we are supposed to be 'trying' to get a better relationship after a LOT of mistake on both parts and some physical aggression on his part and YEARS of what I would describe as emotional and LOTS of verbal abuse on his part. Long story...
But I am strugglin an awful lot with this.
I don't trust him - ie that he has MY best interests at heart, at all. I am fairly certain that despite telling me 'he loves me soo much' and telling anyone who will listen how devestated he is we don't have a better relationship, I just cannot bring myself to believe him because his actions are just so far away from what I understand to be a 'loving relationship'. When he thought he would 'look good' he went to see a solicitor. I NEVER did this, no matter how bad things were - I never even told most people in RL what had happened.
I feel utterly unsupported by him most of the time (He says 'yes' to anything I suggest, but whatever it is I have to do ALL the leg work/organising/actual work, even for his social life to a point. I feel taken for granted and taken advantage of and I really resent all the times I put myself out so he can do what he wants to do.ie. going away for a lads weekend this weekend. I don't feel he's capeable of looking after the kids for more than a 6 hour stretch and then it's usually getting a bit tense so I haven't been away from the kids for 2 years. (he goes about every 2 months)
I AM SO ANGRY THAT HE ACTS SO USELESS AND IS SO SELFISH.
I have also had to refix a windscreen wiper on the car, which as far as he knew would need a trip to the garage to get sorted (but I did it). It HAD to get sorted as I am picking him up tomorrow at his family's place and as far as he knew/cared I would have to lug 2 small kids to the garage, get it fixed and sorted. My Dad would NEVER have left my mum like that. If he had been going away and the car broke, he would have made sure it was fixed BEFORE HE WENT incase she (or his children) needed it. This to me is caring - making sure the people around you are ok, putting them first (sometimes). He just doesn't think like that - can't even get his own plates in the dishwasher (or the kitchen often) or his clothes off the floor into the laundry basket. It's ALL (other than bringing home the bacon) MY job and he's desperate for me to bring in the cash again - apparently it would solve all our (his) financial problems if I would pay for his excessive spending habits by doing absolutely everything, not just everything except earning...
I am thinking more and more, what exactly does HE do to make my life more comfortable/easier/fun/pleasant???? Sometimes he doesn't even say 'hello' or 'morning' to me, or 'goodbye' when he leaves the house. I think it's game over. A lot of the time it's easier when he's not here. I think we are both just going through the motions, but don't have the vocabulary to bring it to a close.
How do you either move on from the anger I feel towards him, so the relationship can progress (which I am sceptical about) or get divorced in a civilised manner????????????????????????????????
AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!