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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i ended it after your advice but he's used it against me and i'm scared i could lose my baby

42 replies

gruffalosmother · 16/02/2013 08:09

In January i posted under thread name 'rebuilding relationship with abusive ex' . (sorry not sure how to link im on phone). You were all so wonderful with your support and advice and i saw what a mistake it had been to allow my ex into my home and to become close to him again. I'm a bit worried about posting this as we are in court , so uf you think i shouldnt be putting this info on here please tell me! Anyway, i told him that i am sorry we can never be a family , it was a mistake etc. He was arsey with me but basically dropped me as just quick as he had suddenly announced his love for me...
Me and dc live in a safe house that we rent from housing association after leaving refuge. So for this reason it was a pretty big error to let him come here.
There is no social services involvement atm but they are aware of issues in past. When the stupid decision was made to let him come round he promised getting would never tell anyone as he knew it could have implications with us losing house, social services.
We are in court second hearing soon and i got paper work through and he has bloody told them .
I couldn't stop shaking/crying when i read it. Im so scared they will take my precious baby into care. That it will make me look like all allegations i have made are made up and im a shit mum.
What can i do? It was such a mistake but i just cannot lose my baby.

OP posts:
something2say · 16/02/2013 08:39

I would advise you to tell them the truth, what, why, when and what happened.

Let them then safety plan for you.

This is normal and they will be used to it. What they want to see is your handling of the risks - hence do be honest - and then how you keep yourself and baby self.

No self blame. This is a normal and understandable stage x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/02/2013 08:46

I'd also advise you to be honest.... about being coerced against your better judgement and because you were frightened, (please make it as strong as that) into him a visiting you in a safe house, his abusive nature and all the rest. You need them to understand the bigger picture. Courts are not stupid. They know how abusers operate, how manipulative they are, and they know how frightened and pressurised former partners can be. It is very rare that children are separated from their mothers. You are not a 'shit mum'... you made the break.

Do you have any real life support for the court case? Friend, relative, social worker or legal representation?

FarBetterNow · 16/02/2013 08:46

Hugs and best wishes to you.
The wise women will no doubt be here soon to give you the excellent advise that you need.

Original poster
gruffalosmother · 16/02/2013 08:55

Thanks all. You are right i will be honest. Only prob is i don't.know how much i was coerced into doing it as i was the one to.suggest he come round for tea (doh!). I do feel.manipulated tho because he swore he wouldn't tell anyone and i bet if things were still going on between us he wouldn't tell them..(or maybe he would, i didn't think.he d tell.anyone this). I have legal aid and a solicitor . He has admitted to some things but then made up or lied about others and i think Its really clever of him because he's owned up to some could make him look more honest and make me look like a liar.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/02/2013 09:02

In this situation, you have to push a few buttons rather than trying to be even-handed. Even if you don't know how much of it was coercion or manipulation and how much of it was voluntary behaviour.... err fully on the side of it being against your will. This is your word against his - an aggressive abusive man - and you have to 'sell it' to the court like you 100% believe it. Cry if you have to. That's how he's approaching this and you have to play him at his own game

Original poster
gruffalosmother · 16/02/2013 09:08

Do you think.the court will tell social services / housing association? Thanks for replying cogito, i think if i cry which is quite likely tbh i wouldn't be turning on the tears at all. This has really set.me.back. Perhaps would be better to try and remain calm and composed though.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/02/2013 09:11

I have no idea who will tell whom what. Might even be in your best interests to tell SS and the HA voluntarily as a pre-emptive measure. Again, phrase it that you were coerced and manipulated, apologise for the infringement and ask for understanding. Whether you are asked to move on or allowed to stay put it puts the control back in your hands, means you're taking responsibility for yourself, and gives him one less thing to blackmail you about

Original poster
gruffalosmother · 16/02/2013 09:22

I'd be quite worried about telling them tbh. The small amount of dealings i have had with ss so far didn't make.me think they would be understanding. I once rang them for advice on how it would be best yo do handovers for contact and my reply was 'what? Why are you meeting your abusr ?' to which i said so dd can still have relationship with him and they told me i shouldnt be meeting him and i was putting dd at risk and myself.no sort of empathy for my situation at all.and left me feeling like id had a big telling off for trying to sort contact out.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 16/02/2013 09:31

Gruffalo, if they feel he is too dangerous to have contact with your child, why don't you give it consideration?

If social services believe he is a danger to your child and say so in court he would not be awarded direct contact.

I really think you should think about it.

It's very unusually for authorities to agree with stopping contact, he must pose a physical threat to you & your child and have caused physical harm to you both in the recent past for them to take this stance.

Original poster
gruffalosmother · 16/02/2013 09:36

Thats the thing, he hasn't harmed our dd. They just started having a go at me without knowing anything about what had happened. They were really nasty and made me give my name and dds info too even though id just rung up for bit of advice.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/02/2013 09:39

Being told not to meet an abusive man because it puts you at risk is not 'having a go' it's sound advice. I still think you should go back to them and tell them what happened. Right now he has an extra hold over you because you're frightened of the information coming out. Have the courage to tell the truth - even if it means someone is annoyed with you - and he no longer has that hold

SconeInSixtySeconds · 16/02/2013 09:40

Hmm, perhaps it is that he hasn't harmed your dd yet , gruffalo.

fuzzywuzzy · 16/02/2013 09:44

You're in a safe house.

