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Original poster

To want the address of where ds (4) is staying

20 replies

Alwaysasking · 16/02/2013 23:46

Ex has ds once a month for a weekend. As it's half term he is having him for 4 days this time. Ex moved 4 hours away and has just told me he and ds have been and will continue to be staying at ex's DP's house. I asked for the address and ex refuses to tell me?! He says I don't need to know. Ex has a tendancy of being unreliable - his phone dies often and he doesn't charge it, yet will not give me an alternative contact number.

I see this as quite controlling, and I would feel happier knowing the address of where my ds is staying, ex texted this morning to tell me ds had been sick 4 times . AIBU to want an address? I have a history of anxiety so am wondering if I am worrying needlessly.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 16/02/2013 23:49

I don't see you're worrying needlessly at all. If your small ds is unwell it's probable he's been asking for you. Were you able to speak to him on the phone?

UnlikelyAmazonian · 17/02/2013 00:34

What other info did he give in the call? Did he explain why ds has been sick, and what he is doing to help him/why he thinks he has been sick?
If he gave no such info and he has form for trying to worry you/form for not really taking good enough care of your son, then i would stop visits for now and seek legal guidance.

is your son unwell at the moment and therefore likely to be sick?

Is there a contact order in place for access?

LittleChimneyDroppings · 17/02/2013 00:41

I agree with you op. Whilst I dont think its a necessity that someone needs to know the adress, I do think its important that you are able to make contact on the phone. If your ex is incapable of making sure his phone is charged, and he's not giving an alternative number either, then you should have the address. He sounds like a selfish controlling twat.

LittleChimneyDroppings · 17/02/2013 00:41

*Address

izzyizin · 17/02/2013 00:46

When is your ds due to return home? After he's back with you, I would suggest you tell your ex there'll be no more overnight stays until you not only have an address for where he'll be staying, but have also confirmed it.

delilahlilah · 17/02/2013 00:51

I agree with Izzy. What would he say if you moved house and refused him the address?

postmanpatscat · 17/02/2013 09:22

You're not entitled to the address if your DS is with his father. We went through this in court with DP and his ex. She insisted on knowing and the court refused to include that in the contact order. However, DP does tell her if their DD is staying anywhere except our home and ex phones their DD often when she is with us. DD is 4.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2013 09:38

You may not be legally entitled to know but surely it's only human to let a mother know where her DS is spending the week and to let him be in contact? I wouldn't let my child - especially not one so small - go with someone like that. I think he's deliberately withholding information and trying to upset you. Just wrong.

monkeyfacegrace · 17/02/2013 09:46

At the chance of sounding harsh, aren't you all jumping to conclusions?

OP may be a crazy, stalking bunny boiler who previously has form for wierdness towards ex's DP. Hence reluctance to provide address.

Not accusing you of that at all, OP, but everyone is so quick to yell the controlling twat line.

I have been in this position. Yep its shit, and yep it feels unfair. But he is with his dad (who may be father of the year for all we know), so please try and relax.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/02/2013 09:50

Even if the OP is a 'crazy, stalking bunny boiler'... ... we're talking about a 4yo kid and, if he's anything like my DS at that age, he'll need to talk to Mummy on the phone, even if he's having a great time with Dad (or Granny or Auntie or anyone else for that matter). Hearing your child is sick when they're not with you is really stressful. To not know where they are or be able to talk to them (if I read that right) is horrible.

monkeyfacegrace · 17/02/2013 10:03

Yes aware we are talking about a 4yr old. I have been through this since my DD was 9 months.

The point of this post was about address witholding, not illness. He has texted her, how do you know they havent had a conversation since?

I said its shit and unfair, but its the way it is. It does not make him controlling, cruel, or anything else.

Original poster

Alwaysasking · 17/02/2013 11:07

Thanks for your replies, ds is there until Tuesday. Had a phone call today to tell me he's been sick all night . Ex has since given him McDonalds pancakes but said he will take him to the doctor tomorrow - ds back on Tuesday and was fine when he left on Friday.

Basically if I try to ring ex, he won't answer. He calls at his convenience and doesn't give a shit if I spend all night worrying about ds being ill.

I'm no bunny boiler btw but understand what you're saying - I have only ever called exs' dps' home number once, in 4 years, when ex didn't let me know he had arrived safely with ds. It was at about 11pm and ex's dp's family member answered and was incredibly rude because I rang at an 'anti social hour' (despite being worried about ds). She refused to give any info on whether ds was there or not, but ex then made contact using his mobile to tell me he was there and never to ring the house number again, which I haven't. In 4 years I have met his dp once, and had no contact directly with her whatsoever otherwise.

