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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this sexual incompatibility or trust issues?

11 replies

RedRosy · 15/02/2013 16:49

Hi
I'm a single parent with 3 young DCs. Been with partner for 15 months.

We have sex mostly when the DCs are away every second weekend, rarely when they're here, and mostly in the morning. We have had this recurring argument, at night, where I'm keen on sex and we're cuddling, then he seems to fall asleep so I say, oh, so you're tired and then he says he wasn't sleeping, and that I'm forcing him to have sex.

I worry that he's just not that into me. He says he loves me, more than any woman he's been with, says he does fancy me, but gets tired when the kids are home. He stays over a lot, and it's always me that deals with the DCs, at night and the morning. Anyway. Over the time we've been together, I had suspicions about his fidelity after stumbling upon a profile remarkably like his on the dating site we met on. My friend was on this site, and I was hang on a minute! Anyway I confronted him at the time, he denied it was him but said he'd been helping his friend create a profile. I wasn't sure I believed him, and in the end a friend made contact with him, and he gave his email. This was 3 months later and I confronted him. He claimed it was his friend who stitched him up.

Despite this, we remained together. Since I have snooped intermittently, and found he was in platonic contact with an ex, and he'd met her and again he'd denied this, until I admitted the extent of my snooping.

There has been a dodgy text I intercepted earlier on too.

I'm not a nutter, and am trusting normally. His lack of interest in sex again makes me suspicious.

I just feel this cycle of mistrust is exhausting, and at this stage in a relationship it should be easy and fun!

I left my ex, he had a drink problem, I know I have self esteem issues but am usually rational, and easy going.

Please help me work through this.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 15/02/2013 17:01

Clearly you don't trust him an inch. That alone would mean the relationship isn't really worth pursuing but if you're not seeing eye to eye on sex then it seems to me that there's not much point in continuing.

AnyFucker · 15/02/2013 17:03

Yes it should be easy and fun

But it isn't

So get rid

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/02/2013 17:05

Sounds like a big waste of your time.

mcmooncup · 15/02/2013 17:07

Sounds like hard work and emotionally draining. Dump.

izzyizin · 15/02/2013 17:07

Your self-esteem issues are clouding your judgement and causing you to settle for second rate man again.

Dump this waste of space and learn to love yourself before you embark on any more relationships with the opposite sex.

AnAirOfHope · 15/02/2013 17:11

Thats not a healthy relationship.

my advice is

  1. dump bf and ask him to leave as you dont trust him and its just not working out.

  2. be happy being you and your children and have counciling to improve your selfesteem.

  3. dont introduce new men to your children for untill you knpw it will be long term.

RedRosy · 15/02/2013 17:15

Hi thanks, I agree! When he denies any wrong doing, he makes me feel paranoid, and insecure. I just wish if it was true he'd be honest with me. He said its nonsense. Surely being with someone who loved you, you wouldn't feel ashamed or apprehensive about initiating sex? How can I explain this to him?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/02/2013 17:20

Don't bother trying to make him understand, he probably never will

You don't owe him anything at all

Look to yourself

He doesn't make you feel good....he has to go

OneMoreGo · 15/02/2013 17:26

It should be easy and fun, agree.

You don't need to work through this, you need to leave him.

RedRosy · 15/02/2013 17:27

He was the first man I went out with since my separation. He really pursued me, and then when it looked like he'd won me over, things changed. It's what I've read here over and over again! I know I don't trust him.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 15/02/2013 17:31

If this relationship was right for you, you wouldn't feel paranoid or insecure or ashamed/apprehensive about initiating sex.

You're wasting your valuable time on a knob. Dump him and set to work on your self-esteem issues - and don't inflict another loser on your dc because, although you may not currently believe you're worthy, they truly deserve the very best that life has to offer.

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