelings.

I get them with my own mother! And she is the loveliest, kindest, nicest, most generous person in the world.

You ask for reasons why ... there are two possible dynamics that spring to my mind:

There is a fundamental difference between your family "cultures" - you say they are different from your own. As an example, when I grew up when we were sick we retreated to our own space to rest and recover, my parents showed concern by providing practical support and allowing me my space. I now find it immensely irritating if, when I'm ill, someone fusses over me. I just want my own space and to get on with it. I do try to be nice about it but there have been occasions when I have been grumpier than I should because they're being nice and I wish they'd just feck the feck off!

After 15 years you really are part of their family and you are in a parent-child relationship with them, you are having teenage grumps with them - see my Mum above. I love her, I wouldn't change her, she makes me laugh but sometimes I feel myself regressing to the arsey teenager I never really was when I was a teenager IYSWIM. I say this point a bit flippantly but could it be that you are in a parent-child relationship with them and what you'd like, now you have children, is an adult-adult relationship. I'm sure there is a book on this - if you're interested I will dig it out.

Why do you think you act like this?

There's an expression that I think goes, 'fake it until you believe it.'

I've used this technique with certain people I find irritating and I know I'm not being entirely fair as their actions come froma kind place, and I find it works. It takes a while and when they do something i find suffocating, I try to reflect afterwards as to what their motives were, could I have been less irritated and put it into action the next time.

Relationships all go through rough patches, but trying to work through it if they're not dysfunctional makes life much less stressful in the long run IMO.

How are you feeling about other areas in your life OP? Any other difficulties or just relationship with PILs?

Flora may well be right ... 3 under 5 ... that's hard and tiring. And it is ok just to say thanks and retreat.

It might also be worth thinking about hormones and their contribution I know I'm much better when I'm on some sort of hormonal birth control

I am relieved, I regretted posting as soon as I did so, as I expected a flaming. thank you for being understanding and kind! I have read the threads on here about awful PILs and I think I can't relate at all, so find it hard to genuinely be grateful as I've never known any different; I simply can't imagine it, which makes me very lucky I know.

AF - DH and I have talked about this as they're not in the best of health. I am almost certain one of them will live with us at some point, as they have no money, lots of debt and will definitely need practical help in old age. Of course we'll step up, I wouldn't dream of not taking in the remaining PIL if needed though I do torture myself with thoughts of which one it will be and which would be worse

They have the children this morning, I've popped out so will be kind when I get back. If you hear a grinding noise, its my teeth.

Does anyone have any experience of this and any tips on how I can be less irritable with them? They talk, talk, talk, interrupt constantly, fail to listen and are a bit like children. I feel like if I ever laugh or join in, it just makes them more excitable and wild! I have obviously changed since having the DCs (grown up and got more serious I guess, and life is harder) but that's not their fault, they are just like they've always been.

big x post, will just read others now

tea has it I think. That sounds exactly right, I feel sulky and teenage with them and yes, I was a child when we met and had very much a child/parent relationship with them. How interesting.

Other areas of my life are fine, tiring but good. I am not like this with other people. Well, my DM I guess, sometimes

I know I'll be in their position when I'm older as I only have boys though I'll be less annoying, I'm sure

They do sound rather irritating, if that makes you feel better

They are.

DH loves them dearly, but can barely stand them. Shop assistants, strangers at bus stops, friends of ours etc, love them and think they're great. Interesting isn't it.

In that case if they are happy to babysit then maximise on that and minimise on doing things with them. You get a break, time with DH, they get uninterrupted access to GCs.

I find my MiL irritating too; she's really nice, kind, helps out when we ask but she tries to be empathetic to the stupidly frantic life I live. I just want to shout at her all the time when she tilts her head to one side and says she understands. She does not understand in anyway. My life is completely different to hers.

I find it particularly irritating because she thinks the sun shines out of my DH's arse - I mean he's great and everything - but he gets all the credit for things that I do. Grrrrr.

I find it helps to pre-empt the time she wants to spend with us. That I need to have time out from the situation. And sometimes, just sometimes, I have to say to my DH ... "NO, I can't cope with it this week." I don't always call back when she calls me. I sometimes ask my DH to answer her questions.

I though, as I'm grumpy with my Mum and MiL, it is just me

I can identify with your feelings. I felt the same, I realised after she'd passed away, with my DM. I just couldn't be myself with her, always had to be cheerful and on top of things, there to sort out her problems and keep her busy and enjoying life. A big ask, too much I realise now.Won't go into how this evolved.

You need to change the dynamic, but am not sure how. Perhaps giving v specific instructions to them eg come round at x time, bring milk and bread, stay for a cup of tea, then I'll have to take DCs to Y. So you have more control over their visits. Try to stop the 'responsible for their happiness' feelings, that really weighs you down so that you don't really enjoy any time with them, when really they can't always (surely) be irritating you.

And, no you WON'T have to have one of them to live with you in their old age. Having that threat hanging over you, if you don't particularly enjoy the company of someone, would be like a dark shadow blighting your relationship.

OP, you have written almost word for word how I feel about my in laws! I know I'm lucky really and I feel so guilty when they wind me up with their overwhelming kindness!
It really is like a proper parent - daughter relationship though and I just feel like such a Kevin-type teenager sometimes!!
I guess it's just a case of noticing their irritating ways because you're close to them, whereas a stranger or not so close person wouldn't. They just see their good points.
Annoying though, isn't it?! :)

Boys, I understand completely what you are talking about. My in laws are like this too, at least they were until MIL got Alzheimer's (she passed away last year after 10 years of struggle). In general, my ini laws (all of them, not just PIL) talk too much, don't listen, ask questions but don't wait for the answer, and are just different to my family in lots of ways.

I have actually got better at coping with it over the years. I have stopped fighting it. I am prepared to be talked over, not listened too etc, so don't try so hard. Also, the biggest thing that helped me was when my DH started to acknowledge what they were like. He claims he never used to notice, and made me feel like I was very intolerant when it stressed me out. Now he admits he feels the same as me, which makes me feel better, in a way, although I know it upsets him that his family irritate him.

I think you're best bet is to give them scope to help you, but in a controlled way. Have one day a week when they are welcomed over to help or visit or whatever they need to do, and grit your teeth/surrender to their ways. If they phone, put the kids on the phone to talk to them. Send the kids out with them and take yourself off by yourself, and generally just ration your time with them. Also, illicit your DH's help in setting and enforcing the boundaries.

I can sympathise, I really can, and I can tell you feel bad, so just try to focus on the pluses of having helpful ILs, because unhelpful, nasty ILs would be a lot worse i think.

No real advice, but interesting - I feel a bit like this sometimes though with my ILs, and DH and I got together as teenagers to, I think there is something to what Tea says.