Other answers - we don't have a contact order as such, well it never got to court but we have agreements in solicitor letters - when ds was staying at ex's home (not his do's) and I knew where that was, had contact details etc. I just feel really uneasy not having an address but may be over thinking it.

OP posts:

undercoverhousewife · 17/02/2013 11:14

Buy an ipad for your DS, to have educational games on and watch CBBC etc. Ensure the function "Find my Ipad" is turned on. You can then GPS locate him anytime you like ;-) from the comfort of your own laptop/home.

Actually, I can't see why you need the address but nor can I see why exDP has chosen to withhold it. On the whole I think he is being more unreasonable than you. You are just a worried mother. He, OTOH, is treating you cruelly.

If he does give you the address and you abuse it (eg turn up there in the night -sure you wouldn't dream of it) then they can seek a restraining order of some kind. Until then, exDP seems like he is playing nasty games so hence the Ipad suggestion.

youfhearted · 17/02/2013 11:19

but what would you do with the address op.
with your history of anxiety?
how will it help.
he is with his dad.

ratbagcatbag · 17/02/2013 11:21

I agree with others that its just a matter of curtesy, my Dh ex knows where we are and were fab anyway, but if we stay at friends etc then we've always just let her know, it's just decent to do so. We're not seeking permission just saying we're at x and ys tonight and all staying over. We do that even though DSS is now 14 she to be fair does the same, just a text etc so we know too. Makes everyone feel happier.

Original poster

Alwaysasking · 17/02/2013 11:28

Ipad - brilliant!
Thinking about it I don't know what I'd do with address, when he told me he'd be staying there from now on my automatic response was asking for the address/ who else was in the house (his dp lives with her extended family). Then when he refused to give me it, it became a focus and got me thinking 'but why not' - even if I was a crazed bunny boiler, it wouldn't be practical for me to drive 4 hours away to turn up at said location acting crazy.

I guess something relatively small has spiraled because he was so against giving it to me, as I said it was just an automatic response to ask for address, I hadn't really thought about it and wouldn't have thought he'd be so weird about it. Ds is ill, 4 y/o and on the other side of the country staying with people I don't know. On the whole, ex and I get along ok and he understands I get anxious, just would have thought he'd let me know.

OP posts:

Hissy · 17/02/2013 13:04

The child is with his dad.

I'd not want my boyf giving his exw my address either. None of her business. Likewise, I'd tell my DS dad to piss off if he asked where we'd be staying when we're with my boyf and his DS.

I don't think your ex ought to have told you about the throwing up either, nothing you can do about it, is there? He does precious little with his child by the sounds of it, it's his turn to mop up and do some actual childcare.

As the visits are so infrequent, try not to get too upset about the ins and outs. Chances are his DP isn't a monster and will help make your DC comfortable.

If your child is anything like mine, if he was really ill, he'd not eat the pancakes.

I don"t have to share custody, and while I never get a minute all to myself, I'd definitely find it hard to have DS away from me, but that doesn't mean I'd have a right to an address of a third party.

Downunderdolly · 17/02/2013 13:22

Always. I don't personally think you are being unreasonable (unless as you say you don't have a history of 'unwanted' contact). I have been there and done that and it is so hard with such a little one (my son was 2.5) not to have peace of mind as to knowing where they are in case of emergency.

In our case (DS was staying there every other w/end 5 hours away - but now OW/partner moved in with ex-DH so do know address as legally obliged) sort of resolved by ex-DH leaving address with his sister (a friend of mine) for emergency disclosure only (we didn't need but made me feel a little more secure).

IMHO a controlling thing. Certainly when and if I have a new DP who has children, I would not mind at all if their mother had my address. I think it is a respect and courtesy issue if all are sane parties who act responsibly.

Sympathies and good luck

WakeyCakey · 17/02/2013 15:13

Jesus when DP and I bought a house this year I invited his Ex over for coffee to see where her DD would be staying 3 nights a week.
She lives in the same village and can see the house from her bedroom window! And I still gave her the address!!

I don't like the sound of his DP or her extended family! And I am a step mum!!

FlouncingMintyy · 17/02/2013 15:25

Alwaysasking - please don't worry about your ds too much, he probably just has a simple tummy bug. I shouldn't think there's any need for your ex to take him to the doctors tomorrow either, unless he seems very unwell. If he managed to eat McDonald's pancakes then he's probably going to be ok!

Agree that it is really questionable that these new partners will not let the exes know their address. I would hate to not know where my children are, especially at 4! It just seems unnecessarily unpleasant and cruel.

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