Anyone else done this?

[MurderOfGoths]

Separated from DH but remained living together for the DC?

My friend did - it was hell.

However if you are going down that route everything has to be separate - not just bedrooms. You have to show separate shopping, washing, cooking arrangements etc - and finances of course.

holly what do you mea by you have to show separate shopping etc? Show to whom?

mean

If you are going up the tax credits route.

My friend didnt earn any money in her own right , therefore to pay her 50% of everything she had to show it was all totally separate.

forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=404318

Also you will have to invoke maint payments etc between your bank acccounts.

It's probably more complicated than people think.

We did for over a year...worst time of my life, I definitely wouldn't recommend it.

Why do you want your DC to suffer? Living in the same house as people who can't stand each other doesn't make for a happy childhood. Even quite small children can work out when adults are faking it...

No I have not as I don't see the point of it & don't think it is of benefit to the kids. They will not grow up seeing a normal marriage in action.

I know of cases where the parents have split & the ex husband refuses to leave however.

Regardless of finances which will be complicated enough I would worry about the emotional state of parents who choose this route. It is neither single nor married, you can't have a relationship with anyone else or even have sex which means that if the ex is there on a particularly lonesome night things may happen which will blur the boundaries. Its OK to assume separate shopping but who would not pinch a bit of milk if they were out or a slice of bread, leading to arguments.

All in all I have my doubts whether this is a win win situation for anyone. The kids will grow up with a skewed idea of how relationships work & the adults will grow resentful & unhappy. Sorry OP I'm just being honest.

The whole idea sounds like a total nightmare to me which if embarked upon could cause problems for all concerned for years to come.

Its something that personally I couldnt contemplate under any circumstances.

There was quite an article about it in the DM a few weeks ago, estimates think there are something like 3.6 million households like this, due to finances and negative equity in property.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2278402/Crunch-forces-unhappy-couples-stay-separated.html

I think onetiredmummy has a good point. How can you have your independence in this living situation? What will you explain to your DC as they grow up? Once they start school they may get ridicule for the way that their parents live.

There are so many issues to consider. I wonder if those who have done it could elaborate on what went well and what didn't.

Yes I have (temporarily) and 2 words = IT'S HELL !
It's not good for DC, definitely not.

Thank you everyone, I agree with you. There are some practical reasons behind it, but on the whole you are right. It's a recipe for disaster!

I know couple who have now lived like this for 15 years and it seems to suit them, dcs are in their 20s but they still house share!!

I can't understand these reactions. I know several couples who live under these arrangements. No one knows except close friends. They are civil and friendly, share childcare , no one on the outside knows they live in separate rooms and don't ha sex.
What's the big deal ?
Just because you are separated does not mean you need to have an antagonistic toxic relationship.
The ones I know do however work and not claim benefits

Selba...out of interest, you say "no one on the outside knows they live in separate rooms and don't have sex", so by that do you mean that those on the outside believe they are happily married?

Not sure what the world at large thinks of them , Mrs beep. The ones I know about are friends of mine. So I know about the decision they have made to stay living under the same roof, though apart. It works well as a family .

I suppose we all can speculate about any couple as to whether they might be happy or not and the ones I have in mind look as happy as the next family.

same as my friends selba.

I still don't get it. You mean you as their close friends know they're situation but to the rest of the world they presume they are married and together? Living a lie almost. How old are they're children? Do they understand?

I'm not denying it can work for some, I'm sure it can, but I think in the majority of occasions there will be a strong enough reason/reasons why the couple can no longer remain together and those reasons will probably mean they also cannot live happily together. Also can't see how they can live independent lives living together, what about if they meet someone?

After reading this, I am going to start writing my new advice book- and it's called 'WHY BOTHER????'

If you can really get on that well together, co-operate with child rearing and as in the frankly bizarre scenario above- even pretend to the outside world you are married - then why not just stay married?
If not, then separate. This seems to have all the worst bits of marriage- the arguments, the constant negotiations, no sex, no chance to meet anyone else.

It must be a completely mutual arrangement for starters. Especially if it's to go on long term. Both parties must be happy with the split. If there is significant distress or sadness on either side then it can't be a stable happy situation surely?

I suffered DV during the 3 weeks of being in the same house as my XH after we had officially split up. In hindsight it was a mistake to have tried to stay at all - but i did it for reasons that seemed logical at the time.

The people I know didnt pretend to be married, everyone knew their situation.
Neither has met anyone they like enough over 20 years to change it. They are friends now they just house share.It works for them.When dcs were small either mum or dad were busy/at work/out. they had half holidays off so each took dcs away they all seemed happy.

Cjel...you've hit the nail on the head right there. They actually liked each other, didn't want to be married, but enjoyed each others company enough to live together and bring up the children.

I expect that is the exception to the rule.

Hi, I am currently going through this. Our situation is complicated. We have 3 children one is autistic and requires a lot of care during the day and at night. The simplest change can really set him back and living separately would just push DC over the edge. At the moment DC is in main stream education but a major set back would probably tip that over as we had a wobble last year and the school suggested perhaps a Special Needs school would need to be looked at in the future. ExH and I couldnt do that to DC so our needs come last.

We have been living separately for over a year now within the same house successfully. The previous year was hell. I discovered after 10 years of marriage that my H was gay!!! After lots of councilling we are now really good friends but it has been a really difficult time.

I suppose what I am saying is if the DC are really going to benefit from it then it can be done but if the adults cant get on then it is unfair to put the DC through that.

I di it for 3months, it wasn't too bad, but I only held it together because I knew he was moving out.

I think if you have a house big enough to not have to see each other, it could work, but otherwise it will be hell I think.