It must have been really bad for you to be in a safe house.

I'd think your child was also in danger from him.

He could get court awarded supervised access at a contact centre, which would be safest for both you & your child.

I can see social services point.

You've been put in a safe house due to the clear and present danger your ex poses to you and your child. You are then seeking him out and handing your vulnerable child to a man who has caused you serious physical harm such that the authorities have placed you in a safe house.

Can you really not see their reasoning?

Figgygal · 16/02/2013 09:45

Sorry this is going to sound harsh but he is an abuser serious enough not only for u to leave but for u to be in a refuge and then given an opportunity to resettle in a house through the refuse and u invite him round for tea??? give away your location??

I don't think lying about him coercing you into this Is going to help I'm not saying you have done wrong And I would think your dd being taken from u is very unlikely however your judgement re: him is obviously and understandably confused and if he is as bad as u believe him to be why try to maintain a relationship between him and dd.

Original poster
gruffalosmother · 16/02/2013 09:49

I see where you are coming from. But the manner in which they spoke to me was so uncalled for and offered no support on what i should do, just that i shouldnt be doing it! The trouble is, it'd look bad if i stopped all contact as i would look unreasonable and not putting dd first but on the other hand i get told she shouldnt be seeing him at all! I wish id never tried to get him to see her in first place. He may have disappeared by now. But because i have allowed contact my solicitor says the court will see it as im bot worried about.him and will only allow more access as time goes on.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 16/02/2013 09:51

Have you contacted the refuge you were in to tell them that you have let him know where you live now?

They might want to re-house you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/02/2013 09:52

"The trouble is, it'd look bad if i stopped all contact as i would look unreasonable and not putting dd first but on the other hand i get told she shouldnt be seeing him at all!"

Which is why you should have listened to SS's advice rather than making your own assumptions which were wrong. It is NOT unreasonable and it does NOT make you 'look bad' to keep yourself and a child away from a dangerous man. Can't you see that?

fuzzywuzzy · 16/02/2013 09:55

Refusing contact isn't seen as bad so long as you have authorities and facts to back you up.

The worst that can happen in the immediate future is court awards him supervised contact at a contact centre.

Allowing him contact and chasing him up and arranging it in your house shows you're not really worried about him posing a threat to you or your child.

Of course give your behaviour the courts will follow what you have begun and progress contact till he has a rightly equal amount of contact.

They will have taken their cue from you.

Original poster
gruffalosmother · 16/02/2013 09:58

Figgy - yes you are right my judgement is all.over the shop. As soon as get turns on charm again i forget what a bastard he is.
Fuzzy- i can totally see why they would be concerned but because each case is diff i thought they were unfair. It is bad that we were in refuge but the violence was never serious. More intimation and threats than physical stuff .

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 16/02/2013 10:01

I refused very violent ex contact with my children. Nobody held anything against me, I had doctors notes and police records to back me up, ss came round to ensure he was not there & called my solicitor to ensure I really was divorcing him and keeping my children safe.

I didn't hold it against ss, they were trying to ensure my children were safe.

Moving forward, tell women's aid and what you've done & stick closely to the truth in reality as well.

Why on earth do you think a violent ex would live and cover for you, when he could tell the truth & get a better (for him) outcome?

Have you considered doing a freedom programme course ask women's aid to point you to one in your area.

Original poster
gruffalosmother · 16/02/2013 10:02

Cogito - when things were really kicking off i went to a solicitor straight away and they sent out a letter asking ex about contact. The solicitor said it is better for child that they have relationship with both parents so i just followed the advice i was given.

OP posts:
Original poster
gruffalosmother · 16/02/2013 10:08

Nickel - since i left refuge i have had absolutely no contact with them or support from any sort of worker. This is the 5th place that my dd has lived in and she's not even 2. I don't think either of us would cope well with another move.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 16/02/2013 10:51

I'm just worried that he'll come for you :(

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/02/2013 11:24

" The solicitor said it is better for child that they have relationship with both parents so i just followed the advice i was given."

Did you tell the solicitor this man was aggressive/violent etc? Did the solicitor know you'd had to be placed in a safe house because of DV? If they knew all of this and still said it was better to maintain contact then you should get a different solicitor.

shadesofwhite · 16/02/2013 11:27

I'm sorry OP for what you are going through. I don't have any sound advice but I hope you will not lose your DD, I totally understand what you mean about your ex manipulating you in to seeing him again and allowing him to see your DD. It happened to me after SS separated us only that I was living with my toxic sister and "his manipulation and actions of sorry" made me go back to even more abuse. I knew I was taking a huge risk with DD but I couldn't handle living with my toxic S. The abuse did happen again I was worried sick about losing my DD. At that point I had to be honest about his manipulation and my desperation. Well 'yes!' SS totally understood and now we're in a refuge awaiting to be housed.

Just be honest, we are human beings and are bound to make mistakes now and then. Let this be your last mistake of letting an abusive man near you. I'm sure the SS and courts deal with similar situations often, and I doubt if they'd let your DD be under your abusive ex care. Be strong, wishing you all the best.