Hello Everybody
Could you please give me your advice / opinions about what I should do?...
Think I have mentioned before that my son is 3.9 yrs old. He does not know his father.
Just before I met DS' father, I'd had several tragic events happen and I was also working a long way away from home. (Had just relocated alone). (Not justifying myself here - just explaining why I wasn't thinking too clearly at the time.)
When I met DS father, his wife was divorcing him. They have a DD who is a couple of years older than DS. I shouldn't have gone anywhere near him but he offered me a lot of kindness and support and at the time I was lonely and didn't have a lot of opportunity to go out and make friends other than him.
I wish I had got to have known DS'father better before all this happened, I fell pg very quickly and initially DSF was supportive but at 13 weeks he got cold feet, decided to leave us and asked me to terminate the pregnancy. By this time I wanted DS so much I decided I would go it alone.
Since DS was born, DSF has always been proud to tell the world that he has a son, although he refuses to meet him. When DS was 6 weeks old, (I had gone 'home' to give birth and for a bit of support), I travelled by train (well over 300 miles) in order for DSF to meet DS. Anybody knows how horrible it is to travel with a 6 week old baby and the bl**dy train broke down twice, resulting in a 14 hr journey!!!. Since then things haven't got much better. He saw DS when he was 8 months and then nothing since. He asked us to relocate to be nearer to him, so he could see him. We did, (and I lost a good job and home in the process) and when we got here, again he said he had 'Changed his mind'.
For the last couple of years we have only communicated by e-mail (even though we are less than 30 miles away). His excuse is that he doesn't want to be coming in and out of DS' life and he can't commit to seeing him regularly, so he won't see him at all.
I only have a very small family and DS only has 1 grandparent. I think there is a lot to be said for the love that grandparents can offer their grandchildren. There is no issue with money or childcare here, that's all arranged down to a fine art (most of the time!!)- it is purely wanting them to see how lovely DS is and them enjoying some time with him, if they would like to.
My dilemma is this. I have never spoken to DSF's parents, but I know through friends that they are lovely people and that they treat DSF's DD like a princess and love being with her.
I wrote to them when DS was first born to tell them the news, as I didn't trust DSF to do it. Needless to say I didn't hear back from them and I think (although I don't know) that DSF has been a bit economical with the truth as far as telling them about me. (We have never met, so they only have his word to go on!).
DSF and I get on o.k via e-mail (he refuses contact any other way). He pays child maintenance, but only after the C.S.A sent the enforcement agency into his workplace.
I recently suggested to DSF that I send DSF's parents some photos of DS. Apparently DSF's mother often asks about DS and how he's doing. DSF was furious that I had even suggested the idea. He screamed (if you can scream on e-mail!!) that if I made any contact with them, I would cause a lot of upset within the family and he hasn't contacted me since.
Obviously I don't want to cause any upset to his parents - they haven't done anything wrong and they are both elderly, so I am worried about frightening them or something, but I want to put my DS 1st and feel he has a right to meet them or at least give them a chance to say 'go away' to my face.
My question is - should I try to make contact with them? I was thinking of sending a photo to his Mum. My Mum says she couldn't bear knowing that she had a grandchild that she could never see. I often wonder if DSF's Mum feels the same. BUT. They know my address - I have written to them before, so they could have contacted me if they had wanted to?? and no doubt DSF would cancel his maintenance money if he found out, which I really couldn't afford.
DSF has done nothing for DS and is very controlling of his parents. DSF is an only child. I don't want to cause them any trouble but they are getting very old now and I need to decide what would be best before its too late.
My loyalty is now exclusively for what is best for DS, but I don't know what this is!!!!!!!!!
A part of me thinks that because I agreed to 'go it alone' when DSF walked out, I should stick by my promise and not contact them at all, but it's so hard when DS is already asking questions about his Dad and one day I'll have to explain why he doesn't know that side of his family or his roots, even though I think his grandparents may want to know about him.
It all seems such a waste and I don't want to let my beautiful DS down.
Just to say that I regularly e-mail photos of DS to DSF (at DSF's request), but he will not pass these on. I have always tried to keep him happy and comply with his wishes.
Am I just an interfering old wotsit??!
I'm so confused. Thank you.