Would you be angry about this?

[fatfingers]

Sorry this is long, I've never posted on rships before and I'm so angry and sad. I feel this an incident the other day was the final straw and a perfect illustration of dh's sense of entitlement and self importance but dh thinks I'm totally overreacting. I'm just trying to get a sense of perspective really.

DH had a day off work and locked himself out of the house in the morning. He had planned to be out of the house all morning anyway ending in a trip to the gym (he had his kit with him) but he wanted me to drive home from work to give him my keys (1 hour round trip). I said I could leave work at 1.30pm but he said that wasn't early enough - he didn't want to spend 3 hours in the gym. He then said that if I couldn't come home to give him the keys he would "just kick the back door in" (the back door cost us several hundred pounds). Anyway, it resulted in me driving home to give him the keys and a massive argument with him saying he hadn't "threatened" to damage our home if he didn't get what he wanted, he would have just had to replace the lock, it was no big deal.

I say this was the final straw because I have gradually come to realise that dh believes that his views are more important that anyone else in our household. He never changed a nappy or got up in the night with our dcs, he refused to ever clear the dog shit up until a couple of years ago when I just refused to do it and he had to do it for the dcs to play. He says he does "everything" in the house even though he is at home without dcs for at least 2-3 days a week and on those days he only some basic housework (living room and kitchen only - never upstairs or bathroom) and he cooks dinner.

Tbh I have always felt my marriage has been a constant power struggle and I'm sick of it. He doesn't see a problem and refuses to move out. I don't know how to change things.

Not that it's the main point of your post, but couldn't he drive to where you were to get the keys? It was his own bloody fault, after all.

Why didn't you leave him to go through with his threat to kick the door in? By rewarding his poor behaviour with the outcome he wanted, you're doing exactly what you wouldn't do if this were the dc. But he's behaving in an equally childish way.

If he thinks he does 'everything' at home, why don't you stop doing what you're doing?

You've obviously talked about him moving out, so the unhappiness between you is apparent to you both. I would get yourself some legal advice - soon - so that you know what your options are if you decide to end the marriage. And for what it's worth, I wouldn't want to live with this self-entitled prick. Mind you, I locked my DH inside the house one day last year! He didn't threaten to break a window to get out, but I did have to make arrangements to leave the office to pick up ds from school. (It was bad enough having to say 'I have to go now, I have locked my husband in the house', I have no idea what you said about having to go and let him back in).

Yes I would be furious with him. Why couldn't he come to get the key from you?

Yes I would be angry. But I wouldn't have driven home for him. Especially after his threats. He sounds like an arse.

i think this particular issue is a side issue if you already know you want him to move out and he is refusing to.

you need legal advise and to start divorce proceedings if this is really what you want.

not much point fighting over the individual 'bits' if you already know you want out of the relationship.

trib - couldn't your H get out of a window? (Genuinely flummoxed) Or is your house actually a top floor flat or something?

OP, yes I'd be livid. Stupid idiot. Why did he so desperately need to get back in anyway? ffs. Get some good legal advice before making your move.

Out of interest, do you have a joint current account? joint savings account? Secure your finances before standing up to a threatening manipulative bugger like this.

I agree I have enabled his behaviour over the years. I should have told him to drive and pick them up off me but that would have cost money as well (I get free petrol and he pays for his). He tried to blame me for him leaving his keys in the house (I had hung them on the key hook by the door) which was his original train of thought in why I should come and let him in.

I just can't understand the thinking that "well I'll smash the door in then". I have been locked out in the past with dc in a pushchair and I've had to wait over an hour outside for dh to finish work and get home to let me in. I didn't demand he came home right that minute to let me in! I've also had words with him about his "put the kettle on" comments - if he wants a cup of tea why doesn't he get up and make one instead of telling me to do it (I refuse to do that too now btw).

Maybe that is the way to go - I stop doing all the washing/ironing/additional cleaning, etc, etc but that is what I don't want tbh. I know that would make him do more but that is what my parents have resorted to now in later life and I really don't relish a future like theirs!

I manage all the finances. Bank account is in my name, as unfortunately are all debts and bills. Joint mortgage.

This is just a guess, as obviously I don't know your husband, but in my experience behaviour like this is learned. What was the family dynamic like in the home where your husband grew up?

I have an aunt who is a narcissist and she behaves in a similar fashion. She believes we should all stop what we're doing and serve her, she greatly exaggerates her participation in the family and her good deeds (if they ever even existed) are magnified, oh, a gazillion times. She'll outright lie to make herself look good and someone else look bad.

This kind of selfishness is very hard to live with, which is why she is alone with only a handful of people to care for her in her old age. Most of the rest of us have backed away.

In a family, everyone needs to pull together, and it's hard when one person doesn't pull their weight or makes unreasonable demands. He may never change, but I agree with the other posters, it might be time for you to stop enabling him.

your aunt sounds like my mother ellie. think male entitlement (often taught to them from birth) is different to pathological narcism though and a lot more people will put up with it due to also having been conditioned to expect it.

OP do you want a divorce?

I think for both of us, this is learned behaviour. His mother is a martyr really. She does absolutely everything around the house although she moans about it terribly. She even pays bills, etc for her grown up sons who no longer live at home! His parents had very traditional roles although his mum also worked out of home too.

