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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

why do i feel guilty about my mil's actions....

9 replies

mum2sam · 28/04/2006 19:56

About 3mths ago mil told dh that she was cutting ties with him and ds because she was fed with being hurtt i.e fed up with not getting her own way.

She felt she was treated differently to my parents especially when ds was concerned. This wasnt true but obviously when i was pregnant my mum was with me at the scan etc and the first person to come and see me and ds. Mil was very paranoid and jealous and thought my mum was at the birth and also at the hospital everyday etc but she wasnt. She was however at the hospital everyday when i had pre-eclampsia and was ill unlike my mil.And also came round when dh was at work to help with housework when i was discharged and to make sure i was resting etc.

Things came to head when we were buying a house which just happened to be near my mum. Mil said in her own words im cutting ties even if it means not seeing gs. Dh and i were both shocked that she had brought him into it.

Anyway we didnt hear anything until mothers day when fil sent a text telling dh that it was clever of him not to get a mothers day card. I know for a fact dh wanted to but at the same time he didnt want it to seem that he was giving in to her as she had gone too far this time.And to be honest we didnt know if she had meant what she said or whether it was just manipulation and emotional blackmail so we wouldnt buy the house.Obviously it was and it backfired for her.

We then heard from other sources that theyve told people weve fell out because we were buying a house in a really bad area. And also how much dh has changed since being with me. Mil had told this to dh ex gf who mil also hated and blamed for changing dh. Yet dh ex looked like she really felt sorry for mil and even said she looked liked she was gonna burst into tears. Mil even slags off his ex now.Dh just reminded her of what she was like when they were together and said she was even worse now.It just shows how two faced she is and how good she is at playing the victim.

Anyway on easter sunday fil came round with eggs for our ds mil waited in the car. Apparently shes got a hernia and something else so couldnt come to the door. Fil asked if he could take ds up to the car car for a few mins wtf are they playing at! obviuosly dh agreed. The fact that mil didnt come to door was bs as she has to walk down a flight of steps anyway. She was obviously still too proud and stubborn.Anyway that evening i begrudgingly told dh to ring mil and thank her for the eggs for ds. The conversation was short but polite and civil though we havent heard anything since and vice versa.

The thing is she obviously didnt mean what she said but is too proud to say sorry or to make proper contact. Yet at the same time shes insulted the area where i was brought up, tried to emotionally blackmail dh and i into not buying a house, playing the victim to other people and twisting the truth. And i wouldnt even be surprised if she was telling people that we were stopping her from seeing our ds. I was really upset for dh after her saying what she said but even more upset that she could cut our ds out of her life. And everything else just makes it worse.

The thing is i dont know what to do i really dispise her for everything now and dont want anything to do with her myself but feel guilty for dh and ds not seeing them. Like maybe i shoiuld be trying to make the piece between them or to arange contact between ds and them. But then im angry as shes caused this and if shes too proud nad would rather lose a gs and ds then thats her own doing.

Tbh sometimes i feel like leaving dh as if i wasnt there dh would be single and at her beck and call and i wouldnt have the guilt of coming between them. I just want to enjoy my son with my family who are happy and care for us both and not have to answer to anyone particularly mil about how i bring him up.

OP posts:
starlover · 28/04/2006 20:02

if i were in your shoes I would get your dh to have words with her.
he needs to tell her in no uncertain terms that the manipulation and blackmail need to STOP.
but also let her know that you would like her to see her grandchild... if she can behave!

ssd · 28/04/2006 20:19

feel for you in this. your MIL sounds as if she has used moody emotional manipulation all her life to get her own way. your dh is in an awkward place, and it doesn't make it easier for you both. sorry, I think you'll both have to stand shoulder to shoulder and let her know she can't bully you both into doing things her way. try to have a chat with your dh, poor guy probably had this crap all his life Sad

hope you resolve it together.

mum2sam · 28/04/2006 21:20

Yeah dh has had to put up with alot of it and i do feel sorry him.

I just dont know what to do its def alot easier and less stressful having no contact with them. Dh and I have both said we dont feel under any pressure and actually feel happier in some ways.Which is prob why we havent done anything in terms of sorting things out. We also know that no matter what happens we will prob or i will prob be held responsible for her not seeing her gs and dh it will be my fault somehow. She will be the victim and i will be the evil dil. When in fact shes her worst enemy.

She will never ever apologise or admit she was in the wrong and she will ever change.Fil no longer sees his family becus of her (dont know details) shes even cut herself off from her brothers and sisters. Shes just very jealous and bitter and getting worse with age. And I dont want someone like that in my life or ds life tbh.

Thats why i feel like leaving dh so he doesnt blame me for their falling out if ever anything happens to her.And so i dont have this guilt.Its then between them. I really dont want to have any thing to do with her.

All i ever wanted was for her to be happy for us and for her to accept me as a dil not resent me.

OP posts:
Kathlean · 28/04/2006 21:37

You are feeling guilty because you are a normal caring person and this is exactly what your MIL is relying on from the people she manipulates (-:

chipmonkey · 28/04/2006 21:50

mum2sam, are you happy with your dh? You're not serious about wanting to leave him now so he doesn't blame you in the future?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/04/2006 07:15

mum2sam,

Unfortunately (and that's an understatement) for both yourself and your DH this woman you write of is a toxic parent. She is using all the behaviours associated with such people and as such they are extremely difficult to deal with.

Such people are also very good at manipulation and playing the victim card.

You as DIL are not at fault; she would have behaved the same regardless with anyone. I see she has also managed to alienate the FIL from his family too and she has cut herself off from her own brothers and sisters (again all these are toxic behaviours). Please don't leave your DH for the sole reason of her and her toxicity.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as this may give you further insight.

mum2sam · 29/04/2006 10:47

Thanx meerkat that sounds interesting.She does have a way of twisting things and becuase shes so adament shes not wrong sometimes you question yourself and your actions as to whether you are in the wrong. Then i remind myself of her other relationships and realise it must be her.She even bitches about her own dh and says how much she wants to leave him yet he is completely unaware and kisses her ass.

It got to the point chipmonkey where things are good between dh and i now although i do feel this horrible guilt. But i have this dread that one day dh will start to make contact with mil and im scared of falling back to where we were with her. When i was pregnant with ds she couldnt stand the attention dh was giving me and basically made me feel miserable and 2nd best. I remember thinking that i wanted to run away with my baby as it was my baby and not hers. Even though you would of thought so. I just dont want to go back to rows, manipulation, snidey comments and controling ways.

OP posts:
Mirage · 29/04/2006 22:08

Your MIL sounds exactly the same as my gran was.She was a veteran at emotional blackmail & twisting the truth.She refused to come to my wedding reception because we wouldn't do things her way & then told everyone that she hadn't been invited to her own grandaughters wedding.Luckily most people who knew her understood what she was like.

It sounds as though your MIL has made a career of cutting herself off from her family.PLEASE don't let her make you feel guilty & DO NOT let her split you & your dh up.That is exactly what she wants,that sort of person can't bear to be 2nd best or see other people being happy.

I'm sorry if it sounds harsh,but I saw my mum go through years of hell from my manipulative gran.I vowed that neither she nor anyone else would do the same to me.

I hope that she keeps out of your life for good.

bramblina · 29/04/2006 22:26

My MIL is an ok person but has issues from her past which affect the whole family, in a similar but lighter way to yours. If things get as bad here as they are with you I personally would ignore it/her, carry on as much as poss but still take ds to see her. That way she cannot affect the person she wants to, and has no control over that, and th lo should be quite unaware. And there will be a clear concience for me, and lots of thinking time for her.
Good luck.

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