For my own parents, dad did none of the work involved in child raising i.e. he never changed a nappy or got up in the night either and he liked a drink and could be aggressive. My mum put up with it but now they are both in their 60s she holds deep resentment for him and refuses to cook for him, go anywhere he wants to go, etc.

I agree swallowed. He is not a narc (I had a great aunt like that ellie) but he has learned male entitlement. I don't know what I want tbh. I want to be treated with respect and as an equal partner without having to fight for it and argue about it. Maybe if I do stop enabling him, that will make me feel better.

Believe me, this is the best he has ever been because I have stood up to for myself and refused to do things. He now shares childcare, does some housework, shares his money and does make some effort to be a partner to me. Over the years, particularly when the children were babies, he has behaved absolutely appallingly and I hold anger at him for that, which I'm not sure I can ever get over.

I had a mc 18 months ago and he went out with his mate to the pub on the night I got home from hospital. I didn't say "I don't want you to go, I need support". Perhaps I should have, I think part of it is that I want him to treat me kindly without having to be asked.

not something you should have to ask for is it?

i honestly find it shocking that men like this don't extend the same basic compassion and decency to their life partner that i would extend to an acquaintance.

I'm not going to say LTB because I don't think he's a B and I don't think the details matter.

I think your relationship is dead you don't love, respect or care for each other and it's time to part.

UA - my DH is in a wheelchair. He could have got out through the back door if there had been an emergency (such as a fire) but he couldn't get from there round to the front to get into his outdoor wheelchair.

fatfingers, surely your free petrol doesn't cover trips back to your house to let your husband in? But even so - if it made more sense for you to do the journey than him, he could damn well have waited until it was convenient. Just as you did when the same thing happened. What was the difference? The threat of destructive behaviour?

You've not been able to address his previous behaviour honestly (who the FUCK goes to the pub the night his wife returns from the hospital after a mc?) and it seems very unlikely that he has ever accepted his previous behaviour was wrong, just that the battlelines are now drawn in a different place. So this will never change - he will always be trying to push you back to the place where he held more power.

You've both had very unequal relationships modelled for you. The alcoholic-and-the-codependent-martyr is a classic, unfortunately.

I think you would be well to put your energies into recovering from this relationship and rebuilding your self-esteem so you avoid another one like it.

He left the house without checking he had his keys, then tried to blame you, then manipulated you into taking time out to fix it, when he could've just killed some time doing something else. I'd be angry.

And him not staying in to take care of you after your mc. No, you shouldn't have needed to ask, because he should've wanted to stay home to be with you.

Do you love him OP?

Sorry trib - i should have remembered that.

OP, do you still love him? Could you try relationship counselling? and how old are the dcs now?

Honestly I don't know if I love him. I feel loyalty to him because we have a life we've built together and dcs together. I have thought about this a lot lately and I can honestly say that if I was asked whether I'd marry him again, I'd definitely say no.

Dcs are primary school age and they adore their dad.

Trib - your battle line analogy is a good one - that is what I feel like. Its a battle and I am trying to retain ground all the time. If I give him an inch he takes a mile. So if I thought I'll be nice, I'll make breakfast in bed for example, that would never be reciprocated but he would start suggesting I make breakfast in bed next weekend. So I don't do nice things like that because my life will be worse as a result. That is not a very nice way to think all the time.

Too many nices in that last para

So I don't do nice things like that because my life will be worse as a result.

So this is the exact opposite of a what a relationship should be.

too many 'a' in mine to go with your too many nices, fatfingers

He sounds like my brother fatfingers. You have my sympathy.

Do you think if you continue, the bitterness will increase, or stay the same regardless? Splitting now might be easier than in another few years when more anger and resentment builds.

tribpot has summed it up. This is the exact opposite of what a love relationship should be.

I want to be treated with respect and as an equal partner without having to fight for it and argue about it. Of course. This should be true in any adult relationship.

I had a mc 18 months ago and he went out with his mate to the pub on the night I got home from hospital. I didn't say "I don't want you to go, I need support". Perhaps I should have

...no, you shouldn't have to ask, otherwise what is the point of an intimate relationship? What is love if it isn't caring for a loved one who is fragile or unwell, without being explicitly asked?

You perhaps have become used to expecting lower standards of behaviour from him than you would expect from yourself. If so, this is very sad.

Going back to the original question, yes, I would be absolutely hopping mad with 'drive a 1 hour trip to let me in or I will kick in the back door.' If an adolescent said it to me I might, might, recognise the immaturity behind it, and we would be having serious words. If a husband said it I would be calling my solicitor in the morning.

Shattered - I think if we continue I will end up like my dm - bitter and resentful, locked in a power struggle with my df. I don't want that future for myself.

Wordy - he has never been very good when I'm ill either (surprise surprise!) I had a virus once that left me in bed for 2 days and on the 2nd day he shouted at me that I "should be over this by now" before subsequently coming down with the same thing and spending the next week in bed.

Saying that, I am probably being a bit unfair in that he was nice to me when I had pnd. I have always felt though that it takes a total breakdown for him to step up to the mark.